Don't Be A Halloweiner

Ahh, October. Here we are in the first week and it's hard not to be introspective, isn't it? The chill in the air, football on tv, Christmas decorations in the stores; it truly is a magical time.

And when you were a kid, this was when you needed to buckle down and figure out what you were going to be for Halloween. It wasn't a decision to be taken lightly. One year, I waited too long to decide and my mother ended up assembling some sort of outfit that amounted to me wearing a sport coat and a hat.

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

Other kids were dressed as Batman and Darth Vader and I wanted to kick my own ass.

So, let me be a cautionary tale. Work it out now, before the stores sell out. Or you could end up with one of these:

Scott Baio: In the future, scholars and film afficianados will debate when Scott Baio's finest work took place. While I, personally, would suggest that the Zapped! period was his pre-eminent, this costume reflects his work on Joanie Loves Chachi. First of all, can you go as Chachi without a Joanie to accompany you? Good luck finding a girl who wants to spend Halloween dressed as Erin Moran. Solution: Combine the mask on this one with the body from a wolf suit and call yourself Baio Wolf.

Asteroids: This one really hurts my brain. It's based on a video game about a space ship that does nothin' but bust up rocks. And with this costume, you don't even get to be the space ship. You're the freakin' dumb rock. Solution: There is none. Make sure you take a rape whistle with you, because the odds of you making it back home without being violently beaten are slim.


Jimmy Osmond: Now, if I had to choose a famous sibling costume, of course it would be Frank Stallone, but this gem will allow you to step into the persona of one of the lesser known Osmonds. And probably the wimpiest. Which, actually, has never been scientifically determined, but if you try to tell me that Wayne Osmond wouldn't have kicked all of their asses, I will fight you. That being said, this is possibly the worst Halloween costume ever. Solution: Suicide. Seriously, if things have gotten to this point in your life, it's for the best.