The Ball's In Your Court, Mr. Roethlisberger

Obviously, with this morning's "suicide attempt", Terrell Owens is showing up Big Ben in the "off-the-field drama" department. We need the national attention back where it should be. On the problems of our beloved quarterback.

Some tips for Ben on getting back into harm's way, causing controversy, and helping football fans refocus on him:

• Drive up to Amish country; jam throwing arm into a wheat thresher

• Try to spay Joey Porter's dogs while wearing hat made of meat

• Sneak up behind Polamalu with scissors; snip like the wind; run like hell

• Step between Casey Hampton and a biscuit

• Photoshop Cowher's daughters' heads onto Hustler models; print; hang on locker