Miller Time

Update on a former Steeler and our favorite member of the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame: punter Josh Miller was released by the Patriots last week and he made some interesting comments on his way out the door:

“It was a great time. Before I got here, I never realized that coaches actually won games. Now I know I probably should have won more at the other teams I played for.”
-The Boston Herald

So, a little slap at Bill Cowher? Seems understandable, considering how Cowher would gently reprimand him on the sidelines when Josh would shank the rare punt for the Steelers. And by "gently reprimand him", of course, I mean "scream in his face". But that's what endeared him to Steeler fans; who among us couldn't relate to being yelled at by our jerk-off boss?

Through it all, though, Josh remained undaunted and loyal. Even to the point of actually giving his son Caleb the middle name "Steele", which, we now know, is certainly better than giving him the middle name "McBeam".

Thanks for the good memories, Josh. We wish you the best and continued success. You'll always be number 4 to us.

And Now, A Public Service Announcement

Occasionally, people who aren't from Pittsburgh stumble onto this humble blog. Some accidentally land here while searching for porn, while others simply suffer from dementia and arrive here by randomly hitting letters on their keyboards.

At any pace, for those not native to Western Pennsylvania who might wonder what a "yinzer" is, the answer comes when there are 21 seconds left in the following video:

An Open Letter To Steely McBeam

Dear Steely,

You seem like a nice guy, so we're not gonna lead you on. This- this just isn't working out.

It's not you, it's us. Pittsburghers hate change. It's like when the marketing douchebags decided that they were gonna make us call the north side "The North Shore". They can post that on as many road signs as they want, but it ain't happening. Maybe it's that we don't like things forced upon us.

Or maybe we've just been hurt by too many mascots in the past. The Pirate Parrot's cocaine problems have been well documented. He was a user and a dealer and those who've watched him dance might argue that he's never really left the Devil's Dandruff behind. Surely the Pirates record over these last 15 years hasn't helped.


Iceburgh the Penguin has had his share of struggles, too. We'll never forget his killing spree which could only be stopped by Jean Claude Van Damme. But, as far as we know, he's put those days behind him and we're not here to judge. When he puts a kid's head in his mouth now, it's funny. If you did that, we'd have nightmares for the rest of our lives.

Conspiracy theorists might suggest that you were set up to fail from the beginning. It's possible. Maybe the powers-that-be wanted a diversion from the ultimate Steelers change: a new head coach. Hopefully that's not the case because you deserve better than to be used as a cheap pawn in the Rooney family's quest to own Pittsburgh and the world.

But if you search your feelings, Steely, we think you'll agree that we're just not meant to to be together. Could there be any clearer sign than the destructive storms that rained down upon us and sent Allegheny county into a state of emergency the day after you were named? Clearly the football gods are not happy.

You have a lot to offer. With the right team, we have no doubt that you'll be successful. With a few modifications you could be a great fit in, say, Green Bay. A small change in your outfit and you could become Monterey Jack, the Cheese Plant Worker. Or maybe Bob Barker, The Dog Catcher in Atlanta. God knows they could use the help. We're just brainstorming here, but you get the idea.

The bottom line is that we wish you the best. And it's best that you leave.

Sincerely,
Pittsburgh

P.S. Could you leave a few bobbleheads behind? We love bobbleheads.

Meet Your New Recurring Nightmare

The Steelers new mascot has officially been named "Steeley McBeam". Some common mispronounciations of his name include:

1. Ally McBeal
2. Steeley Dan Rooney
3. Stealers McWheels
4. Beam Me Up Scotty
5. MacLean Stevenson
6. Jimmy McBeam
7. Jimmy Dean
8. Abe Frohman, the Sausage King
9. Uncle Remus
10. Imakekids McScream
11. Dickhead

Here We Go Stealers

With football season closing in, Pittsburgh sports-related crimes seem to be all the rage:

• The guy who pretended to be Jerame Tuman, Ben Roethlisberger, and Brian St. Pierre has been sentenced. Word of warning: if a Steeler tries to bum $3,200 off of you, he might be an imposter. Unless it's St. Pierre, who probably could use the money and/or work mowing your lawn.

• The Smoking Gun is doing God's work, featuring photos of people who had their mugshots taken while wearing their favorite team jerseys. The handsome and alert gentleman pictured above is Pittsburgh's proud representation. Click here for the crimey-goodness.

• Much like The Beastie Boys, circa 1986, the Penguins Jordan Staal (and his brother Eric) are fighting for their right to party. Now if they could just stop their mom from throwing away their best porno mags.
  

WPXI Puts The "New" In "News"

You have to love that plucky little band of sleuths over at Channel 11. When they're not falling asleep on the air, they're uncovering stories about the ladies in Ben Roethlisberger's life:

"It seems Big Ben has a new girlfriend. Former 'Heroes' actress Missy Peregrym has reportedly been traveling between Los Angeles and Pittsburgh to visit the QB."
-wpxi.com

It's wonderful that our local news outlets are so dedicated to reporting the latest breaking stories. And by "breaking stories", I mean "things that we've known for almost six months now".

The best part has to be the sly tone. "It seems Big Ben has a new girlfriend." I'm pretty sure that was written by a giant basset hound wearing a Sherlock Holmes-style hat and coat, while smoking a curled pipe in front of the library fireplace.

*Props to The Burgh Blog for finding the narcoleptic Bob Bruce video first. Talk about sleuthy!

Flame On

First they come for your smokes, then they come for your smoked meats:

"Canonsburg Mayor Anthony Colaizzo issued an executive order this week banning the use of grills -- propane, charcoal and wood -- after 8 p.m."
-Pittsburgh Tribune Review

One-time offenders will get a warning, after that a $300 fine will be imposed on rogue grillers.

Well this can only end well.

Who knows were this mayor is from originally, but he'd better remember that we love our grills here in Western Pennsylvania. How else are we supposed to hold our all-night vigils/tailgates when Ben Roethlisberger injures himself days before the Steelers season begins?

Bill Cowher Drives Like A Retiree

It's been at least several days since the local news outlets have given us a "where is he now" update on Bill Cowher, so it was good to see him take to a stock car and compete in the Fast Cars and Superstars celebrity race on ABC last night. How did he do?

"Things didn't go well for the former coach, who ended up finishing last after stalling his car leaving the pit stop and turned in a fastest average lap of 139 mph, slowest of all the competitors."
-Rocky Mountain News

139 mph? Most days, people go faster than that on the Parkway East (when there's no construction). We're not trying to say that Bill Cowher has lost his competitive edge, but when Jewel beats you in a NASCAR race, um, yeah maybe retirement was the right idea.

If you're bored, you can watch the show here. But we suggest you go outside and get some fresh air or something.

West End Circle Jerk

It's no secret that the local news outlets generally use kid gloves when it comes to controversial stories about Pittsburgh's major sports teams. Today, the Post Gazette decided to buck that trend by shedding some light on the fact that the Steelers and Pirates (the organizations bitching the loudest about potential traffic problems caused by the new casino) haven't been attending the traffic planning meetings:

"'The ... elephant in the room is that the elephants are not in the room,' said Mark T. Fatla, executive director of the Northside Leadership Conference."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

In addition to that, it seems that casino traffic problems don't concern the Rooney family when they own the facility, like the one they're building in Yonkers, NY:

"The facility’s reopening has been delayed; two lawsuits were filed and then settled. All this comes amid neighbors’ concerns over traffic and noise, and other worries about the effects of gambling in general. Undaunted, [Timothy] Rooney speaks confidently of Empire City at Yonkers Raceway and his hopes for the revised facility, which, when complete, will offer up to 7,500 video gaming machines, harness racing and simulcasting, as well as several restaurants, bars and an entertainment venue."
-Westchester County Business Journal

Don't get us wrong; despite the knocks we give them from time to time, come gameday, we're big Steeler and Pirate fans.

But this is just annoying.

Offensive Holding, Part 2: Electric Ankle Bracelet Boogaloo

Following up on last October's story about the firefighter who called off sick from work, then went to the Steeler game, where he... well... whipped out his Super Dog in front of a group of women at the concession stand and then punched a couple of stadium security guards:

"Lt. Martin Sanders was sentenced to 15 months of house arrest, followed by five years of probation, after pleading guilty on Wednesday to simple assault, resisting arrest, indecent exposure and disorderly conduct."
-The Pittsburgh Channel

The only positive here is that it's a refreshing change to see football-related criminals who aren't on the field.

And, as a side note, you can't help but wonder if this would have caused such a ruckus at PNC Park. As they say, if a man exposes himself at a Pirates game and there's no one around to see it, would it make anyone uncomfortable?

Joey Porter Almost Wishes You'd Disrespect Him

Remember Joey Porter, that loveable sociopath who used to be the core of the Steeler defense and who had killer dogs before having killer dogs was cool? Well, even though he's a Miami Dolphin now, Joey's looking to the future and preparing for a career behind the microphone by attending the NFL's "Broadcast Bootcamp", where players are taught how to analyze the game. CBS's James Brown ran the players through some potentially awkward situations:

"Brown led each player into a discussion of Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter, who was involved in a fight in Las Vegas this off-season and swept into the N.F.L. commissioner’s new personal-conduct counseling program. It made for fascinating backstage theater, since Porter was standing in the control room. No one blasted Porter, but it struck a common theme of the sessions — how to criticize a player, especially a former teammate or current friend."
-The New York Times

So, in a shocking revelation, people in the same room as Joey Porter tend to shy away from criticizing Joey Porter. Who would have guessed?

As a post-script, if there's a God, eventually Joey will end up working in the Monday Night Football booth, where he'll respond to ribbing from his coworkers by ripping out and eating Tony Kornheiser's spleen during a game.

He's Mr. Reed Miser

Sometimes it's almost too easy.

Jeff Reed screenshot blatantly stolen from Tunch and Wolf's In The Locker Room show. And if you're not familiar with the Heat Miser (or the Snow Miser), click here to get learned up, courtesy of Rankin and Bass, with music by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.

Triple Play

Lots going on in Pittsburgh sports today:

• Penguins: They're licking their chops in K.C. this afternoon [Kansas City Star]

• Pirates: 79 reasons why it's hard to be a Pirate Fan [Deadspin]

• Steelers: If the Miami Dolphin goes missing, no need to call Ace Ventura; just check with Joey Porter's dogs [Florida Today]
  

Peezy Does It

If you're in the pro Porter camp, check out today's Post Gazette article that looks back on some of Joey's best quotes, like this gem, aimed at the Seahawks' Jerramy Stevens, who made the mistake of suggesting that the Steelers might not win the Super Bowl:

"You ever see the movie 'Underworld'? I was sleeping all week, but I got my first taste of blood right here; and it is great when you haven't tasted it in a while. This week was boring until now."
-Joey Porter
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Come on. A batshit-crazy "Underworld" reference was just what the Super Bowl needed in the week leading up to the game. He's right; it was boring up until then.

As a side note, today is Ben Roethlisberger's 25th birthday. I'm not sure how he's celebrating, but if he's smart, when he blows out the candles on his cake, he'll be wishing for Joey Porter to end up somewhere outside of the AFC North.

Broadcast Nudes

The glory that is "sweeps week" is upon us and that means we get two things from our local newscasts:

1. Stories about sex
2. Stories about Steelers who are having sex

WTAE is in the lead so far with a story focusing on morning anchor Kelly Frey taking "pole dancing" classes:

"Moves like the ballerina, the pretzel and the backward bend will make you sweat."

The upside, of course, is that at least they didn't assign Jim Parsons to this story.

Dim the lights and watch WTAE's subtley titled "Kelly Frey's On The Pole" video by clicking here.

The second piece, which you'll find here, was apparently written by one of the interns who's been killing time surfing the internet:

"Several Web sites are linking Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger with Canadian model and actress Missy Peregrym."

The story goes on to tell us that she's most recently been hired to appear on the show "Heroes".

All we ask is that you keep an eye on him, Missy. Keep him away from the motorcycles and anything that might damage his internal organs.

Save the quarterback, save the team, babe.

Hey, Morons, Leave The Chin Alone

Well, it's been all of about 30 days since we've seen him, so last night's "Catching Up With Bill Cowher" story on WPXI obviously makes perfect sense. Something tells me we're gonna see one of these every... oh, I dunno... sweeps week, maybe?

In other news, people who film videos like the one below might be the reason The Chin threw in the terrible towel in the first place:

In Case Of A Water Landing, Casey Hampton Can Be Used As A Floatation Device

U.S. Airways has announced the development of a new plane:

"The airliner is talking about creating a Steelers-themed plane this year. According to the Beaver County Times, the plane would feature the team's colors and logo."
-thepittsburghchannel.com

I think I speak for most of Pittsburgh when I say, "hopefully it's not designed after the 2006 season."

Familiar Stranger 2: Electric Boogaloo

So, now we know that the Steelers new head coach is Mike Tomlin. But there's still a nagging familiarity, as if we've seen him before. Perhaps the following equation will help to clear things up:

Comedian Eddie Griffin
plus actor Omar Epps
equals Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin

Man, I'm Good

See? I was right all along. It's shortly after midnight and the Associated Press is now confirming what I predicted from day one: that Ken Whisenhunt Russ Grimm Mike Singletary Chuck Tanner Mike Tomlin will be the next head coach of the Steelers.

Sometimes I scare myself with this kind of forecasting. It's almost as if I have the power to see the future, like Kreskin or Dennis Bowman.

Now, if we can just think up some nicknames...

Just Trying To Plan Ahead

Since it would suck to go to a six-hour-long job interview and not get the gig, I'm going to assume that Russ Grimm will be the next head coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

That being said, all great sports figures have fun nicknames like Bill "The Chin" Cowher, John "Chucky" Gruden, and Dick "Weepy-Ass" Vermeil.

So, in the spirit of preparedness, here are some possible nicknames that Russ Grimm could use, should he get the job (feel free to add your own in the comments section):

• "The Double Chin"

• "The Grimm Weeper" (Applies only if, like Vermeil, he cries after wins)

• Russ "My Outlook For The Steelers Is Not" Grimm

• "Grimm Jong-Il" (Aplies only if he has a "dictator-like" coaching style)

• "Andy Reid"
  

• "The Russell Muscle" (Applies only to his penis)