Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint

The End

2009-04-14T15:31:00.002-04:00

But not really.

As Socrates so succinctly reminded us, "When one blog closes, another one opens."

It's a new day over at Lighten Up, Francis.

Come on in, won't you? The water's fine.

Have We Learned Nothing From Billy Joel?

2007-10-12T15:10:00.000-04:00

Every once in awhile, God smiles down on this blog and presents a story that was made to mocked. Today's tale comes to us from the storybook land of Wal*Mart in White Township, where a Coke deliveryman and a Pepsi deliveryman were involved in a kerfuffle earlier this week:

"It's not clear exactly what the bickering was about, but as the Coke employee left the store, the Pepsi guy called him over to the side of the Wal-Mart. There, police said, he "punched the victim three times in the face," breaking his nose and giving him a black eye."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Action. Intrigue. Middle-aged men fighting over which sugary beverage is superior. Other than a beautiful princess riding on a winged unicorn, is there anything this story doesn't offer? Because if there is, I don't see it.

Also, in conclusion, the Shasta guy would have totally kicked both of their asses. Recognize, bitches.

And You Thought Driving While Text Messaging Was Dangerous

2007-09-24T15:17:00.000-04:00

Odd story in today's paper about an accident in Somerset County:

Clark Fish was driving Sunday evening on Kuhntown Road in Jefferson Township, Somerset County, when, he told police, he "accidentally shot his hand with a .357 revolver," troopers said.
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Assuming he bought his car at one of the many fine Baierl Automotive showrooms in the Pittsburgh area, could we say that this story was like shooting Fish in a Baierl?

No?

Screw you, then. Maybe I'll just get back to work, if this is how you're gonna be.

Yes, We Are Indeed Ready For Some Football

2007-09-06T18:37:00.000-04:00

What better way to honor tonight's start of the 2007 NFL season than a "Terry Tate: Office Linebacker" video:

Whatcha Gonna Do

2007-09-03T23:52:00.000-04:00

In case you were wondering if Hulkamania is still running wild all over you, the answer is yes. Yes, it is. Apparently Hulk Hogan is the spokesman for something called "The National Wave", the idea for which was born in Freedom, PA:

"The goal of the National Wave is to have Americans across the country wave a “Uniting Towel of America” at the same time for 15 minutes at 9 p.m. ET on July 4, 2008."
-KDKA

Interesting. It may sound TERRIBLE to say, but I feel like I've seen this TOWEL idea somewhere before. If only I could remember where. Memory loss is an awful thing, but it's something I guess I have to COPE with.

Also, we're supposed to wave it for 15 minutes? Straight? Can we take a break? I mean, I'm pretty sure people's arms are gonna get tired. Let's be honest: not everybody has pythons like Hulk and me*. Plus, 9:00 is when my Golden Girls reruns come on and if I miss the first 15 minutes, I just can't catch up.

*Admission to the Gun Show is $5.00 and available through your local Ticketmaster outlet. You'll have to buy the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge.

Your Josh Miller News Headquarters

2007-09-01T08:22:00.000-04:00

Breaking: The New England Patriots have replaced former Steeler punter Josh Miller with Chris Hanson. In other news, the Patriots announced that all Gatorade on the sidelines will be replaced with lemonade and a seat over there.

Details developing...

Miller Time

2007-08-23T22:17:00.000-04:00

Update on a former Steeler and our favorite member of the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame: punter Josh Miller was released by the Patriots last week and he made some interesting comments on his way out the door:

“It was a great time. Before I got here, I never realized that coaches actually won games. Now I know I probably should have won more at the other teams I played for.”
-The Boston Herald

So, a little slap at Bill Cowher? Seems understandable, considering how Cowher would gently reprimand him on the sidelines when Josh would shank the rare punt for the Steelers. And by "gently reprimand him", of course, I mean "scream in his face". But that's what endeared him to Steeler fans; who among us couldn't relate to being yelled at by our jerk-off boss?

Through it all, though, Josh remained undaunted and loyal. Even to the point of actually giving his son Caleb the middle name "Steele", which, we now know, is certainly better than giving him the middle name "McBeam".

Thanks for the good memories, Josh. We wish you the best and continued success. You'll always be number 4 to us.

Begun, The Cone Wars Have

2007-08-21T09:25:00.000-04:00

The world's angriest (and greatest?) ice cream man, Nazzareno Didiano (immortalized in song here), was back in court yesterday and the prosecution had a lot to say about his unique style of handling competing ice cream vendors:

"I was terrified," said Murphy. "I was terrified. He pulled a knife out on me in front of children and adults. He threatened me, then he threatened the vehicle, then he punctured a hole in the vehicle tire."
-The Pittsburgh Channel

A couple of quick thoughts. First of all, if you're trying to get a vehicle to leave the premises, cutting it's tires probably isn't the most cunning of plans. You've gotta think these things through, Nazz.

Secondly, the story quotes Nazz as saying that he trained this lady in the ice cream arts before she went on to try to steal his business by taking over his route. So, naturally he tried to stab her. History hasn't seen a betrayal of this magnitude since Anakin Skywalker turned on Obi Wan Kenobi. The only real difference is that instead of light sabers, these two carry Choco-Tacos.

The adventure continues at a courthouse near you on September 10th.

Frankeneinstein

2007-08-20T16:05:00.000-04:00

If you enjoy reading the occasional biography, pick up Walter Isaacson's Einstein: His Life and Universe. It's a pretty compelling read that made me want to scour the internet for more info about the great physicist. That's when I stumbled across this video of a Korean robot with Einstein's head attached:

Creepy? Cool? I'll go with the latter, although if it was just the two of us together on a stormy night, he'd be spending some time in the closet.

More info here.

The Price's Blight

2007-08-15T15:58:00.000-04:00

Generally speaking, it's tough to name people from Cleveland who are cool and entertaining, but Drew Carey is the exception to that rule. That's why it's unfortunate (read: "funny") that he's been injured while practicing to take over the hosting duties on The Price Is Right:

Carey got his arm caught in a rotating apparatus while rehearsing leading a contestant through playing one of “Price’s” longest running competitions, the “Grocery Game.”
-Access Hollywood

Really? The Grocery Game? Isn't that the one where you just guess the prices of different things? I'm no doctor (or am I?), but I would have guessed that the worst that could happen with that one would be getting a mild headache. If you'd asked me, I would have told you that spinning the big wheel was the most dangerous part of the show. Or being attacked by a Samoan.

Pictures of Drew's jacked up arm can be found here.

And Now, A Public Service Announcement

2007-08-15T15:25:00.000-04:00

Occasionally, people who aren't from Pittsburgh stumble onto this humble blog. Some accidentally land here while searching for porn, while others simply suffer from dementia and arrive here by randomly hitting letters on their keyboards.

At any pace, for those not native to Western Pennsylvania who might wonder what a "yinzer" is, the answer comes when there are 21 seconds left in the following video:

An Open Letter To Steely McBeam

2007-08-11T07:15:00.000-04:00

Dear Steely,

You seem like a nice guy, so we're not gonna lead you on. This- this just isn't working out.

It's not you, it's us. Pittsburghers hate change. It's like when the marketing douchebags decided that they were gonna make us call the north side "The North Shore". They can post that on as many road signs as they want, but it ain't happening. Maybe it's that we don't like things forced upon us.

Or maybe we've just been hurt by too many mascots in the past. The Pirate Parrot's cocaine problems have been well documented. He was a user and a dealer and those who've watched him dance might argue that he's never really left the Devil's Dandruff behind. Surely the Pirates record over these last 15 years hasn't helped.

Iceburgh the Penguin has had his share of struggles, too. We'll never forget his killing spree which could only be stopped by Jean Claude Van Damme. But, as far as we know, he's put those days behind him and we're not here to judge. When he puts a kid's head in his mouth now, it's funny. If you did that, we'd have nightmares for the rest of our lives.

Conspiracy theorists might suggest that you were set up to fail from the beginning. It's possible. Maybe the powers-that-be wanted a diversion from the ultimate Steelers change: a new head coach. Hopefully that's not the case because you deserve better than to be used as a cheap pawn in the Rooney family's quest to own Pittsburgh and the world.

But if you search your feelings, Steely, we think you'll agree that we're just not meant to to be together. Could there be any clearer sign than the destructive storms that rained down upon us and sent Allegheny county into a state of emergency the day after you were named? Clearly the football gods are not happy.

You have a lot to offer. With the right team, we have no doubt that you'll be successful. With a few modifications you could be a great fit in, say, Green Bay. A small change in your outfit and you could become Monterey Jack, the Cheese Plant Worker. Or maybe Bob Barker, The Dog Catcher in Atlanta. God knows they could use the help. We're just brainstorming here, but you get the idea.

The bottom line is that we wish you the best. And it's best that you leave.

Sincerely,
Pittsburgh

P.S. Could you leave a few bobbleheads behind? We love bobbleheads.

Doppler Live StormBlog 2000

2007-08-09T17:42:00.000-04:00

5:42: I've decided to live blog Channel 4's coverage of this afternoon's storms. Refresh your browser often for breaking events! This can only end well.

5:46: Dr. Marilyn Brooks advises us to stay away from feces-laden water.

5:51: Wendy Bell and Michelle Wright are wearing the exact same jacket in different Easter-Egg pastel colors. Armageddon is nigh.

5:53: Stephen Cropper says Don Schwenneker is "quarterbacking the coverage". Like the Steelers! Good Lord, where are the Steelers?!

5:55: Another storm is set to destroy what's left of Pittsburgh between 8 and 9 tonight. Plan accordingly.

5:57: The maps are phenominal. In addition to the scary red blotches, there are now BURGUNDY BLOTCHES. WE'VE GONE TO BURGUNDY.

6:00: Sally's on the case, bitches.

6:05 Apparently there's something called "Lightning Tracker" that counts lightning strikes.

6:08: The Mayor speaks.

6:09: Mayor Luke says no major injuries. Is he LYING? We'll see, Luke. We'll see. Somebody get Jon Delano up in this piece.

6:12: The Mayor has handed it off to the Head Emergency Guy or somebody, who says that our resiliance has been tested today and that tonight we dine in hell.

6:15 Luke is fielding questions. SOMEBODY ASK IF THE STEELERS ARE OK!

6:21: Emergency Guy is back and says that we may be in the dark tonight. This conference sponsored by Ralph's Army Surplus, with the lowest prices on gas lanterns!
6:24: Back to the studio. Doppler FashionWatch: Sally has seemingly gone off the deep end and is dressed in a New York Yankees uniform.
6:26: Cropper and Schwenneker have developed something called the "Futurecast"! Can't they just use it to travel ahead in time and bring back the weather-controlling equipment that will be created in the year 2564??
6:30: WTAE has apparently been destroyed as Channel 4 goes to national programming. Somewhere, Don Cannon is just waking up.

Meet Your New Recurring Nightmare

2007-08-09T12:24:00.000-04:00

The Steelers new mascot has officially been named "Steeley McBeam". Some common mispronounciations of his name include:

Ally McBeal
Steeley Dan Rooney
Stealers McWheels
Beam Me Up Scotty
MacLean Stevenson
Jimmy McBeam
Jimmy Dean
Abe Frohman, the Sausage King
Uncle Remus
Imakekids McScream
Dickhead

Putting French Fries On A Salad Is Highly Illogical

2007-08-02T17:44:00.000-04:00

Big news from the San Diego Comic-Con this week- a Pittsburgher has signed on to play young Mr. Spock in the upcoming big screen re-hash of Star Trek:

"Ending months of speculation, J.J. Abrams announced the first major casting in the director's hush-hush re-energizing of the Star Trek movie franchise by tapping Zachary Quinto to play Spock, the hyper-logical science stud with the pointy ears and Vulcan death grip."
-ew.com

If you're not familiar with Mr. Quinto's work, he plays the brain-eating "Sylar" on Heroes and also had a small role on 24 a season or two back, if memory serves. In 1995, he graduated from Central Catholic and in 1999, he graduated from Carnegie Mellon.

So there you go. If you expected some sort of Pittsburgh-related Star Trek pun, you've come to the wrong place. That's not what we're about. You'll also find no mention here of Quinto spending time in Mars or Moon to prepare for the role. This blog is much too high-brow for that type of thing. Also, I'm tired and can't think of any, so cut me some slack. I'm a doctor, not a writer.

Here We Go Stealers

2007-07-25T16:09:00.000-04:00

With football season closing in, Pittsburgh sports-related crimes seem to be all the rage:

The guy who pretended to be Jerame Tuman, Ben Roethlisberger, and Brian St. Pierre has been sentenced. Word of warning: if a Steeler tries to bum $3,200 off of you, he might be an imposter. Unless it's St. Pierre, who probably could use the money and/or work mowing your lawn.

The Smoking Gun is doing God's work, featuring photos of people who had their mugshots taken while wearing their favorite team jerseys. The handsome and alert gentleman pictured above is Pittsburgh's proud representation. Click here for the crimey-goodness.

Much like The Beastie Boys, circa 1986, the Penguins Jordan Staal (and his brother Eric) are fighting for their right to party. Now if they could just stop their mom from throwing away their best porno mags.

WPXI Puts The "New" In "News"

2007-07-24T17:11:00.000-04:00

You have to love that plucky little band of sleuths over at Channel 11. When they're not falling asleep on the air, they're uncovering stories about the ladies in Ben Roethlisberger's life:

"It seems Big Ben has a new girlfriend. Former 'Heroes' actress Missy Peregrym has reportedly been traveling between Los Angeles and Pittsburgh to visit the QB."
-wpxi.com

It's wonderful that our local news outlets are so dedicated to reporting the latest breaking stories. And by "breaking stories", I mean "things that we've known for almost six months now".

The best part has to be the sly tone. "It seems Big Ben has a new girlfriend." I'm pretty sure that was written by a giant basset hound wearing a Sherlock Holmes-style hat and coat, while smoking a curled pipe in front of the library fireplace.

*Props to The Burgh Blog for finding the narcoleptic Bob Bruce video first. Talk about sleuthy!

Good Humor Man

2007-07-21T08:19:00.000-04:00

We have a new claim to fame here in the Burgh; we're now officially home to the world's angriest Ice Cream Man, Nazzareno Didiano:

"The woman told investigators Didiano started screaming and cursing at her in front of children, saying she was hurting his business. Then, she said, he went back to his truck and pulled out a knife and threatened her before slashing her truck's tires."
-The Pittsburgh Channel

As a tribute to Mr. Didiano, here's a song we wrote, sung to the tune of Van Halen's Ice Cream Man:

♪ Now summertime's here babe, I'm tryin' not to lose my cool
Ah now summertime's here babe, I'm tryin' not to lose my cool
Better look out now though, Nazz got somethin for you
Tell ya what it is

I'm your ice cream man, stab you when I'm passin' by
Oh my my
I'm your ice cream man, stop me and I'll slash your tire
Kill all my competition, gonna make another fat kid cry
Hold on a second baby

I'll shove a big Scooter Crunch,
ah, up your butt
Sideways and straight up too
I'm your ice cream man, baby, stop me and I'll slash your tire
Kill all my competition, gonna make another fat kid cry
Hold on, one more

Well, I'm usually passin' by, but don't you know that this is my block
Uh huh, I never stop
When you see me passin' by, getcha dumb ass offa my block
And if I tell you more than one time, you'll be my regular stop
All right boys

I'm your ice cream man, stab you when I'm passin' by
I'm your ice cream man, stop me and I'll cut your tire
Kill all the competition, guaranteed to make a fat kid cry
One time, boys
I'm your ice cream man
I'm your ice cream man
B-b-b-b-b-b-b-baby
Ah my, my, my
All those fat kids are guaranteed to yell and... cr-uh-uh-yyyy
Ow ♪

Potter Post Obligatorus

2007-07-20T08:02:00.000-04:00

In honor of tonight's release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Don't Make Fred Rogers Angry. You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry

2007-07-17T17:44:00.000-04:00

Ten years ago this week, Fred Rogers received a lifetime achievement award from the Television Critics Association. Let's celebrate by watching the greatest Mr. Rogers segment ever:

Maybe It's Time To Try Decaf

2007-07-17T15:17:00.000-04:00

Seems like things are a little high-strung down at the courthouse these days:

"A salad left unattended in a bag under a restroom sink prompted the closing of the Grant Street entrance to the Allegheny County Courthouse and the evacuation of county Chief Executive Dan Onorato's office for about an hour this afternoon."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Really?

Who knows how this all went down, but you're telling me that no one could have peeked in the bag before they brought in the police and the bomb sniffing dogs?

Really?

We Went To A Hockey Game And Gay Porn Broke Out

2007-07-14T20:34:00.000-04:00

Took some time out this afternoon for a game of EA Sports NHL 07 on the Xbox 360. We were the Penguins, playing against the computerized Devils; it was a hard-hitting and intense match-up, so you can imagine our surprise when an injured Brian Rafalski left the ice and proceeded to climb behind and straddle Cam Janssen on New Jersey's bench:

Maybe they just got caught up in the heat of the competition? Whatever happened, we're not here to judge. Way to put it in the five hole, Raffy. Cam's gotta be sad to see you go to the Red Wings this season.

Power To The People (Or How We Got Our NFL Network Back)

2007-07-14T15:59:00.000-04:00

If you're a frequent reader of this blog, you know how crushed we were to find out that Comcast had taken away our NFL Network and was holding it hostage for more money. Where else could we find a neckless Jamie Dukes stuffed into a suit like a fresh sausage in its casing? How would we know which of the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders could perform a Herkie Jump well enough to make the squad? If not from Rich Eisen, where would we get our daily dose of snark?

After hours of lying in the fetal position, naked, in an empty bathtub, we decided it was time to take action. And take action we did. Here, now, are The Mantooth's tips for getting the NFL Network back at no extra cost:

1. Stay calm. Find your inner chi. You'll need patience and a cool head when dealing with the evil Comcast. Getting them to give you the NFL Network back may take a couple of days. But isn't seeing Deion Sanders in a Tom Landry hat worth it?

2. Make the call. 1-800-comcast. After cycling through quite a few voice prompts, you'll finally get to a human being.

3. Be firm but polite. The people you're talking to aren't personally responsible. They're just misguided stormtroopers on the Comcast Death Star. Express your displeasure that you're losing channels but still being charged the same rate.

4. Expect resistance. Expect to get the sales speech, telling you that for 6 extra bucks a month you'll not only get the NFL Network, but an entire sports package, featuring tennis and basketball! Stand your ground and let them know that you're not the type of pretentious a-hole who watches tennis on TV. But in a nice way.

5. The kid we talked to said that Comcast had planned to charge for the NFL Network all along and finally just got around to it. He phrased it as if we'd been lucky to have been getting the channel "for free" over these last couple of years. Which is bunk, but stay cool. Remain firm and you'll get passed on to the next level.

6. Remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint. Getting to the next level may take some time. After sitting on hold and listening to muzak for several minutes, a lady answered and asked what we were calling in regards to. We told her and she asked if someone could call us back, since they were experiencing a high call volume. Fine, we said. We looked forward to the call. The call came about 18 hours later and again came with resistance.

7. Play your big card. Politely explain that you're so disappointed over this that you're seriously considering dropping your service. If you have internet or phone service with the evil Comcast, don't forget to mention those, as well. Tell them that the competition is getting fierce and you're considering giving Dish Network or DirecTV a try. This seemed to genuinely shock the guy we talked with.

8. Get ready for them to blink. This is when the fellow we spoke with broke and offered us the NFL Network for free until the end of the year. Accept.

9. Sit down in front of your TV and enjoy the boyish charm and enthusiasm of Fran Charles.

10.Later, quietly ask yourself why you went through all that just so you could see continuous reports on what a douchebag ~~Chris Henry~~ ~~Pacman Jones~~ ~~Tank Johnson~~ Michael Vick is.

Welcome to Pennsylbama

2007-07-12T16:32:00.000-04:00

Good news if you're a fan of the south: soon we'll be getting their weather right here in Western PA! According to a new study from a group called The Union of Concerned Scientists, if we don't change our environmental ways, you can kiss goodbye to fun activites like skiing, snowmobiling, and breathing:

"According to that report, Western Pennsylvania's climate will resemble the current climate in Alabama if emissions continue to grow, with 20 to 25 days each summer with above-100-degree temperatures and 60 days a year with temperatures above 90."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

While "The Union of Concerned Scientists" is an enjoyable name for a group (it's like a slightly less-cool version of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen), this is unsettling news. Like we need to spend more 90-plus degree days riding to work on the bus, sitting between two dudes who are making their own man-gravy, Alabama-style.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we need to get our non-working appliances and rusted cars out onto the front lawn.

Flame On

2007-07-12T08:01:00.000-04:00

First they come for your smokes, then they come for your smoked meats:

"Canonsburg Mayor Anthony Colaizzo issued an executive order this week banning the use of grills -- propane, charcoal and wood -- after 8 p.m."
-Pittsburgh Tribune Review

One-time offenders will get a warning, after that a $300 fine will be imposed on rogue grillers.

Well this can only end well.

Who knows were this mayor is from originally, but he'd better remember that we love our grills here in Western Pennsylvania. How else are we supposed to hold our all-night vigils/tailgates when Ben Roethlisberger injures himself days before the Steelers season begins?

Georges Laraque Will Have To Hold A Guy Just To Stay Warm

2007-07-11T17:40:00.000-04:00

In sports news that doesn't make us want to punch a baby (we're lookin' at you, Comcast), it seems we might get to watch the Penguins play outdoor hockey in Buffalo this season:

"Sources around the NHL have indicated the Sabres would land the game, probably on New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day against the Pittsburgh Penguins, if myriad logistical issues can be finalized by the end of the month."
-The Buffalo News

The Penguins new schedule was released today and they are slated to play in Buffalo on New Year's Day, but there's no word if it'll be an outdoor game. If it is, that would make us happier than PittGirl in a pigeon punting contest.

The Cable Guy Hates You

2007-07-11T16:32:00.000-04:00

Those crazy folks at Comcast have figured a way to sneak a few more bucks out of your pocket. Namely, by charging extra for the NFL Network:

"Beginning this week, Comcast is moving the NFL Network into its sports entertainment tier, meaning those of you who want to see it will have to pay an extra $7 a month to purchase the entire package."
-The Pittsburgh Channel

Here's an idea, Comcast. How about you let us get rid of the 50 plus channels that we never watch but need to have in order to get digital cable and we'll keep our NFL Network. Really. For starters, we don't want your plethora of shopping channels, your religious channels, your golf network, or your dumbass E! Entertainment Channel. We bet we could come up with a few more, too. Keep all of those and just give us our NFL Network.

Deal?

Didn't think so.

Remember when companies used to work to earn your money instead of working to find new ways to take your money?

Thanks For The Mammaries

2007-07-09T17:12:00.000-04:00

In the midst of the government shut-down, Governor Rendell has secured the baby endorsement by signing into law a measure that allows breast feeding in public:

"Local governments may not prohibit public breast-feeding, whether or not the mother's breast is concealed, and the act cannot be considered indecent exposure, obscene or sexual conduct, or a nuisance."
-The Pittsburgh Channel

As always, we feel it's out duty to keep you abreast of breaking news here in PA.

It's good to see that even the boobs who run our government can get things right occasionally and that sometimes our officials can even become bosom buddies with those who elected them. Rendell has obviously shone the high beams on this problem and understands that the people of Pennsylvania are concerned with things other than the new arena that will take the place of Mellon's.

We have to say that, in this case, Rendell is coming across as leader who will rack his brain until he comes up with an answer and has a "positive solution or bust" mentality. Hopefully it won't be long before he visits Western PA again and hob-knobs with us Pittsburghers.

In closing, thank you for taking the time to read this. We're truly gland to have you.

The Empire Strikes Black And Gold

2007-07-01T00:02:00.000-04:00

Pirates Chairman Bob Nutting to Fans For Change: "Oh, I'm afraid PNC Park will be quite operational when your friends arrive."

Well, the protest of the Pirates organization didn't go as well as some had hoped. According the the Post Gazette, most of the 22,000 in attendance Saturday night stayed in their seats after the third inning, when the Fans For Change were hoping people would show their displeasure with 14 losing seasons by walking out of the ball park.

Still, some fun was had before the game:

"A bobblehead doll was smashed in the street as a way of telling management that real baseball fans are tired of giveaways and want to see quality baseball again."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Pirates principal owner Bob Nutting responded to the bobblehead smashing by saying that he sensed the hate swelling in the rebels and that with each passing moment they made themselves more his servant.

Chris Farley Has Been Reincarnated

2007-06-30T23:41:00.000-04:00

Still no cure for cancer, but every now and then you can find a real diamond like this in the rough over at Fark.

Eternal Sunshine Of The Pirate's Mind

2007-06-28T15:34:00.000-04:00

Every so often, we here at The Mantooth ~~are forced to~~ have occasion to watch the odd "chick flick" and, while the good ones are few and far between, we're secure enough in our masculinity to admit that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is one that stands out.

It's a bizarre movie. If you haven't seen it, the basic premise is that Jim Carrey is in so much anguish over a breakup with his girlfriend, Kate Winslet, that he employs a company to erase all memory of her from his brain. During the procedure, while he's unconscious, he decides that he doesn't want to forget her and starts hiding his memories of her in places in his brain where the doctors won't look. The whole movie is a mind-bender on par with what Dock Ellis probably saw as he pitched that no hitter back in '70 .

Our Pittsburgh Pirates seem to be performing a similar procedure on us, but in reverse. Concerning this Saturday night's planned protest/walk-out (details here with The Average White Guy), the Pirates organization is trying to erase the future:

"[The Pirates] have asked their television announcing crew not to discuss the walkout with the media. They have removed all comments about the walkout from their message board at pirates.com. They have the support of their television rights holder, FSN Pittsburgh, which does not plan to show the protest as part of its game coverage."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Too bad the Nuttings don't expend as much energy putting a winning team on the field as they do trying to make sure that people don't know about this protest.

Too bad they don't realize that, just as the movie ended with Carrey and Winslet agreeing to give their relationship one more try, Pirates fans have been loyal enough to give the organization 14 more tries.

Oh, wait. They do know that.

In fact, they're counting on it.

Burgh Brother

2007-06-27T09:20:00.000-04:00

Today might be a good day to stop by your local grocery store and stock up on tinfoil; according to today's Post Gazette, we need to start preparing hats to block the 24- hour-a-day surveillance that our overlords will soon be imposing upon us by way of hundreds of cameras across the city:

"Video cameras scattered throughout Downtown and other neighborhoods would eventually be linked in a surveillance network, under a proposal by Mayor Luke Ravenstahl and Allegheny County District Attorney Stephen A. Zappala Jr."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Some offenses that, if caught on camera, will be cause for deportation and/or incarceration by Pittsburgh authorities:

Removing french fries from any sandwich or salad

Attempting to block Mayor Luke from meeting his favorite celebrities

Coming in contact with anything or anyone from Cleveland and not acting in a mocking manner

Using in vain the name of any 70's era Steeler

Not beginning every news story with the word "Hey," (Wendy Bell only)

Prank calling Adult Mart on McKnight Road and asking if they have any "Dick Skrinjars" in stock

The Voices In My Head Are Telling Me To Hit You With This Plank Of Wood

2007-06-26T08:10:00.000-04:00

The paddle is long since gone from classrooms, but Joey Salvati from New Kensington is trying to bring it back into vogue. In fact, he's giving paddles and instructions away for free on his website, spare-rods.com.

Interesting idea. Certainly Jasper from The Simpsons understood the effectiveness of the paddle:

The part that's fascinating is that Joey, like Elwood Blues, sees himself as being on a mission from God:

"[Salvati], 39, a father of two, was in the shower about a month ago when he first heard God speak to him about the matter. Whether it was an external or internal voice, he wasn't sure. He tried to ignore it, but it kept coming back, day after day, until he realized he had to do something about it."
-Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

Again, intriguing premise. We don't hate the idea of the paddle, but when a guy tells us that the voices in his head keep coming back, day after day, we tend to worry a little. Replace "God" with "the space men" or "Orson Welles" in the paragraph above and most people would assume that he's not hooked up properly. Just food for thought.

Although, who knows. Maybe we just need a good paddlin'.

Bill Cowher Drives Like A Retiree

2007-06-25T15:37:00.001-04:00

It's been at least several days since the local news outlets have given us a "where is he now" update on Bill Cowher, so it was good to see him take to a stock car and compete in the Fast Cars and Superstars celebrity race on ABC last night. How did he do?

"Things didn't go well for the former coach, who ended up finishing last after stalling his car leaving the pit stop and turned in a fastest average lap of 139 mph, slowest of all the competitors."
-Rocky Mountain News

139 mph? Most days, people go faster than that on the Parkway East (when there's no construction). We're not trying to say that Bill Cowher has lost his competitive edge, but when Jewel beats you in a NASCAR race, um, yeah maybe retirement was the right idea.

If you're bored, you can watch the show here. But we suggest you go outside and get some fresh air or something.

Willie Would Be Proud

2007-06-25T09:05:00.000-04:00

If you're like us, you consult your W.W.W.N.D. (What Would Willie Nelson Do) bracelet before making any major life decisions, so you can imagine our excitement that the higher-ups at Eat'n Park have been doing the same:

"It won't just be the power of suggestion that has you smelling French fries while driving behind Eat'n Park trucks. That's because they'll soon be running on a biodiesel blend made from the oil from the fry vats at their own restaurants."
-Pittsburgh City Paper

So, with their new biodiesel fuel policy and their embracing of the smoking ban (even after it's reversal) Eat'n Park seems to be leading the way in corporate progressiveness.

Some other forward-thinking policies and products that Eat 'n Park will introduce by year's end:

Smiley Cookie's fun-loving brother, "The Uncontrollable Giggles Brownie" (note: not on display, ask for "Todd" to hook you up)

Waitresses no longer required to shave armpits

After a rough night, promises not to play the fucking Eagles on the p.a. system, man

Will reach out to King's Family Restaurant's "Frownie"; try to find out what's harshing his mellow

Miller's Crossing

2007-06-22T15:29:00.000-04:00

Pittsburgh native and recent right-wing radio host Dennis Miller had a chance to cross paths with his new demographic when he hosted a free appearance at the Fox Theater in Redwood City, CA last week:

"Miller swore at one member of the audience during his free appearance Friday night at the Fox Theater, later apologized, and explained that he wasn’t used to the rancor of a political audience[that] shouted down Miller’s guest former San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown whenever the liberal Democrat made a statement they didn’t agree with."
-The Mercury News

Now, I don't wanna get off on a rant here, but it sounds like that new fan base is the political equivalent of Jimmy Cagney in Public Enemy, giving Dennis the verbal grapefruit in the face, while letting fly with more slurs than Foster Brooks on the dais at a Dean Martin roast.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

2007-06-22T11:20:00.000-04:00

And now, just in case you haven't experienced it yet... The Dramatic Prairie Dog:

West End Circle Jerk

2007-06-22T10:03:00.000-04:00

It's no secret that the local news outlets generally use kid gloves when it comes to controversial stories about Pittsburgh's major sports teams. Today, the Post Gazette decided to buck that trend by shedding some light on the fact that the Steelers and Pirates (the organizations bitching the loudest about potential traffic problems caused by the new casino) haven't been attending the traffic planning meetings:

"'The ... elephant in the room is that the elephants are not in the room,' said Mark T. Fatla, executive director of the Northside Leadership Conference."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

In addition to that, it seems that casino traffic problems don't concern the Rooney family when they own the facility, like the one they're building in Yonkers, NY:

"The facility’s reopening has been delayed; two lawsuits were filed and then settled. All this comes amid neighbors’ concerns over traffic and noise, and other worries about the effects of gambling in general. Undaunted, [Timothy] Rooney speaks confidently of Empire City at Yonkers Raceway and his hopes for the revised facility, which, when complete, will offer up to 7,500 video gaming machines, harness racing and simulcasting, as well as several restaurants, bars and an entertainment venue."
-Westchester County Business Journal

Don't get us wrong; despite the knocks we give them from time to time, come gameday, we're big Steeler and Pirate fans.

But this is just annoying.

We're Pretty Sure "Hellraiser 6" Started This Way

2007-06-21T14:17:00.000-04:00

Lock your doors: this fall, the Carnegie Science Center is bringing the "Bodies" exhibit to town, which features 15 actual human corpses that have been preserved and placed in various sporting poses, such as "kicking a soccer ball" and "setting up a tennis serve". Oh, and there will be over 200 other body parts, including embryos and fetuses (feti?) on display for your viewing pleasure, as well.

Needless to say, some people aren't too happy, including at least one employee of the science center:

"One opponent is Elaine Catz, an 11-year employee of the science center who resigned over 'Bodies' last week. 'We don't know how these people died or why they died, and I don't think Premier knows, either,' she said, referring to the company, Premier Exhibitions of Atlanta, that is presenting the show."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Look. Have we learned nothing from horror movies? Obviously these things will come to life at night, first killing the janitor and his scrappy dog before, later, trapping a smart (and sexy) female scientist who barely escapes with her life only to find out, in a surprising twist, that the slow-witted, undead creatures have actually been here for years, playing baseball at PNC Park.

It's as plain as the nose on... well, on that shelf over there.

Offensive Holding, Part 2: Electric Ankle Bracelet Boogaloo

2007-06-21T09:51:00.000-04:00

Following up on last October's story about the firefighter who called off sick from work, then went to the Steeler game, where he... well... whipped out his Super Dog in front of a group of women at the concession stand and then punched a couple of stadium security guards:

"Lt. Martin Sanders was sentenced to 15 months of house arrest, followed by five years of probation, after pleading guilty on Wednesday to simple assault, resisting arrest, indecent exposure and disorderly conduct."
-The Pittsburgh Channel

The only positive here is that it's a refreshing change to see football-related criminals who aren't on the field.

And, as a side note, you can't help but wonder if this would have caused such a ruckus at PNC Park. As they say, if a man exposes himself at a Pirates game and there's no one around to see it, would it make anyone uncomfortable?

Joey Porter Almost Wishes You'd Disrespect Him

2007-06-20T18:07:00.000-04:00

Remember Joey Porter, that loveable sociopath who used to be the core of the Steeler defense and who had killer dogs before having killer dogs was cool? Well, even though he's a Miami Dolphin now, Joey's looking to the future and preparing for a career behind the microphone by attending the NFL's "Broadcast Bootcamp", where players are taught how to analyze the game. CBS's James Brown ran the players through some potentially awkward situations:

"Brown led each player into a discussion of Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter, who was involved in a fight in Las Vegas this off-season and swept into the N.F.L. commissioner’s new personal-conduct counseling program. It made for fascinating backstage theater, since Porter was standing in the control room. No one blasted Porter, but it struck a common theme of the sessions — how to criticize a player, especially a former teammate or current friend."
-The New York Times

So, in a shocking revelation, people in the same room as Joey Porter tend to shy away from criticizing Joey Porter. Who would have guessed?

As a post-script, if there's a God, eventually Joey will end up working in the Monday Night Football booth, where he'll respond to ribbing from his coworkers by ripping out and eating Tony Kornheiser's spleen during a game.

Things To Do On The South Side When You're Drunk

2007-06-20T15:45:00.000-04:00

Any Pittsburgher worth his or her salt has stumbled through the South Side at 1:00am after having a few too many at Jack's (or any of the other 4,672,348 bars). What most of us haven't done is tried infiltrate an F.B.I building afterwards:

"A Butler County man climbed the fence surrounding the FBI's South Side headquarters and started running alongside the building. Chased by a security guard, he scaled the fence again and was eventually caught hiding in some woods."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

We'll give him the benefit of the doubt this time since he's only 18 years old and obviously hasn't learned to hold his booze yet. Everybody knows that you don't scale the perimiter of a government facility after drinking on the South Side.

You go to Tom's Diner.

Next time, relax and have a gyro, kid.

Good Luck Getting This Song Out Of Your Head

2007-06-20T10:09:00.000-04:00

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama is in the Burgh today. No word if his stalker will be following him, but we can hope, can't we:

If that wasn't enough (ya perv), click here for the story behind the video, which isn't exactly what it seems, courtesy of msn.

Put Your Lettuce On Lockdown

2007-06-19T16:21:00.000-04:00

We're sad to report that vegetable crime is apparently running rampant and unchecked in Somerset, PA:

"Someone kicked in the door of a man's apartment, stuck a knife in the door and took a chilled salad from his refrigerator."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Lettuce be thankful that olive the other items in the house were left alone. The salad must have a peas'ed the thief, who obviously didn't carrot all about the victim. Although, it could have bean a much worse outcome, we suppose.

We're so, so sorry for this post. We know it leaves mushroom for improvement.

And no one could blame you for wanting to squash us.

Did The Parrot Get Whacked?

2007-06-18T09:44:00.000-04:00

Lots of people are talking about the spoof of The Sopranos by the hilarious comedy troupe called "The Pittsburgh Pirates" (did you know they play baseball, too??) Check it out below:

Nice job, Buccos. Well done and very funny.
Now start winning some freakin' games.

(Update: we now have a better version of the video up, courtesy of Deadspin.com)

The Series Finale Of "The Sopranos Posts"

2007-06-15T17:05:00.000-04:00

While we hesitate to add another word to the litany of coverage that the final episode of The Sopranos has garnered (apparently even David Chase's sexuality isn't off limits), we would be remiss not to show the video featured below, which unveils the true fate of Tony and company:

The Sopranos Finale

2007-06-11T03:12:00.001-04:00

Well, that's it. Arguably one of the best and most influential shows on television has come to a close.

The episode brought some incredible tension, for sure, but if there's one thing-

Whaddayagunnado

2007-06-08T16:15:00.001-04:00

Lots of people are anxiously awaiting the series finale of The Sopranos on Sunday night and we here at The Mantooth are no exception. Seems everyone has a theory on how the show will end; some speculate that Tony will go down in a hail of gunfire courtesy of the New York gang, while others think that T's destiny is life in the slammer. Some other possible endings:

Tony is sentenced to life in prison where he is shockingly killed by a shiv between the ribs from his cellmate Paris Hilton, who has recently converted to the Muslim religion

Tony aids the feds in foiling a terrorist attack and, in return, is entered into the witness protection program. In an O. Henry-esque twist, he begins his new life as "Ulf Soprannosen", defenseman and "enforcer" for the Philadelphia Flyers. In other words, hell on Earth

Tony wakes up in Massachusetts to find Paulie Walnuts lying next to him in bed, under 70's-style plaid sheets

*Photo courtesy of goonblog.com. It fell off a truck. Whattayagunnado.

We're Back, Bitches

2007-06-08T15:56:00.000-04:00

After a brief sabbatical of about a month, the batteries are recharged and the snark and sarcasm are at optimum power. Perhaps we'll just call it "snarkasm". Either way, you'll find a renewed commitment to stupid stories, even stupider videos, and, if you're nice, the occasional lolcat.

It's good to be home.

Protect The Twinkie

2007-04-29T16:52:00.000-04:00

In honor of this weekend's NFL Draft:

How The Mighty Have Fallen

2007-04-24T17:51:00.000-04:00

The website officer.com wins the award for Best Headline of the Day and is in serious contention for Best Headline Ever with this gem: "Captain America Arrested with Burrito in Pants". True fans of the patriotic superhero will be shocked at what went down:

"[He] had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her."
-officer.com

Hopefully Tigger will be in touch soon with legal references.

At Least He's Not Smiling

2007-04-23T14:22:00.000-04:00

The University of Pittsburgh will hold a candlelight vigil tonight, in support of the Virginia Tech murders. While "Roc", the Pitt Panther, seems to be a little more stoic than Goldy Gopher, let's hope he keeps his antics to a minimum.

That Ain't Right

2007-04-20T16:57:00.000-04:00

Ok, maybe inviting the mascot to the University of Minnesota's Viginia Tech memorial wasn't the best idea...

*Photo courtesy of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune

Baby Penguins

2007-04-12T22:03:00.000-04:00

Admit it. You spend most of your free time wondering what your favorite Penguin will look like one day when he's old enough to do things like "drive a car", "stay up past midnight", and "grow facial hair". Well, thankfully, KDKA is looking to the future and has put ~~a drunken intern with a photoshop program~~ their hard-hitting reporters on the case:

"Growing a beard is a playoff tradition for hockey players; but it could be a problem for some of the young Penguins. With a little help from our art department, Bob Pompeani gives the Pens a look into what could be their future facial hair!"
-kdka.com

So there you go. By clicking the link above, you can see what guys like Gino Malkin, Jordan Staal, and Bob Pompeani would look like if they could grow beards. No word on what they'd look like with a top hat, eyeglasses, or devil horns, but hopefully KDKA can solve that mystery for us at some point, as well.

Also, as a side note, our Mayor is trying to grow facial hair, too. Click here and check the last part of the Post Gazette's story if you don't believe me. Maybe then they won't make him sit at the kids table at City Council meetings anymore.

At Least We Can Agree On This, Can't We?

2007-04-12T17:13:00.000-04:00

The Castration Was One Thing, But Now You've Gone Too Far

2007-04-12T15:57:00.000-04:00

Western Pennsylvania's favorite husband-castrating transsexual, Tammy Felbaum, is back in the news. Seems (s)he's been causing some hijinks in the courtroom lately:

"Felbaum was accused of spitting at a state trooper taking her to a hearing. In subsequent hearings, Felbaum wore a face mask, spit shield and shackles to avoid further disturbances."
-nbc10.com

And that's your Tammy Felbaum update! Have a great day and thanks for your time.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Start Your Mocking

2007-04-06T23:22:00.000-04:00

The Bad News: The Pirates lost to the Cincy Reds tonight, 6-1

The Good News: At least they're featured in The Onion this week (click below to read the article in all its' glory):

Pirates Player Keeps Asking Fans If They Saw His Double

HOUSTON—After an opening day double off Astros closer Brad Lidge, elated Pirates third-basemen Jose Bautista was observed repeatedly asking...

Musical Interlude: Sweep The Leg

2007-04-06T08:46:00.000-04:00

If you're like me, you've spent the last 23 years bitterly reminiscing about how lucky Daniel LaRusso got when he shamed the Cobra Kai with a well-timed Crane Kick in the All Valley Karate Tournament. Well, your redemption has finally arrived, in the form of a song by the group "No More Kings".

The music doesn't start until about 3 minutes in, but the whole thing is worth watching, especially if you're a fan of The Karate Kid and... Raising Arizona (?):

Movie Review: Disturbia

2007-04-05T16:07:00.000-04:00

Disturbia, in theaters April 13th

If you've seen the previews for the movie Disturbia, you probably noticed similarities to the Alfred Hitchcock classic Rear Window. Well, Disturbia's ok, but Rear Window it ain't.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't hate this movie. It's got decent acting and isn't without some tense moments. But it also includes a scene in which the overhead boom microphone is so visible, that it's almost hitting the actors on the head. The audience was actually laughing. (As a side note, positive audience reaction at the premiere included a guy yelling "Whoop that ass!" during the climax. Yeah, like you've never yelled that during a climax.)

If you're looking to escape with a thriller that doesn't require a lot of thought, this is your movie. I give it 2 out of 4 visible boom mics.

100% Pure Adrenaline

2007-04-05T15:47:00.000-04:00

This headline from thepittsburghchannel.com today:

"Reagan-Masked Robber Holds Up Monroeville Bank"

Well played, Swayze, well played. You may have escaped the authorities this time, but you can't hide forever. I do have to credit you, though: this was certainly cooler than conducting a "Ghost"-themed bank robbery.

You Can't Do That On Television, Bitches

2007-04-02T15:32:00.000-04:00

Has it really come to this?

"Suspected gang members opened fire on a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards after-party early Sunday, wounding three and scattering 200 mostly teenage attendees, police said."
-signonsandiego.com

Wow. This reminds me of some of the other, lesser-known kids shows scandals of the past:

Sesame Street's Luis and Cypress Hill's B-Real conducting a drive-by on the Teletubbies while yelling, "Today's show is brought to you by the numbers 1-8-7, putos!"

Mr. Rogers busting into the Children's Televison Network Christmas party and exclaiming, "Say hello to my little neighbor", who happened to be a midget with a knife

Captain Kangaroo accused of offering to "swab the poopdeck" of several female naval officers during the 1991 Tailhook scandal in Las Vegas

H.R. Pufnstuf caught trying to use Freddie the Flute as a makeshift crack pipe

Mr. McFeely attempting to flee from Chris Hanson and the Dateline NBC "Predators" team

Sleeping pills that caused Jimi Hendix's death given to him by an undisclosed member of Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem

We're Number Won

2007-04-01T10:26:00.000-04:00

Congrats to WVU for winning the N.I.T. title and congrats to the players for noticing that the company which made their t-shirts misspelled the name of the state:

The "West Virginia" printed on the shirts the players wore after winning the NIT Thursday night is missing the last "i" in "Virginia."

-kdka.com

See? Who says you can't get a decent education in West Virginia? The people with the company that printed the shirts probably realized they'd made a mistake but figured that nobody in West Virginia would catch on, since most West Virginians dropped out of school before spelling was taught.

I'm totally kidding. West Virginia is a great place filled with nice people. Did you know that it's wild and wonderful? It's true. I actually have several friends there, but I don't catch up with them often since they don't have phones and they're usually busy running moonshine.

Again, I'm just messing with the West Virginians. They rock. If you don't believe me, just check out Feedback with Steve Adams. He's an award-winning newscaster and blogger who writes things that are easily 7000 times more intelligent than anything you'll find here. Unfortunately, the average West Virginian has never read his blog because their "computers" are actually old broken microwave ovens that they found alongside the road.

Wow, this is really not coming out the way I'd hoped. Bottom line: West Virginia is a damned nice place where everyone's treated like family. Mostly because they're all related to one another. So it's like one big family reunion!

Ok, obviously, I can't stop putting my foot in my mouth here. So, I'll shut up. But you honestly should pay a visit to the beautiful state of West Virginia. Because they can't come here, since no one there has cars.

DAMMIT! WHY CAN'T I STOP??

Brian Giles Suggests You Try The Veal

2007-03-27T15:54:00.000-04:00

If the jokes he tells are any indication, Brian Giles fans may be sad to note that he seems to have lost a few brain cells between his days as a Pirate and his current status as a Padre:

"Giles returned a few seconds later, speaking slowly, like an athlete who took too many shots to the helmet. He stared into Maddux's bemused face.

“Greg, here's another one. What kind of waves are the really small ones in the ocean?”

Pause.

“Micro waves.”

Giles giggled and walked back to his dressing stall."
-San Diego Union Tribune

He's Mr. Reed Miser

2007-03-25T00:19:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it's almost too easy.

Jeff Reed screenshot blatantly stolen from Tunch and Wolf's In The Locker Room show. And if you're not familiar with the Heat Miser (or the Snow Miser), click here to get learned up, courtesy of Rankin and Bass, with music by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.

So Many Questions

2007-03-23T15:37:00.000-04:00

"These are not the unmarked bills you're looking for."

National City Bank has reported a robbery, apparently by a Jedi knight who's been seduced by the dark side of The Force. Carrying a bomb, she said she was. WTAE has the story here.

I'm always fascinated by the bank robbers and I have so many questions:

If you enter the bank and there are customers waiting, do you get in line and patiently wait for your turn? Or just bust straight up to the front of the line?
When you finally get to the teller, do you quietly tell them why you're there, so as not to draw attention to yourself? Or do you go balls out and let everybody know what's happening and increase your chance of a random person taking you down?
Getaway car: discreetly parked in the lot? Or in the fire lane for quick access?
Should you steal the pen that's chained down, too, just so they know you mean business?
What's the best threat of choice? Gun? Bomb? Knife? Taser? Telling them you have Ben Roethlisberger in an undisclosed location and you'll off him if they don't give you the dough (Pittsburgh only)?
Do you ditch your Jedi robe immediately after leaving or keep it on the whole way home?

In My Craw: Flight 93 Memorial Edition

2007-03-21T18:12:00.000-04:00

Apologies in advance for the lapse in levity in this post.

WTAE has an interesting story about the scam known as "The Flight 93 Memorial". It questions how the millions of dollars that've been raised are being spent:

"The groups building the memorial recently hired a fundraising consultant to review the work of their other fundraising consultant.Even though they've raised $10 million, they need another $20 million before they can even start construction."
-thepittsburghchannel.com

Ok, the first red flag should go up when there are consultants being hired to review consultants. Consultants should rarely be trusted, especially when they feed you lines like this:

"Add in consultant fees and other expenses, it will take $3 million to raise the $30 million needed for the memorial," said commission member John Reynolds. "That's one-tenth of the total."
-thepittsburghchannel.com

Maybe the answer is to pay attention to how the Amish handled things after last year's terrible school shooting:

"The one-room schoolhouse where 10 girls were shot last week, built by hand three decades ago by the Amish it served, was demolished by heavy machinery yesterday in the hope of easing the community’s pain."
-New York Times

Level the area and start over. No memorials. It's time to stop giving these leeches our money. This was a horrible incident that will remain in our hearts and minds forever. It's time to make our memories the memorial and use them to make sure that something like this never happens again.

No, Really?

2007-03-20T14:26:00.000-04:00

In incredibly shocking news, eleven wrestlers have been linked to a steroid distribution ring, with one local name standing out:

"Kurt Angle, a 1996 Olympic champion freestyle wrestler, allegedly received prescriptions for trenbolone and nandrolone in 2004 and 2005."
-yahoo! sports

The article goes on to say that other athletes, from the worlds of baseball and boxing, are linked as well, with more names coming next week.

Honestly, wouldn't it be more shocking to learn that these guys were completely clean? Is there anyone alive who still thinks that they got that way naturally? I mean, other than this guy:

Butt Seriously

2007-03-20T09:46:00.000-04:00

When you head to the ballpark this summer, leave your smokes at home:

"The only smoking this year inside PNC Park will come via fastballs and hot bats. Beginning Opening Day, smoking will be prohibited anywhere in the ballpark."
-postgazette.com

Other bad things that have yet to be banned at PNC Park include:

The Pirates' 783-996 record since 1996

Jose Castillo's work ethic

Flying weiners (from the Pirate Parrot's hot dog bazooka)

Overall sense of malaise after Pirates are eliminated from playoffs by May

Fire hazard caused by Nuttings belly-laughing while lighting cigars with flaming $100 bills

Not tipping Derek Bell when he plays your request on the trumpet as you cross the Clemente Bridge

Flying weiners (when Anna Benson returns to town)

Hair Apparent

2007-03-19T15:47:00.000-04:00

Look. I don't know much about the Phil Spector trial that starts today. He's a music legend, he might have killed somebody, yadda yadda. Click here if you want more info about the whole thing.

What do I know?

I know that is one. Amazing. Jewfro.

Movie Review: Shooter

2007-03-16T10:00:00.000-04:00

Caught the preview last night; this movie can be summed up with the following equation:

"The Fugitive" + "Commando" + Marky Mark - The Funky Bunch = "Shooter"

Special note to Steeler fans: the movie also features an occasionally scantily-clad (but never fully naked) Kate Mara, great-granddaughter of Art Rooney. Let's just say that the Steelers haven't produced a tight end of this quality since the great Elbie Nickel.

If that's your recipe for a good time, then, by all means, feel the vibration.

Running Scared

2007-03-15T17:46:00.000-04:00

In national news that annoys me, today it's being reported that Democratic Caucus Chairman Rahm Emanuel is instructing freshman members of Congress to avoid "The Colbert Report":

"'He said don’t do it … it’s a risk and it’s probably safer not to do it,' said Rep. Steve Cohen. But the freshman lawmaker from Tennessee taped a segment that last week was featured in the 32nd installment of the “Better Know a District” series. Colbert asked Cohen whether he was a black woman. He isn’t."
-The Hill

Apparently the powers that be became uncomfortable when a Congressman from Kentucky went on the show and got into a debate about the merits of throwing kittens into a wood-chipper. Obviously, it wasn't something to be taken seriously (and was actually pretty funny). You have to think that our own Congressman, Jason Altmire, didn't ease Emmanuel's mind much when he performed a tomahawk chop a few weeks ago, too:

So, the politicians who we elect to fight for us and help protect us are afraid of a Comedy Central show. Great.

Click here for Jason Altmire's page on Wikiality, the Truthiness Encyclopedia.

Tooth Fare

2007-03-14T15:16:00.000-04:00

Today's Post Gazette is reporting that, these days, kids are getting more dough than ever from the Tooth Fairy:

"The poll found that the overall range per tooth is 25 cents to $20 (last year's high was $25). It didn't say who's skewing the curve at the high end, but the culprit isn't necessarily Donald Trump."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

That can't be true, can it? The only person I can imagine giving her kids $25 bucks for each tooth they lost would be Angelina Jolie, since she's rich and collects little foreign kids from around the world like normal people collect shotglasses*.

*Joke courtesy of Big Ric. He actually said "like normal people collect flags of the world from Disney". Since I'm the only person left who's never been to Disney, I got frightened and confused and changed it to "shotglasses". In other words, you got two lame-ass jokes for the price of one. We passed the savings on to you!

Tuesday Video Filler

2007-03-13T10:02:00.000-04:00

Comedian Zach Galifianakis on physical comedy:

Done Deal

2007-03-13T09:20:00.000-04:00

The gust of wind you felt this morning was Pittsburgh hockey fans breathing a collected sigh of relief, as the Penguins have worked out a deal that will keep the team here for another 30 years:

"An official announcement is expected at a 5pm news conference at Mellon Arena -- just before the Pens take the ice against the Buffalo Sabres."
-KDKA

It's great news, to be sure. And now, thankfully, the local newscasts will finally be able to turn their attention toward retrospectives that focus on great moments at the Civic Arena like the Sinatra concerts, the Elvis concerts, and that one time when Jean Claude Van Damme totally kicked the shit out of Iceburgh the Penguin.

Fan Appreciation

2007-03-08T16:35:00.000-05:00

Mario and the politicians (kinda sounds like a 60's band) are meeting in Philly tonight with the fate of the Penguins hanging in the balance.

No real inside scoop for you, but if the Pens do stay in the Burgh, the Canucks have found a new spin on an old tradition that Penguin fans might want to consider: click here for the details.

Could give things a whole new meaning when Mike Lang yells, "Fleury chokes it off behind the net!"

Run Around (And Around)

2007-03-08T15:49:00.000-05:00

Blues Traveler singer and harmonica player John Popper had a little run-in with the authorities yesterday. Not only was his SUV clocked at 111 mph, but further inspection of it turned up some interesting items:

"Officers found a cache of weapons and a small amount of marijuana, the Patrol said. A police dog searched the vehicle, finding numerous hidden compartments containing four rifles, nine handguns and a switchblade knife. Authorities also found a Taser and night vision goggles."
-Access Hollywood

So, in fairness to Popper, he wasn't driving at the time but it was his vehicle. And another fun part of the story is that, when asked why his vehicle featured flashing emergency lights, a siren and a public address system, he said it was because, in the event of a natural disaster, he "didn't want to be left behind".

Either way, apparently blues is the least of what John Popper's traveling with.

Leave It To Beaver

2007-03-07T16:22:00.000-05:00

Yikes- not sure what's going on at the Beaver County Jail, but if the reports are true, it seems to be approaching "Abu Beav" conditions:

"Investigators deemed several allegations of abuse plausible, including one which left an inmate with a broken eye socket and one in which an inmate was allegedly left soaking wet outside in 22-degree weather for 45 minutes."
-examiner.com

A broken eye socket? What does that even mean?

As for the "soaking wet outside in 22 degree weather", maybe the prisoners should toughen up because that just sounds like tailgating before a late-November Steeler game.

Triple Play

2007-03-06T15:22:00.000-05:00

Lots going on in Pittsburgh sports today:

Penguins: They're licking their chops in K.C. this afternoon [Kansas City Star]

Pirates: 79 reasons why it's hard to be a Pirate Fan [Deadspin]

Steelers: If the Miami Dolphin goes missing, no need to call Ace Ventura; just check with Joey Porter's dogs [Florida Today]

You Can't Spell Monroeville Without "Evil"

2007-03-06T10:49:00.000-05:00

Thanks to M.J. for the tip on this one: On Saturday, the fine folks at Guinness recognized last fall's Monroeville Mall Walk of the Dead:

Wikipedia says there were 894 undead who participated in the record-setting gathering. Click here to head to The It's Alive Show's website for more details plus video of the Zombie Walk that took place on the South Side last fall.

As a side note, the previous record for largest crowd in a zombified state was recorded at PNC Park last August 16th, when the Milwaukee Brewers beat the Pirates, 5-2.

Power Forward

2007-03-05T15:44:00.000-05:00

KDKA's Andy Sheehan seems to be leading the way with information about the Pens' arena deal and today he snagged a copy of a letter sent from Mario and Ron Burkle to Governor Rendell, Mayor Ravenstahl, and Dan Onorato. It may just be more strong-arming from 66, but the letter says that the Penguins "will aggressively explore relocation":

"This is a disappointing but necessary conclusion, given the uncertainty that exists as we attempt to move forward." -Mario Lemieux and Ron Burkle
-KDKA

Ohhhhh, snap. I'm not sure if they used "move forward" to mock Mayor Luke or if they're just trying to speak in words that he's comfortable with, but either way, we'd better ask PittGirl if it's ok to drink.

Reaction News

2007-03-04T21:25:00.000-05:00

Channel 4 Action News (Where You Come First) is trying to get your dander up again with new quotes from Sienna Miller, talking about how she had to apologize for calling our town "Shitsburgh":

"I understand the patriotism of that city, but really I don't think it was that big a deal. I had to meet the mayor live on TV and apologize. It was huge!" said Miller. "People are dying in Iraq and where is our focus, you know what I mean?"
-thepittsburghchannel.com

Ok, stupid quote. Obviously, our annoyance at her mocking our city in a national magazine and caring about the war in Iraq are not mutually exclusive things. If someone walked into your house and pooped on your carpet, you could be upset about that while still being concerned about the war.

But keep your eye on WTAE here. They took that quote from an interview in the U.K.'s weekly newspaper The Guardian. However, WTAE neglected to include this other Sienna nugget from the same interview:

"But I don't deliberately hurt anybody. And, actually, I like Pittsburgh, I do." - Sienna Miller
-The Guardian

Now, while Sienna doesn't seem to be the brightest of bulbs (click here for her stance on drugs), shenanigans has to be called on Channel 4 for not showing that other, nicer quote.

So, don't let them or any of the other local news outlets get a rise out of you with this idiotic sensationalism. Please, for the love of God, ignore it and hopefully it'll go away.

Peezy Does It

2007-03-02T15:09:00.000-05:00

If you're in the pro Porter camp, check out today's Post Gazette article that looks back on some of Joey's best quotes, like this gem, aimed at the Seahawks' Jerramy Stevens, who made the mistake of suggesting that the Steelers might not win the Super Bowl:

"You ever see the movie 'Underworld'? I was sleeping all week, but I got my first taste of blood right here; and it is great when you haven't tasted it in a while. This week was boring until now."
-Joey Porter
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Come on. A batshit-crazy "Underworld" reference was just what the Super Bowl needed in the week leading up to the game. He's right; it was boring up until then.

As a side note, today is Ben Roethlisberger's 25th birthday. I'm not sure how he's celebrating, but if he's smart, when he blows out the candles on his cake, he'll be wishing for Joey Porter to end up somewhere outside of the AFC North.

Around The Way: Remembering 55 Edition

2007-03-01T18:18:00.000-05:00

Links to odd stories and posts from Pittsburgh and around the world:

Because you demanded it: Anthony's Pie Chart Shakedown- Part II [Tunesmith & Anthony]
Permit us this self-indulgent, introspective look back at The Peezy Era [Dorothy Mantooth]
There's a Pittsburgh Fark Party this weekend; still no cure for cancer [Fark]
Leave it to Cleveland to try to take the fun out of St. Patrick's Day [newsnet5.com]
Make your own comic strip [Make Belief Comix]

WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME

2007-03-01T14:22:00.000-05:00

It's ironic that, much like a major disaster narrowly averted in the Fox series "24", Comcast and Sinclair have come to a last minute agreement that will allow the Fox network to stay on, at least for a few more days, here in Pittsburgh:

"Comcast Corp. and Sinclair Broadcast Group Inc., owner of local Fox affiliate WPGH-Channel 53, today extended an agreement that allows the cable company to retransmit WPGH and its Fox programs, including "American Idol" and "24," for 10 more days."
-Pittsburgh Tribune Review

As I understand it, Sinclair wants Comcast to pay to re-transmit its' free, over-the-air signal. Choosing who I want to win this fight is like being in prison and and having to pick which of my cellmates I'd like to have rape me. Can't we all just get along?

So, if you're a fan of American Idol, the good news is that the show will still air tonight. And thank God, because if it didn't...

Pirates Baseball: We Will Come Hungry, So Catch It!

2007-02-28T15:45:00.000-05:00

A sense of hope fills the air this week in Western Pennsylvania, as our beloved Pittsburgh Pirates get set to take to the field tomorrow for their first spring training game. It's always a time of unbridled optimism; the Buccos will be able to play for at least six to eight more weeks without the cloud of mathematical elimination looming overhead.

It's also when we're first exposed to the Pirates marketing plan, specifically their slogan. The buzz is that the wizards who came up with "Come Hungry" will be implimenting "We Will" again this year, since that worked so well last year and no one added their own, mocking ending to it.

Just in case they decide not to go with "We Will", here are a few other options; feel free to vote for your favorite:

Things Not To Do On A Thursday Night

2007-02-27T16:06:00.000-05:00

In case you missed it last week, Franklin Township checked in with a solid contender for Criminal of the Month:

"Police said around 11:30 p.m. Thursday, Houk pulled into the police station parking lot and asked for help changing a flat tire. Police said the tire had been torn from the rim and the side mirror was crushed.
Police said Houk became verbally combative when they asked him to take a field sobriety test, and once placed under arrest, Houk hit an officer in the face, then put his head down and charged at the officers, knocking them to the ground. Police said they used a stun gun to subdue Houk.
Houk had a blood-alcohol content of 0.18 percent, police said."
- timesonline.com

It's really difficult to choose which part of this scenario is the most awesome:

The fact that he pulled into a police station while drunk? Maybe.

The fact that the cops got all tasery on him? Possibly.

However, for my money, the best part is that the moron "put his head down and charged at the officers, knocking them to the ground", a technique made famous by Bald Bull in the "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out" video game. That's just old-school stupid.

Costly Card

2007-02-27T15:11:00.000-05:00

If you're a baseball card collector and you recently sensed a disturbance in the force, as if millions of dollars were suddenly paid for a small piece of cardboard, here's why:

"The 'Holy Grail of baseball cards,' the famous 1909 Honus Wagner tobacco card once owned by hockey great Wayne Gretzky, has sold for a record-setting $2,350,000, the seller of the card said Monday."
-startribune.com

The buyer is remaining anonymous, presumably because his wife would would stomp his ass. That being said, there are about 60 of these cards, featuring the Pirates' shortstop, in existence, but this one's the most well preserved.

The moral of the story? You never know what the crap in your attic or basement might be worth someday. So, take good care of that card featuring 1997 Pirates' shortstop Kevin Polcovich, kids! (It's apparently so rare that I couldn't even find a picture of it!)

Stone Cold

2007-02-26T08:27:00.000-05:00

This weekend, all the buzz in the entertainment industry was about the Oscars, but the real stars shined (or fell, depending on your perspective) at the Razzy Awards on Saturday, where Meadville, PA's own Sharon Stone ruled the night:

"'Instinct 2' -- known to Razzie organizers as "Basically, It Stinks, Too" -- won four awards overall, including worst screenplay, worst prequel or sequel and worst actress for Stone, who was mocked for her poorly presented physical assets as well as her performance."

-CNN.com

The saddest news from the story is that Sharon's movie actually did worse than the Wayans Brothers' "Little Man". Once you get to the point where people are saying that Wayans Brothers movies are better than yours, it's probably time to try another, more decent and honorable line of work. Like cleaning poop at the circus or managing Ryan Seacrest.

Around The Way: Pissed Off Chimp Edition

2007-02-22T16:04:00.000-05:00

Links to odd stories and posts from Pittsburgh and around the world:

Questions to think about before tying the knot, Part Deux. [Tunesmith & Anthony]
Because it's Thursday: Britney Spears wearing ball-hugger shorts, beating the crap out of a car with an umbrella. [The Superficial]
Forget Britney, maybe monkey spears should be our main concern. [BBC News]
KFC is aiming for a "higher power" to promote its' new menu item. [msnbc]
Not sure if we'll be able to count on Bruce Willis for this one. [The Goosepath]

Let's Start The Healing

2007-02-22T08:52:00.000-05:00

Here at Dorothy Mantooth, the last thing we want to do is write about Anna Nicole Smith. However, we believe that we have something potentially important to add to the debate that could put the ugly court battles to rest. To find the true identity of Dannie Lynn's father, there's only one person to call on:

Maury Povich.

Think about it. Whether he's sending our out of control kids to boot camp, employing the sleeveless Dee West to empower our abused wives or curing us of our long-standing fear of mustard and pickles, surely we can all agree that Maury is America's Healer.

But it's his prowess as paternity tester that we, as a nation, desperately need right now:

So, we're begging you, Maury: go to that courthouse. Cue up "I Like The Way You Move" by Outkast or "Come On Ride The Train" by Quad City DJ's and tell us who the baby daddy is.

Only after the music has stopped and Larry Birkhead has finished popping and locking, will we finally be able to heal and get back to focusing on the real issues facing this country. Like Britney Spears' mental health.

Help us, Maury Povich. You're our only hope.

Movie Review: "The Number 23"

2007-02-20T23:01:00.000-05:00

About midway through the premiere of the new thriller "The Number 23", starring Jim Carrey, I realized that the phrase "This movie is extremely bad" contains 23 letters.

Coincidence? I think not.

This Internet Has Everything

2007-02-19T15:24:00.000-05:00

If you're a collector of vintage menswear worn by Pittsburgh newscasters from days gone by, you've come to the right blog. No doubt you'll appreciate this item currently up for bid on eBay:

That's right, it's a dress shirt worn by KDKA's legendary news anchor Bill Burns. Now's the time to get onboard, as the bidding sits at $14.50.

As a side note, intensive searches for Mike Boguslawski's pants have yielded no results, but we'll keep you posted.

Springsteen Is Still The Man

2007-02-16T08:22:00.000-05:00

The story goes that Bruce Springsteen had just arrived in Denmark. His tour had him winding through Oslo, Norway and he was scheduled to perform a couple of nights later in Copenhagen.

As he was walking by himself, exploring the streets of Copenhagen, Bruce happened upon a street musician named Jon Magnusson and the two of them treated a small (but appreciative and growing) crowd to an impromptu performance of The River:

Broadcast Nudes

2007-02-15T17:41:00.000-05:00

The glory that is "sweeps week" is upon us and that means we get two things from our local newscasts:

1. Stories about sex
2. Stories about Steelers who are having sex

WTAE is in the lead so far with a story focusing on morning anchor Kelly Frey taking "pole dancing" classes:

"Moves like the ballerina, the pretzel and the backward bend will make you sweat."

The upside, of course, is that at least they didn't assign Jim Parsons to this story.

Dim the lights and watch WTAE's subtley titled "Kelly Frey's On The Pole" video by clicking here.

The second piece, which you'll find here, was apparently written by one of the interns who's been killing time surfing the internet:

"Several Web sites are linking Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger with Canadian model and actress Missy Peregrym."

The story goes on to tell us that she's most recently been hired to appear on the show "Heroes".

All we ask is that you keep an eye on him, Missy. Keep him away from the motorcycles and anything that might damage his internal organs.

Save the quarterback, save the team, babe.

Love Is In The Air

2007-02-14T08:16:00.000-05:00

I believe it was the 17th century Japanese poet Basho who once said:

"Love is like oxygen/ you get too much you get too high/ not enough and you're gonna die/ love gets you high"*

So, in that spirit, we here at Dorothy Mantooth wish you the happiest and most successful of Valentine's Days, whether that means finding your one true soul mate, getting a quickie with Sidney Crosby after tonight's Pens-Blackhawks game or avoiding the authorities after setting fire to the house of the person who ripped your heart out.

And, as our Valentine to you, please accept this quiz to find out what your sexy Brazilian name is (and, of course, feel free to share it with us in the comments section):

Your Sexy Brazilian Name is:

Marcello Mendes

What's Your Sexy Brazilian Name?

* Some historians claim that it was not Basho, but 70's glam-rockers "Sweet" who penned those famous words, but I think we can all agree that both employed thoughtful lyrics and tightly compressed high-pitched backing vocal harmonies, can't we?
-Marcello

Dude, KDKA Has Your Back

2007-02-13T18:02:00.000-05:00

As the local TV stations continue to suckle every last drop of milk from Mother Nature's wintry teat, KDKA has found the angle that allows them to tie the bad weather to Valentine's Day:

"One can't help but wonder, with these adverse weather conditions, will it make it all the more difficult for Valentine's Day deliveries. Preparing for the wicked weather conditions is only half the battle."
-KDKA.com

Great. Not only do they want us to believe that we're going to die at the hands of "the worst snowstorm of the season", but now they're harshing our mellow with the news that the over-priced flowers and mylar balloons we've ordered may not make it to our loved ones in time for Valentine's Day.

On the otherrrr hannnnd...

If you forgot Valentine's Day, you can just print the story and show it to your signifigant other, while grumbling incoherently about the "stupid weather".

Thanks, KD!

Stay Classy, House Of Representatives!

2007-02-09T17:37:00.000-05:00

There's an old saying on the floor of the House: "You can pick your seat, just don't pick your nose. And eat the boogers."

For further proof that the people running our government are more like a bunch of fourth-graders than we'd like to admit, click on the video below and watch the gentleman in the background on the right:

Although it hasn't been confirmed, the general consensus is that the guy digging for gold and then eating his boogers is not "Spalding" from Caddyshack, but Ohio's 1st District congressman Steve Chabot.

God Bless America and have a great weekend!

**UPDATE**
It now appears that secret government agents have made the above video disappear, just as they did with the Area 51 aliens, Bigfoot, and Britney Spears' underpants. Or, it could have been C-Span's lawyers that had the clip removed. Either way, it takes more than that to quell the tenacity of nerds on the internet. You can still see the footage here.

¡Las vidas de la revolución del booger!

Around The Way: Be Careful Head Edition

2007-02-08T16:01:00.000-05:00

Links to odd stories and posts from around the internets:

The best videogame ever, if you're into obnoxious blowhards with clown-orange combovers. [The Last Boss]
Safeguard yourself from fire, theft, robbery, and dishonest trick; translation problems with Chinese signs. [pbase.com]
If you want to flip off a cop in Pittsburgh, keep the ACLU's number handy. [WTAE]
Cancel your weekend plans; here's a webcam that allows you to watch cheese age. [CheddarVision]
John Mayer: Musician, Peanut Butter Enthusiast. [John Mayer's Blog]

Who Knew Salt Truck Drivers Lead Such Exciting Lives?

2007-02-07T16:15:00.000-05:00

According to KDKA, life can get pretty hectic for the people who keep our roads clean in the winter:

"The salt truck driver put his truck into gear and drove for more than a mile as he was being chased by the shooters."
-kdka.com

Wow. Tough day at the office.

Thankfully the driver is ok, but you've got to think that he'll just be an insufferable prick at work from now on:

Driver 1: Hey, what's up Frank?

Driver 2: Man, tough run today.

Driver 1: Really? What happened?

Driver 2: Oh, jeez. The roads are just terrible. The snow keeps coming down, I could hardly see, people around me are driving like a-holes, and you know how the salt trucks handle; I almost went off the road three times.

Driver 1: Wow. Yeah, that reminds me of the time I WAS BEING CHASED FOR MORE THAN A MILE BY PEOPLE WHO WERE SHOOTING AT THE WOUNDED GUY HANGING FROM MY SIDE-VIEW MIRROR.

(awkward silence)

Driver 2: Yeah, I forg-

Driver 1: SHUT THE F--K UP!

Hey, Morons, Leave The Chin Alone

2007-02-07T16:00:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been all of about 30 days since we've seen him, so last night's "Catching Up With Bill Cowher" story on WPXI obviously makes perfect sense. Something tells me we're gonna see one of these every... oh, I dunno... sweeps week, maybe?

In other news, people who film videos like the one below might be the reason The Chin threw in the terrible towel in the first place:

What should the Pirates' 2007 slogan be?
	Pirates Baseball: After hockey, what else are you gonna watch, the Xplosion?
	Pirates Baseball: Like watching a monkey try to f--k a football
	Pirates Fever: It's better than Hepititis A
	Pirates Baseball: Yeah, like you could do better, fatty

pollcode.com free polls