Here We Go Stealers

With football season closing in, Pittsburgh sports-related crimes seem to be all the rage:

• The guy who pretended to be Jerame Tuman, Ben Roethlisberger, and Brian St. Pierre has been sentenced. Word of warning: if a Steeler tries to bum $3,200 off of you, he might be an imposter. Unless it's St. Pierre, who probably could use the money and/or work mowing your lawn.

• The Smoking Gun is doing God's work, featuring photos of people who had their mugshots taken while wearing their favorite team jerseys. The handsome and alert gentleman pictured above is Pittsburgh's proud representation. Click here for the crimey-goodness.

• Much like The Beastie Boys, circa 1986, the Penguins Jordan Staal (and his brother Eric) are fighting for their right to party. Now if they could just stop their mom from throwing away their best porno mags.
  

We Went To A Hockey Game And Gay Porn Broke Out

Took some time out this afternoon for a game of EA Sports NHL 07 on the Xbox 360. We were the Penguins, playing against the computerized Devils; it was a hard-hitting and intense match-up, so you can imagine our surprise when an injured Brian Rafalski left the ice and proceeded to climb behind and straddle Cam Janssen on New Jersey's bench:

Maybe they just got caught up in the heat of the competition? Whatever happened, we're not here to judge. Way to put it in the five hole, Raffy. Cam's gotta be sad to see you go to the Red Wings this season.

Georges Laraque Will Have To Hold A Guy Just To Stay Warm

In sports news that doesn't make us want to punch a baby (we're lookin' at you, Comcast), it seems we might get to watch the Penguins play outdoor hockey in Buffalo this season:

"Sources around the NHL have indicated the Sabres would land the game, probably on New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day against the Pittsburgh Penguins, if myriad logistical issues can be finalized by the end of the month."
-The Buffalo News

The Penguins new schedule was released today and they are slated to play in Buffalo on New Year's Day, but there's no word if it'll be an outdoor game. If it is, that would make us happier than PittGirl in a pigeon punting contest.

Baby Penguins

Admit it. You spend most of your free time wondering what your favorite Penguin will look like one day when he's old enough to do things like "drive a car", "stay up past midnight", and "grow facial hair". Well, thankfully, KDKA is looking to the future and has put a drunken intern with a photoshop program their hard-hitting reporters on the case:

"Growing a beard is a playoff tradition for hockey players; but it could be a problem for some of the young Penguins. With a little help from our art department, Bob Pompeani gives the Pens a look into what could be their future facial hair!"
-kdka.com

So there you go. By clicking the link above, you can see what guys like Gino Malkin, Jordan Staal, and Bob Pompeani would look like if they could grow beards. No word on what they'd look like with a top hat, eyeglasses, or devil horns, but hopefully KDKA can solve that mystery for us at some point, as well.

Also, as a side note, our Mayor is trying to grow facial hair, too. Click here and check the last part of the Post Gazette's story if you don't believe me. Maybe then they won't make him sit at the kids table at City Council meetings anymore.

Done Deal

The gust of wind you felt this morning was Pittsburgh hockey fans breathing a collected sigh of relief, as the Penguins have worked out a deal that will keep the team here for another 30 years:

"An official announcement is expected at a 5pm news conference at Mellon Arena -- just before the Pens take the ice against the Buffalo Sabres."
-KDKA

It's great news, to be sure. And now, thankfully, the local newscasts will finally be able to turn their attention toward retrospectives that focus on great moments at the Civic Arena like the Sinatra concerts, the Elvis concerts, and that one time when Jean Claude Van Damme totally kicked the shit out of Iceburgh the Penguin.

Fan Appreciation

Mario and the politicians (kinda sounds like a 60's band) are meeting in Philly tonight with the fate of the Penguins hanging in the balance.

No real inside scoop for you, but if the Pens do stay in the Burgh, the Canucks have found a new spin on an old tradition that Penguin fans might want to consider: click here for the details.

Could give things a whole new meaning when Mike Lang yells, "Fleury chokes it off behind the net!"

Triple Play

Lots going on in Pittsburgh sports today:

• Penguins: They're licking their chops in K.C. this afternoon [Kansas City Star]

• Pirates: 79 reasons why it's hard to be a Pirate Fan [Deadspin]

• Steelers: If the Miami Dolphin goes missing, no need to call Ace Ventura; just check with Joey Porter's dogs [Florida Today]
  

Power Forward

KDKA's Andy Sheehan seems to be leading the way with information about the Pens' arena deal and today he snagged a copy of a letter sent from Mario and Ron Burkle to Governor Rendell, Mayor Ravenstahl, and Dan Onorato. It may just be more strong-arming from 66, but the letter says that the Penguins "will aggressively explore relocation":

"This is a disappointing but necessary conclusion, given the uncertainty that exists as we attempt to move forward." -Mario Lemieux and Ron Burkle
-KDKA

Ohhhhh, snap. I'm not sure if they used "move forward" to mock Mayor Luke or if they're just trying to speak in words that he's comfortable with, but either way, we'd better ask PittGirl if it's ok to drink.

Love Is In The Air

I believe it was the 17th century Japanese poet Basho who once said:

"Love is like oxygen/ you get too much you get too high/ not enough and you're gonna die/ love gets you high"*

So, in that spirit, we here at Dorothy Mantooth wish you the happiest and most successful of Valentine's Days, whether that means finding your one true soul mate, getting a quickie with Sidney Crosby after tonight's Pens-Blackhawks game or avoiding the authorities after setting fire to the house of the person who ripped your heart out.

And, as our Valentine to you, please accept this quiz to find out what your sexy Brazilian name is (and, of course, feel free to share it with us in the comments section):

Your Sexy Brazilian Name is:

Marcello Mendes

What's Your Sexy Brazilian Name?

* Some historians claim that it was not Basho, but 70's glam-rockers "Sweet" who penned those famous words, but I think we can all agree that both employed thoughtful lyrics and tightly compressed high-pitched backing vocal harmonies, can't we?
-Marcello

Down Goes Malkin! Down Goes Malkin!

Not to be outdone by Ben Roethlisberger's injuries and general health problems, Penguins rookie Evgeni Malkin went down in a heap last night in his first NHL exhibiton game, after colliding with teammate John LeClair.
After the game, when asked how he felt, Malkin said "How did Bodden do, guys?", before waving across the locker room to an imaginary friend named "Hugh".