Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint

Sports, pop culture, and politics, Pittsburgh-style, with french fries on top.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Friday Football Profile: Oakland Raiders

Part of a continuing series designed to help you learn more about the Steelers' upcoming opponents. In the words of Michael Corleone, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

When it comes to the Oakland Raiders, we first need to talk about Al Davis. Davis was named the coach of the team in 1963 and by 1966, he was one of the owners of the Oakland Raiders and remains so to this day. It’s also important to note that, somewhere along the way, Al Davis went bat shit crazy. Or maybe he was all along, we can’t be certain. What we do know is that he and Kim Jong Il apparently employ the same stylist.

To say the Raiders have issues in 2006 is an understatement. That would be like saying Jeffrey Dahmer had a slight character flaw or two.

Jerry Porter, one of Oakland’s wide receivers, has been suspended for four games because he criticized the team and, earlier this season, reportedly laughed and cheered with every other football fan when Raiders quarterback Aaron Brooks was sacked for the four hundredth time in a game against the oh-so-classy San Diego Chargers.

Following that, the noodle-armed Brooks was out by week 2 and replaced at quarterback by somebody named Andrew Walter, after the Raiders were unable to acquire the Diet Pepsi Machine. Little known fact: the Raiders’ third-string quarterback is actually a blind, 3-legged donkey with arthritis.

Randy Moss, the Raiders’ other star receiver, has expressed a willingness to be traded, and could be seen on TV saying “Fuck Andrew” after Walter threw a first-half interception two weeks ago against the Broncos. So that helps.

And finally, Oakland Raiders fans deserve special notice for their passion and loyalty to not only the team, but also to all things Satanic. As we’ve mentioned before, at a Raiders tailgate party, food, beer, and ritualistic sacrifices are commonplace and Lucifer’s black mass is considered good, wholesome fun.

So, “Hail Satan” and enjoy the excellence.

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