Nobody Kept It Real Like Mr. Rogers

As we head into the weekend, there's some reminiscing going on over at The Goosepath and in that spirit, here's a look back at a classic Mr. Rogers clip that forced us to grow up a just a little bit quicker:

The Moose Is Loose

Sure, it's cold outside and it's been a long week, but things could always be worse. At least you didn't get hit by a falling stuffed moose head, like this young woman:

"Amy Walters said the moose head fell on her, striking her temple, while she was taking a biology test at Penn State Fayette in February 2005. Walters said she was able to finish the test but went to the emergency room when she continued to suffer from nausea and a severe headache."
-thepittsburghchannel.com

The story goes on to say that, two years later, Ms. Walters is suing Penn State, since she needs money and can't find a job after graduating she's been suffering ever since the accident.

Not to mention the fact that she can't even be in the room when Rocky and Bullwinkle are on*.

*Because of my mocking tone, I assume that I'll be injured in some sort of a freak accident at any moment now. I'll keep you posted.

The State Of The Blog

Friends, strangers, the bored, the lonely, people who were looking for porn and accidentally arrived at this site: today the state of this blog is mediocre and I believe that, in 2007, together we will make it mediocrer-er.

(APPLAUSE)

In the year ahead, you will have many websites to choose from when you're looking to screw off at work. When you choose Dorothy Mantooth, however, you can be certain of a steadfast commitment to the following things:

Blatant hipocracy. We will continue to mock the local news networks for their shameless coverage of the Steelers while shamelessly writing more posts about Steeler football than anything else. Also, we will continue to misspell words, while chiding other websites for their spelling errors.

(APPLAUSE)

Stupid movies made by morons. As long as we desperately struggle to think of things to write about, we promise to fill the entertainment void with dumb-ass YouTube videos featuring (but not limited to) people falling off of roofs and getting kicked in the nuts (hopefully at the same time). We will tirelessly strive to steal these time-wasters from other, more legitimate websites, while acting as if we found the videos ourselves.

(APPLAUSE)

The occasional political rant. With politicians running this country and the world deep into the ground, the "End Times" can't be far off and we vow to sit in our undwear in the comfort of our own home and bitch on the intrawebs without actually doing anything remotely "constructive".

(APPLAUSE)

And so we move foreward, certain of nothing more than the insignifigance of these ramblings within the vast expanse of cyber space. And we surge ahead into 2007, faithful of the stupidity to come.

May God Bless the Internets.

(APPLAUSE)

Familiar Stranger 2: Electric Boogaloo

So, now we know that the Steelers new head coach is Mike Tomlin. But there's still a nagging familiarity, as if we've seen him before. Perhaps the following equation will help to clear things up:

Comedian Eddie Griffin
plus actor Omar Epps
equals Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin

Man, I'm Good

See? I was right all along. It's shortly after midnight and the Associated Press is now confirming what I predicted from day one: that Ken Whisenhunt Russ Grimm Mike Singletary Chuck Tanner Mike Tomlin will be the next head coach of the Steelers.

Sometimes I scare myself with this kind of forecasting. It's almost as if I have the power to see the future, like Kreskin or Dennis Bowman.

Now, if we can just think up some nicknames...

His Brother, Hammer, Was Unavailable For Comment

Slow news day at the Pittsburgh Post Gazette:

"An Indiana County man named Justin Tyme recently became father Tyme when his girlfriend gave birth to their daughter: Summer Tyme."

The article reveals that the 52-year-old man's name wasn't originally "Justin Tyme", but that when he was 21, he changed it because someone at a party said to him, "Ah, you're just in time." Sounds like a good enough reason to legally change your name and then screw up your newborn kid's life with a stupid name, too.

Personally, I think he should have started calling himself "Hugh Jassole", but that's just me.

Just Trying To Plan Ahead

Since it would suck to go to a six-hour-long job interview and not get the gig, I'm going to assume that Russ Grimm will be the next head coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

That being said, all great sports figures have fun nicknames like Bill "The Chin" Cowher, John "Chucky" Gruden, and Dick "Weepy-Ass" Vermeil.

So, in the spirit of preparedness, here are some possible nicknames that Russ Grimm could use, should he get the job (feel free to add your own in the comments section):

• "The Double Chin"

• "The Grimm Weeper" (Applies only if, like Vermeil, he cries after wins)

• Russ "My Outlook For The Steelers Is Not" Grimm

• "Grimm Jong-Il" (Aplies only if he has a "dictator-like" coaching style)

• "Andy Reid"
  

• "The Russell Muscle" (Applies only to his penis)
  

Things I've Noticed: Toto Edition

Just heard the song "Africa" by Toto on the radio and while, yes, it is a bad/guilty-pleasure 80's song that we've heard a bajillion times, ad nauseum, may I submit that it contains possibly the greatest lyrics ever written in a song:

"I know that I must do what's right /

As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti"

Hole. Lee. Crap.

Dude used twenty-one syllables to work Kilimanjaro, Olympus, and the Serengeti into one line of a song.

One line.

What have you done today?

The song dates back to 1982 and was Toto's last hit, which makes sense. I mean, after you write that, you've pretty much blown your artistic wad, haven't you?

I'm just sayin'.

No Word If There's A "Snooze" Function

Here's a headline to close out your Friday with a smile:

Scientists Prepare To Move Doomsday Clock Forward

"The [Bulletin of Atomic Scientists] did not say in which direction the hands would move. But in a news release previewing an event next Wednesday, they said the change was based on 'worsening nuclear, climate threats' to the world."
-Reuters

Well. Ummm...

Have a great weekend!

Familiar Strangers

Conventional wisdom tells us that, while several men are being considered for the Steelers' head coaching job, it's really come down to two candidates: Ken Whisenhunt and Russ Grimm.

It'll be exciting to see a fresh face taking over the franchise, but at the same time, is it just me, or do these guys seem a little familiar?

First, there's Ken Whisenhunt:

...who is the love child of Bill Cowher:...and C-list action movie star Jason Statham:

_________________________

Then, we have Russ Grimm:
...who is part Farley:
...mixed with a little Andy Reid:
...a dash of Holmgren:
...and a generous helping of Chumley:

So, with all that being said, this can mean only one thing.

I have a lot of spare time on my hands.

Well, We've Had A Good Run

Thanks to Kevin for alerting me to this story about the Food and Drug Administraion approving Slentrol, the first weight loss drug for dogs:

" 'It would be helpful,' [Professor of Animal Sciences] Fahey said of Slentrol, 'if people could feed their dogs less. That would be turning off the spigot instead of mopping the floor. Not everybody's going to do that.' ''
-Bloomberg.com

So, I guess that's it. Turn in your social security card on your way out, we're pretty much done as a country.

And a word of warning: you might want to check out before they start the commercials, featuring two dogs at sunset, bathing on a hill in matching antique claw-foot tubs.

Or the Doggie Viagra spots, with a sad-looking Schnauzer gazing longingly at his owner's shin.

You know we're almost there.

Cowher Outage

With Bill Cowher announcing his retirement today, let's look back at just a few of the emotions and feelings this future Hall of Fame coach has displayed through the years:

Mirth

Slight Disapproval

Bemused Resignation

General Jocularity

Constipation
And finally, the players' perspective:

Thank you, Coach. It's been a great run.

And, of course, you've far exceeded any of our expectorations expectations.

Bill Cowher's Colon Is Fine

It's good to know that when there's an impending crisis, the local news stations are keeping a close eye on the situation.

Case in point, the "Channel 11 Coach Cowher Watch" which features minute-by-minute updates on the employment status of the head coach of our beloved Steelers. Some excerpts:

• Tuesday, 1/2 at 12 p.m. -- Channel 11 sports reporter Rich Walsh was at the news conference and said Bill Cowher did not speak about his future with the team.
  

• Tuesday, 1/2 at 1:30 p.m. -- Channel 11's Rich Walsh reports the Steelers have no comment so far.
  

• Tuesday, 1/2 at 3:30 p.m. -- There is no official comment from Steelers.

Thanks, WPXI!

If I remember correctly, the coverage wasn't this close when the Pope was on his death bed a couple of years ago.

Not to be outdone, WTAE's Sally Wiggin has announced plans for a special report called "A Journey Inside Greatness: The Bill Cowher Colonoscopy". Watch for the DVD, available at Wal-Mart in time for Valentine's Day.