Yes, We Are Indeed Ready For Some Football

What better way to honor tonight's start of the 2007 NFL season than a "Terry Tate: Office Linebacker" video:

Miller Time

Update on a former Steeler and our favorite member of the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame: punter Josh Miller was released by the Patriots last week and he made some interesting comments on his way out the door:

“It was a great time. Before I got here, I never realized that coaches actually won games. Now I know I probably should have won more at the other teams I played for.”
-The Boston Herald

So, a little slap at Bill Cowher? Seems understandable, considering how Cowher would gently reprimand him on the sidelines when Josh would shank the rare punt for the Steelers. And by "gently reprimand him", of course, I mean "scream in his face". But that's what endeared him to Steeler fans; who among us couldn't relate to being yelled at by our jerk-off boss?

Through it all, though, Josh remained undaunted and loyal. Even to the point of actually giving his son Caleb the middle name "Steele", which, we now know, is certainly better than giving him the middle name "McBeam".

Thanks for the good memories, Josh. We wish you the best and continued success. You'll always be number 4 to us.

Here We Go Stealers

With football season closing in, Pittsburgh sports-related crimes seem to be all the rage:

• The guy who pretended to be Jerame Tuman, Ben Roethlisberger, and Brian St. Pierre has been sentenced. Word of warning: if a Steeler tries to bum $3,200 off of you, he might be an imposter. Unless it's St. Pierre, who probably could use the money and/or work mowing your lawn.

• The Smoking Gun is doing God's work, featuring photos of people who had their mugshots taken while wearing their favorite team jerseys. The handsome and alert gentleman pictured above is Pittsburgh's proud representation. Click here for the crimey-goodness.

• Much like The Beastie Boys, circa 1986, the Penguins Jordan Staal (and his brother Eric) are fighting for their right to party. Now if they could just stop their mom from throwing away their best porno mags.
  

Power To The People (Or How We Got Our NFL Network Back)

If you're a frequent reader of this blog, you know how crushed we were to find out that Comcast had taken away our NFL Network and was holding it hostage for more money. Where else could we find a neckless Jamie Dukes stuffed into a suit like a fresh sausage in its casing? How would we know which of the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders could perform a Herkie Jump well enough to make the squad? If not from Rich Eisen, where would we get our daily dose of snark?

After hours of lying in the fetal position, naked, in an empty bathtub, we decided it was time to take action. And take action we did. Here, now, are The Mantooth's tips for getting the NFL Network back at no extra cost:

1. Stay calm. Find your inner chi. You'll need patience and a cool head when dealing with the evil Comcast. Getting them to give you the NFL Network back may take a couple of days. But isn't seeing Deion Sanders in a Tom Landry hat worth it?

2. Make the call. 1-800-comcast. After cycling through quite a few voice prompts, you'll finally get to a human being.

3. Be firm but polite. The people you're talking to aren't personally responsible. They're just misguided stormtroopers on the Comcast Death Star. Express your displeasure that you're losing channels but still being charged the same rate.

4. Expect resistance. Expect to get the sales speech, telling you that for 6 extra bucks a month you'll not only get the NFL Network, but an entire sports package, featuring tennis and basketball! Stand your ground and let them know that you're not the type of pretentious a-hole who watches tennis on TV. But in a nice way.

5. The kid we talked to said that Comcast had planned to charge for the NFL Network all along and finally just got around to it. He phrased it as if we'd been lucky to have been getting the channel "for free" over these last couple of years. Which is bunk, but stay cool. Remain firm and you'll get passed on to the next level.

6. Remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint. Getting to the next level may take some time. After sitting on hold and listening to muzak for several minutes, a lady answered and asked what we were calling in regards to. We told her and she asked if someone could call us back, since they were experiencing a high call volume. Fine, we said. We looked forward to the call. The call came about 18 hours later and again came with resistance.

7. Play your big card. Politely explain that you're so disappointed over this that you're seriously considering dropping your service. If you have internet or phone service with the evil Comcast, don't forget to mention those, as well. Tell them that the competition is getting fierce and you're considering giving Dish Network or DirecTV a try. This seemed to genuinely shock the guy we talked with.

8. Get ready for them to blink. This is when the fellow we spoke with broke and offered us the NFL Network for free until the end of the year. Accept.

9. Sit down in front of your TV and enjoy the boyish charm and enthusiasm of Fran Charles.

10.Later, quietly ask yourself why you went through all that just so you could see continuous reports on what a douchebag Chris Henry Pacman Jones Tank Johnson Michael Vick is.

The Cable Guy Hates You

Those crazy folks at Comcast have figured a way to sneak a few more bucks out of your pocket. Namely, by charging extra for the NFL Network:

"Beginning this week, Comcast is moving the NFL Network into its sports entertainment tier, meaning those of you who want to see it will have to pay an extra $7 a month to purchase the entire package."
-The Pittsburgh Channel

Here's an idea, Comcast. How about you let us get rid of the 50 plus channels that we never watch but need to have in order to get digital cable and we'll keep our NFL Network. Really. For starters, we don't want your plethora of shopping channels, your religious channels, your golf network, or your dumbass E! Entertainment Channel. We bet we could come up with a few more, too. Keep all of those and just give us our NFL Network.

Deal?

Didn't think so.

Remember when companies used to work to earn your money instead of working to find new ways to take your money?

Joey Porter Almost Wishes You'd Disrespect Him

Remember Joey Porter, that loveable sociopath who used to be the core of the Steeler defense and who had killer dogs before having killer dogs was cool? Well, even though he's a Miami Dolphin now, Joey's looking to the future and preparing for a career behind the microphone by attending the NFL's "Broadcast Bootcamp", where players are taught how to analyze the game. CBS's James Brown ran the players through some potentially awkward situations:

"Brown led each player into a discussion of Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter, who was involved in a fight in Las Vegas this off-season and swept into the N.F.L. commissioner’s new personal-conduct counseling program. It made for fascinating backstage theater, since Porter was standing in the control room. No one blasted Porter, but it struck a common theme of the sessions — how to criticize a player, especially a former teammate or current friend."
-The New York Times

So, in a shocking revelation, people in the same room as Joey Porter tend to shy away from criticizing Joey Porter. Who would have guessed?

As a post-script, if there's a God, eventually Joey will end up working in the Monday Night Football booth, where he'll respond to ribbing from his coworkers by ripping out and eating Tony Kornheiser's spleen during a game.

Protect The Twinkie

In honor of this weekend's NFL Draft:

Peezy Does It

If you're in the pro Porter camp, check out today's Post Gazette article that looks back on some of Joey's best quotes, like this gem, aimed at the Seahawks' Jerramy Stevens, who made the mistake of suggesting that the Steelers might not win the Super Bowl:

"You ever see the movie 'Underworld'? I was sleeping all week, but I got my first taste of blood right here; and it is great when you haven't tasted it in a while. This week was boring until now."
-Joey Porter
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Come on. A batshit-crazy "Underworld" reference was just what the Super Bowl needed in the week leading up to the game. He's right; it was boring up until then.

As a side note, today is Ben Roethlisberger's 25th birthday. I'm not sure how he's celebrating, but if he's smart, when he blows out the candles on his cake, he'll be wishing for Joey Porter to end up somewhere outside of the AFC North.

Friday Football Profile: Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Warm and Fuzzy Edition)

The pattern which seems to have emerged is the following:

1. On Friday, I mock the Steelers' upcoming opponent.

2. On Sunday, the aforementioned opponent takes the Steelers out back, behind the woodshed, and kicks them square in the nuts. Repeatedly.

So, this week, we'll try a different approach. Reverse psychology, if you will.


Here are just some of the many great things about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers!

• Their current quarterback, Bruce Gradkolozswesczowski, is from Pittsburgh! So, even if we lose, we still win! Unfortunately, he must not be that important to the Buccaneers, since they haven't bothered to put his picture on their website. But, I mean, he's only their starting quarterback, so it's no big deal.

• Jon Gruden, the Buccaneers' head coach, is often compared with horror fan favorite, Chucky the killer doll! And much like Coach Cowher of previous seasons, if things don't go Gruden's way, he'll give you the frowning of a lifetime.
  

• At cornerback, you'll find Tiki Barber! Or Ronde Barber. Wait. Sean Alexander? It gets a little confusing, but I'm pretty sure he's the guy who likes to go on and on about his success while driving a Cadillac in those commercials. Whoever he is, I'm sure the Steelers are in for some spirited trash talking!

• They have cheerleaders! The Tampa Bay... Buccarettes... or something like that! Although they don't travel with the team, feel free to print out the picture to your right and throw a beer at it when the Buccaneers score for the fifth time this Sunday. Or do whatever you want to it. What you do in the privacy of your own home is your business, perv. Just leave me out of it and aim for the sweet spot between the chestal region and the chin. Good times!

Ahoy, matey, and enjoy the game.

Can't Fight This Feeling

Very... warm... in... office...

Want to... make fun of... Browns...

Can't... find... energy...

z-z-z-z-z-z

Friday Football Profile: Cleveland Browns

Part of a continuing series designed to help you learn more about the Steelers' upcoming opponents. In the words of Michael Corleone, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

Ok, I admit it. Back in the day of Bernie Kosar, I liked the Browns.

For those who don't remember, Bernie was an awkward, gangly, sloppy-looking guy who couldn't run and threw the ball with a weird, side-armed kind of a toss. Let's just say I could relate.

But you had to have some respect for the Browns back then-at least a little- because they got the job done. At least up until the point when they would implode at the hands of John Elway and the Denver Broncos, one game before the Super Bowl. Which happened every year from the mid-to late 80s.

Soon, though, things changed. Art Modell ripped the team from Cleveland and transplanted it to Baltimore. The Browns were no more.

But a few years later, like the kid in "Pet Sematary", the Browns came back from the dead. Also like the kid in "Pet Sematary", the resurrected Browns came back slow, dumb, and stinky. And have been ever since.

So there's not much respect anymore for these things that call themselves "Browns". Hell, I don't think anyone even knows who plays for the Browns these days. Charlie Whatzisface at Quarterback? Braywell Somethingorother at Wide Receiver? Who knows. I don't have the time or the patience to research it. And one can only guess what it must feel like to be a true Browns fan these days.

Now, don't get me wrong. A game played in Cleveland can still be entertaining. For example, occasionally, fans will run onto the field and get leveled by James Harrison. And I think we can all agree that you just can't put a price tag on something like that.

So, enjoy the game and stay off the field.

Or better yet, go for it...

Was It Good For You?

"Winning remind me of sexytime! High fiiive!"

See? It happens to every team occasionally.

Although it was a struggle at times, the Steelers let go of the self-doubt and accepted that the problem was all in their heads. They relaxed, put their Willie up against the Saints' Bush and let nature take its' course.

Elsewhere, hopefully the Penguins were paying attention and can get off the schneid by putting their puck in the crease tonight.

Ok, I've officially creeped myself out.

And It Continues

On this coming Monday night's newscast, WTAE will feature a story on the "Fitness Secrets of the Steelers' Wives". Needless to say, I can't wait for this hard-hitting journalistic piece to hit the airwaves, so in anticipation, I've composed some haikus:


Steelers' wives in shape,
Free weights and machines, I'd guess
But what of their hair?


Women working out,
Steeler spouses staying fit
Get here fast, Monday


Steelers' other halves
always work out and eat right
Porter's dogs eat horse

Because You Needed To Know

WTAE has finally asked the question that, obviously, is on everyone's mind: What do Jerome Bettis' parents think of the Steelers' problems?

"I told you what I think: they need the Bus," said Gladys. "They need the Bus."
-thepittsburghchannel.com

Look, Channel 4. We Pittsburghers don't want to seem ingrateful or unappreciative, but this just isn't gonna cut it. We deserve to have you ask the tough questions.

IN WHAT SECRET SALON DO JOHN AND GLADYS BETTIS GET THEIR HAIR CUT??!?

Friday Football Profile: New Orleans Saints

Part of a continuing series designed to help you learn more about the Steelers' upcoming opponents. In the words of Michael Corleone, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

Remember the movie The Usual Suspects? The ending was great: Chazz Palmintieri as the detective, standing in his office trying to figure out who the mysterious Keyser Soze is, when, all of a sudden, the pieces start falling into place. As he realizes it’s a gimpy Kevin Spacey, we see the club-footed Spacey hobbling down the street, gradually straightening out his leg, and finally walking normally. It’s a shocker; Spacey’s not who we thought he was all along.


This also describes the 2006 Chocolate City Saints, who are just full of surprises. They managed to straighten out their club foot and have shocked everybody by earning a mid-season, first place record of 6 and 2. And in the wide receiver position, you’ll find their Keyser Soze.


While fans and pundits have been making non-stop, sweet, verbal man-love to rookie running back Reggie Bush, rookie wide receiver Marques Colston (a 7th round, 252nd overall draft pick) has quietly shambled his way into Rookie of the Year contention. Hopefully, whichever un-demoted Steelers cornerback is covering him on Sunday will figure this out before Colston has left Heinz Field and climbed into a cab.

Another player to be wary of, of course, is the Saints' QB, Drew Brees. Despite having a name that sounds like it belongs to the manager of a Pier 1, Brees was honored as last week’s NFC Offensive Player of the Week. The good news for the Steelers is that Brees may lose focus on the game, distracted by thoughts of his psychotic mother, whom he recently threatened to sue for using his image in a political ad. If there’s a God, Joey Porter will be wearing a microphone and will try to find a way to incorporate this into his trash talking.

And finally, there’s the Saints’ veteran wide receiver, Joe Horn, who was thrust into the national spotlight a few years ago for a touchdown celebration that had him pulling a cell phone out of the goal post padding to mime a celebratory phone call to his mom. Needless to say, the crotchety old white guys in suits that run the NFL were none too happy and Horn had to cancel the following week’s TD celebration, in which he planned to wheel a small computer desk and chair out into the end zone and then pantomime writing a celebratory e-mail to his cousin June Bug, on his father’s side.

Enjoy the game and sorry if I ruined the movie for you.
(You really should have seen it by now.)

Friday Football Profile: Denver Broncos

Part of a continuing series designed to help you learn more about the Steelers' upcoming opponents. In the words of Michael Corleone, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

The Las Vegas oddsmakers can tell you a lot about the Denver Broncos. Locked in a first place tie with the Chargers in the AFC West, the Broncs have earned a record of 5-2, the mirror image of the Steelers' 2-5 standing. And yet, Denver is somehow a 2.5 point underdog coming into Sunday's game at Heinz Field. Let's see if we can figure out why:

First, since the Steelers have become known for their trick or "gadget" plays, I don't think the gamblers want to rule out the possibilty of Coach Cowher putting Joey Porter's dogs in the game for at least a play or two. It probably would catch the Broncos off-guard and really, what could it hurt at this point?

Secondly, Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer has been known to bear a striking resemblance to Chris Robinson from the Black Crowes and, often times plays like you'd expect Chris Robinson would if you suited him up. While in a cocaine-induced haze. Which he pretty much always is.

Thirdly, if you do a Google image search for "Denver Broncos fan", here's the picture that comes up: I'm not sure that a photo of a some dude getting ready to whip out his rocky mountain oysters had any bearing on the line for Sunday's game, but I will tell you this: it scared me. And since I don't like to be afraid alone, I decided to bring you into my world. Please accept my apologies.

Giddyup and enjoy the game.

Where Split Ends Aren't Allowed And Clipping Is Encouraged

Ahhh, sweeps week. The time of the year when the TV networks desperately try to grab your attention with unusual and, sometimes, controversial programming.

Here in Pittsburgh, sweeps week always equals the 3 local "newscasts" trying to somehow fit the Steelers into their "news". Steelers, Steelers, and Steelers. Or anything that even remotely involves a Steeler. Or kind of sounds like the word "Steelers". In other words, they assume that all of their viewers are sitting in front of the TV, dressed like the guy shown in the picture.

For example, last night on WTAE, Sally Wiggin did a powerful and insightful story on the beauty salon owned by Steelers' DB Mike Logan. Not to be outdone, WPXI will have a story tonight about the "secret" salon where the Steelers get their hair cut.

Now, I'm as big of a football fan as the next guy... but come on.

Where do they get their pedicures done??!?!

You've gotta dig deeper, Pittsburgh News Broadcasters.

You're better than this.

Day Of The Dead

One of the undead chasing a citizen of Oakland, CA

Not sure if you caught this on the news, but zombies were sighted on the west coast yesterday afternoon.

The undead were first noticed around 4:30pm yesterday in Oakland, California, when locals sighted the creatures dressed in black and gold slowly stumbling and shambling about with confused, disoriented looks on their faces.

An elite tactical squad (codename "Raiders") was sent in to neutralize the infestation and quickly contained the problem when they found that the walking dead were ultimately harmless and that the lead zombie could be easily stopped with a shot to the head.

The only Oakland casualty seems to be a resident named Al Davis, who was last seen shuffling around slack-jawed with a blank, non-emotive stare, even as those around him celebrated the defeat of the living dead.

When asked to comment, Davis said, "Braaaaaiiinnnnnss."

Friday Football Profile: Oakland Raiders

Part of a continuing series designed to help you learn more about the Steelers' upcoming opponents. In the words of Michael Corleone, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

When it comes to the Oakland Raiders, we first need to talk about Al Davis. Davis was named the coach of the team in 1963 and by 1966, he was one of the owners of the Oakland Raiders and remains so to this day. It’s also important to note that, somewhere along the way, Al Davis went bat shit crazy. Or maybe he was all along, we can’t be certain. What we do know is that he and Kim Jong Il apparently employ the same stylist.

To say the Raiders have issues in 2006 is an understatement. That would be like saying Jeffrey Dahmer had a slight character flaw or two.

Jerry Porter, one of Oakland’s wide receivers, has been suspended for four games because he criticized the team and, earlier this season, reportedly laughed and cheered with every other football fan when Raiders quarterback Aaron Brooks was sacked for the four hundredth time in a game against the oh-so-classy San Diego Chargers.

Following that, the noodle-armed Brooks was out by week 2 and replaced at quarterback by somebody named Andrew Walter, after the Raiders were unable to acquire the Diet Pepsi Machine. Little known fact: the Raiders’ third-string quarterback is actually a blind, 3-legged donkey with arthritis.

Randy Moss, the Raiders’ other star receiver, has expressed a willingness to be traded, and could be seen on TV saying “Fuck Andrew” after Walter threw a first-half interception two weeks ago against the Broncos. So that helps.

And finally, Oakland Raiders fans deserve special notice for their passion and loyalty to not only the team, but also to all things Satanic. As we’ve mentioned before, at a Raiders tailgate party, food, beer, and ritualistic sacrifices are commonplace and Lucifer’s black mass is considered good, wholesome fun.

So, “Hail Satan” and enjoy the excellence.

I'll Have The Roethlisberger With A Side Of Revenge, Please

Big Ben is bellyaching about Atlanta's players making fun of him after they turned him into a Falcon Sandwich last Sunday:

He declined to identify the player who talked about the facial injuries the quarterback received during his June motorcycle crash, but said: "I'll remember his number."
-Fox Sports

Riiiiiight. So, like Leonardo DiCaprio patiently plotting the death of Bill the Butcher in Gangs of New York, Ben will spend his time between now and 2010 (when the Steelers and Falcons play next) seething and formulating his sweet, delicious revenge on those who would mock him.*

Assuming, of course, he still has a memory by 2010.

*Look, analogies aren't my thing. I'm like... some guy who isn't good with analogies.