Power To The People (Or How We Got Our NFL Network Back)

If you're a frequent reader of this blog, you know how crushed we were to find out that Comcast had taken away our NFL Network and was holding it hostage for more money. Where else could we find a neckless Jamie Dukes stuffed into a suit like a fresh sausage in its casing? How would we know which of the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders could perform a Herkie Jump well enough to make the squad? If not from Rich Eisen, where would we get our daily dose of snark?

After hours of lying in the fetal position, naked, in an empty bathtub, we decided it was time to take action. And take action we did. Here, now, are The Mantooth's tips for getting the NFL Network back at no extra cost:

1. Stay calm. Find your inner chi. You'll need patience and a cool head when dealing with the evil Comcast. Getting them to give you the NFL Network back may take a couple of days. But isn't seeing Deion Sanders in a Tom Landry hat worth it?

2. Make the call. 1-800-comcast. After cycling through quite a few voice prompts, you'll finally get to a human being.

3. Be firm but polite. The people you're talking to aren't personally responsible. They're just misguided stormtroopers on the Comcast Death Star. Express your displeasure that you're losing channels but still being charged the same rate.

4. Expect resistance. Expect to get the sales speech, telling you that for 6 extra bucks a month you'll not only get the NFL Network, but an entire sports package, featuring tennis and basketball! Stand your ground and let them know that you're not the type of pretentious a-hole who watches tennis on TV. But in a nice way.

5. The kid we talked to said that Comcast had planned to charge for the NFL Network all along and finally just got around to it. He phrased it as if we'd been lucky to have been getting the channel "for free" over these last couple of years. Which is bunk, but stay cool. Remain firm and you'll get passed on to the next level.

6. Remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint. Getting to the next level may take some time. After sitting on hold and listening to muzak for several minutes, a lady answered and asked what we were calling in regards to. We told her and she asked if someone could call us back, since they were experiencing a high call volume. Fine, we said. We looked forward to the call. The call came about 18 hours later and again came with resistance.

7. Play your big card. Politely explain that you're so disappointed over this that you're seriously considering dropping your service. If you have internet or phone service with the evil Comcast, don't forget to mention those, as well. Tell them that the competition is getting fierce and you're considering giving Dish Network or DirecTV a try. This seemed to genuinely shock the guy we talked with.

8. Get ready for them to blink. This is when the fellow we spoke with broke and offered us the NFL Network for free until the end of the year. Accept.

9. Sit down in front of your TV and enjoy the boyish charm and enthusiasm of Fran Charles.

10.Later, quietly ask yourself why you went through all that just so you could see continuous reports on what a douchebag Chris Henry Pacman Jones Tank Johnson Michael Vick is.