Protect The Twinkie

In honor of this weekend's NFL Draft:

How The Mighty Have Fallen

The website officer.com wins the award for Best Headline of the Day and is in serious contention for Best Headline Ever with this gem: "Captain America Arrested with Burrito in Pants". True fans of the patriotic superhero will be shocked at what went down:

"[He] had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her."
-officer.com


Hopefully Tigger will be in touch soon with legal references.

At Least He's Not Smiling

The University of Pittsburgh will hold a candlelight vigil tonight, in support of the Virginia Tech murders. While "Roc", the Pitt Panther, seems to be a little more stoic than Goldy Gopher, let's hope he keeps his antics to a minimum.

That Ain't Right

Ok, maybe inviting the mascot to the University of Minnesota's Viginia Tech memorial wasn't the best idea...

*Photo courtesy of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune

Baby Penguins

Admit it. You spend most of your free time wondering what your favorite Penguin will look like one day when he's old enough to do things like "drive a car", "stay up past midnight", and "grow facial hair". Well, thankfully, KDKA is looking to the future and has put a drunken intern with a photoshop program their hard-hitting reporters on the case:

"Growing a beard is a playoff tradition for hockey players; but it could be a problem for some of the young Penguins. With a little help from our art department, Bob Pompeani gives the Pens a look into what could be their future facial hair!"
-kdka.com

So there you go. By clicking the link above, you can see what guys like Gino Malkin, Jordan Staal, and Bob Pompeani would look like if they could grow beards. No word on what they'd look like with a top hat, eyeglasses, or devil horns, but hopefully KDKA can solve that mystery for us at some point, as well.

Also, as a side note, our Mayor is trying to grow facial hair, too. Click here and check the last part of the Post Gazette's story if you don't believe me. Maybe then they won't make him sit at the kids table at City Council meetings anymore.

At Least We Can Agree On This, Can't We?

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The Castration Was One Thing, But Now You've Gone Too Far

Western Pennsylvania's favorite husband-castrating transsexual, Tammy Felbaum, is back in the news. Seems (s)he's been causing some hijinks in the courtroom lately:

"Felbaum was accused of spitting at a state trooper taking her to a hearing. In subsequent hearings, Felbaum wore a face mask, spit shield and shackles to avoid further disturbances."
-nbc10.com

And that's your Tammy Felbaum update! Have a great day and thanks for your time.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Start Your Mocking

The Bad News: The Pirates lost to the Cincy Reds tonight, 6-1

The Good News: At least they're featured in The Onion this week (click below to read the article in all its' glory):

Pirates Player Keeps Asking Fans If They Saw His Double

HOUSTON—After an opening day double off Astros closer Brad Lidge, elated Pirates third-basemen Jose Bautista was observed repeatedly asking...

Musical Interlude: Sweep The Leg

If you're like me, you've spent the last 23 years bitterly reminiscing about how lucky Daniel LaRusso got when he shamed the Cobra Kai with a well-timed Crane Kick in the All Valley Karate Tournament. Well, your redemption has finally arrived, in the form of a song by the group "No More Kings".

The music doesn't start until about 3 minutes in, but the whole thing is worth watching, especially if you're a fan of The Karate Kid and... Raising Arizona (?):

Movie Review: Disturbia

Disturbia, in theaters April 13th

If you've seen the previews for the movie Disturbia, you probably noticed similarities to the Alfred Hitchcock classic Rear Window. Well, Disturbia's ok, but Rear Window it ain't.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't hate this movie. It's got decent acting and isn't without some tense moments. But it also includes a scene in which the overhead boom microphone is so visible, that it's almost hitting the actors on the head. The audience was actually laughing. (As a side note, positive audience reaction at the premiere included a guy yelling "Whoop that ass!" during the climax. Yeah, like you've never yelled that during a climax.)

If you're looking to escape with a thriller that doesn't require a lot of thought, this is your movie. I give it 2 out of 4 visible boom mics.

100% Pure Adrenaline

This headline from thepittsburghchannel.com today:

"Reagan-Masked Robber Holds Up Monroeville Bank"

Well played, Swayze, well played. You may have escaped the authorities this time, but you can't hide forever. I do have to credit you, though: this was certainly cooler than conducting a "Ghost"-themed bank robbery.

You Can't Do That On Television, Bitches

Has it really come to this?

"Suspected gang members opened fire on a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards after-party early Sunday, wounding three and scattering 200 mostly teenage attendees, police said."
-signonsandiego.com

Wow. This reminds me of some of the other, lesser-known kids shows scandals of the past:

• Sesame Street's Luis and Cypress Hill's B-Real conducting a drive-by on the Teletubbies while yelling, "Today's show is brought to you by the numbers 1-8-7, putos!"
  

• Mr. Rogers busting into the Children's Televison Network Christmas party and exclaiming, "Say hello to my little neighbor", who happened to be a midget with a knife

• Captain Kangaroo accused of offering to "swab the poopdeck" of several female naval officers during the 1991 Tailhook scandal in Las Vegas
  

• H.R. Pufnstuf caught trying to use Freddie the Flute as a makeshift crack pipe
  

• Mr. McFeely attempting to flee from Chris Hanson and the Dateline NBC "Predators" team

• Sleeping pills that caused Jimi Hendix's death given to him by an undisclosed member of Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem
  

We're Number Won

Congrats to WVU for winning the N.I.T. title and congrats to the players for noticing that the company which made their t-shirts misspelled the name of the state:

The "West Virginia" printed on the shirts the players wore after winning the NIT Thursday night is missing the last "i" in "Virginia."

-kdka.com

See? Who says you can't get a decent education in West Virginia? The people with the company that printed the shirts probably realized they'd made a mistake but figured that nobody in West Virginia would catch on, since most West Virginians dropped out of school before spelling was taught.

I'm totally kidding. West Virginia is a great place filled with nice people. Did you know that it's wild and wonderful? It's true. I actually have several friends there, but I don't catch up with them often since they don't have phones and they're usually busy running moonshine.

Again, I'm just messing with the West Virginians. They rock. If you don't believe me, just check out Feedback with Steve Adams. He's an award-winning newscaster and blogger who writes things that are easily 7000 times more intelligent than anything you'll find here. Unfortunately, the average West Virginian has never read his blog because their "computers" are actually old broken microwave ovens that they found alongside the road.

Wow, this is really not coming out the way I'd hoped. Bottom line: West Virginia is a damned nice place where everyone's treated like family. Mostly because they're all related to one another. So it's like one big family reunion!

Ok, obviously, I can't stop putting my foot in my mouth here. So, I'll shut up. But you honestly should pay a visit to the beautiful state of West Virginia. Because they can't come here, since no one there has cars.

DAMMIT! WHY CAN'T I STOP??