Buyer Beware

Like clockwork, it's that time of year when I, like most guys, come out of my mental haze and figure out that I should start thinking about buying Christmas presents. And every year it gets harder. I don't know what to buy anyone anymore.

But I do know what not to buy:

A Bow Tie

A great aunt once gave me a bow tie for Christmas when I was a kid. I guess it was sort of a crossroads for me; had I embraced it, I could have ended up a total choad, like Tucker Carlson. I actually remember thinking, "What could possibly make her believe that I would ever wear a bow tie???" Like I needed another reason to be chased home after school. As a side note, even Tucker Carlson has abandoned the bow tie (of course, only after having his smug ass handed to him by Jon Stewart).

The Dora The Explorer Aquapet:

Look. Just... don't.
And yes, this is real.
(Might actually make a good gift for Tucker, now that I think about it.)


A "2-Bigg MC" cassette tape

A friend gave this to me for Christmas when we were in Junior High School and, while I'm sure that M.C. Hammer's... umm... M.C. has many done many good things in his life, this is not one of them. And now that I think about it, why did M.C. Hammer need another M.C. around? I mean, most parties require a maximum of one M.C., I would assume, right? Maybe he would just take over when Hammer was on a smoke break or trying to hurt 'em. What were we talking about again?

Permanent Markers
'nuff said.