Here We Go Stealers

With football season closing in, Pittsburgh sports-related crimes seem to be all the rage:

• The guy who pretended to be Jerame Tuman, Ben Roethlisberger, and Brian St. Pierre has been sentenced. Word of warning: if a Steeler tries to bum $3,200 off of you, he might be an imposter. Unless it's St. Pierre, who probably could use the money and/or work mowing your lawn.

• The Smoking Gun is doing God's work, featuring photos of people who had their mugshots taken while wearing their favorite team jerseys. The handsome and alert gentleman pictured above is Pittsburgh's proud representation. Click here for the crimey-goodness.

• Much like The Beastie Boys, circa 1986, the Penguins Jordan Staal (and his brother Eric) are fighting for their right to party. Now if they could just stop their mom from throwing away their best porno mags.
  

WPXI Puts The "New" In "News"

You have to love that plucky little band of sleuths over at Channel 11. When they're not falling asleep on the air, they're uncovering stories about the ladies in Ben Roethlisberger's life:

"It seems Big Ben has a new girlfriend. Former 'Heroes' actress Missy Peregrym has reportedly been traveling between Los Angeles and Pittsburgh to visit the QB."
-wpxi.com

It's wonderful that our local news outlets are so dedicated to reporting the latest breaking stories. And by "breaking stories", I mean "things that we've known for almost six months now".

The best part has to be the sly tone. "It seems Big Ben has a new girlfriend." I'm pretty sure that was written by a giant basset hound wearing a Sherlock Holmes-style hat and coat, while smoking a curled pipe in front of the library fireplace.

*Props to The Burgh Blog for finding the narcoleptic Bob Bruce video first. Talk about sleuthy!

Good Humor Man

We have a new claim to fame here in the Burgh; we're now officially home to the world's angriest Ice Cream Man, Nazzareno Didiano:

"The woman told investigators Didiano started screaming and cursing at her in front of children, saying she was hurting his business. Then, she said, he went back to his truck and pulled out a knife and threatened her before slashing her truck's tires."
-The Pittsburgh Channel

As a tribute to Mr. Didiano, here's a song we wrote, sung to the tune of Van Halen's Ice Cream Man:

♪ Now summertime's here babe, I'm tryin' not to lose my cool
Ah now summertime's here babe, I'm tryin' not to lose my cool
Better look out now though, Nazz got somethin for you
Tell ya what it is

I'm your ice cream man, stab you when I'm passin' by
Oh my my
I'm your ice cream man, stop me and I'll slash your tire
Kill all my competition, gonna make another fat kid cry
Hold on a second baby

I'll shove a big Scooter Crunch,
ah, up your butt
Sideways and straight up too
I'm your ice cream man, baby, stop me and I'll slash your tire
Kill all my competition, gonna make another fat kid cry
Hold on, one more

Well, I'm usually passin' by, but don't you know that this is my block
Uh huh, I never stop
When you see me passin' by, getcha dumb ass offa my block
And if I tell you more than one time, you'll be my regular stop
All right boys

I'm your ice cream man, stab you when I'm passin' by
I'm your ice cream man, stop me and I'll cut your tire
Kill all the competition, guaranteed to make a fat kid cry
One time, boys
I'm your ice cream man
I'm your ice cream man
B-b-b-b-b-b-b-baby
Ah my, my, my
All those fat kids are guaranteed to yell and... cr-uh-uh-yyyy
Ow ♪

Potter Post Obligatorus

In honor of tonight's release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Don't Make Fred Rogers Angry. You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry

Ten years ago this week, Fred Rogers received a lifetime achievement award from the Television Critics Association. Let's celebrate by watching the greatest Mr. Rogers segment ever:

Maybe It's Time To Try Decaf

Seems like things are a little high-strung down at the courthouse these days:

"A salad left unattended in a bag under a restroom sink prompted the closing of the Grant Street entrance to the Allegheny County Courthouse and the evacuation of county Chief Executive Dan Onorato's office for about an hour this afternoon."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Really?

Who knows how this all went down, but you're telling me that no one could have peeked in the bag before they brought in the police and the bomb sniffing dogs?

Really?

We Went To A Hockey Game And Gay Porn Broke Out

Took some time out this afternoon for a game of EA Sports NHL 07 on the Xbox 360. We were the Penguins, playing against the computerized Devils; it was a hard-hitting and intense match-up, so you can imagine our surprise when an injured Brian Rafalski left the ice and proceeded to climb behind and straddle Cam Janssen on New Jersey's bench:

Maybe they just got caught up in the heat of the competition? Whatever happened, we're not here to judge. Way to put it in the five hole, Raffy. Cam's gotta be sad to see you go to the Red Wings this season.

Power To The People (Or How We Got Our NFL Network Back)

If you're a frequent reader of this blog, you know how crushed we were to find out that Comcast had taken away our NFL Network and was holding it hostage for more money. Where else could we find a neckless Jamie Dukes stuffed into a suit like a fresh sausage in its casing? How would we know which of the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders could perform a Herkie Jump well enough to make the squad? If not from Rich Eisen, where would we get our daily dose of snark?

After hours of lying in the fetal position, naked, in an empty bathtub, we decided it was time to take action. And take action we did. Here, now, are The Mantooth's tips for getting the NFL Network back at no extra cost:

1. Stay calm. Find your inner chi. You'll need patience and a cool head when dealing with the evil Comcast. Getting them to give you the NFL Network back may take a couple of days. But isn't seeing Deion Sanders in a Tom Landry hat worth it?

2. Make the call. 1-800-comcast. After cycling through quite a few voice prompts, you'll finally get to a human being.

3. Be firm but polite. The people you're talking to aren't personally responsible. They're just misguided stormtroopers on the Comcast Death Star. Express your displeasure that you're losing channels but still being charged the same rate.

4. Expect resistance. Expect to get the sales speech, telling you that for 6 extra bucks a month you'll not only get the NFL Network, but an entire sports package, featuring tennis and basketball! Stand your ground and let them know that you're not the type of pretentious a-hole who watches tennis on TV. But in a nice way.

5. The kid we talked to said that Comcast had planned to charge for the NFL Network all along and finally just got around to it. He phrased it as if we'd been lucky to have been getting the channel "for free" over these last couple of years. Which is bunk, but stay cool. Remain firm and you'll get passed on to the next level.

6. Remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint. Getting to the next level may take some time. After sitting on hold and listening to muzak for several minutes, a lady answered and asked what we were calling in regards to. We told her and she asked if someone could call us back, since they were experiencing a high call volume. Fine, we said. We looked forward to the call. The call came about 18 hours later and again came with resistance.

7. Play your big card. Politely explain that you're so disappointed over this that you're seriously considering dropping your service. If you have internet or phone service with the evil Comcast, don't forget to mention those, as well. Tell them that the competition is getting fierce and you're considering giving Dish Network or DirecTV a try. This seemed to genuinely shock the guy we talked with.

8. Get ready for them to blink. This is when the fellow we spoke with broke and offered us the NFL Network for free until the end of the year. Accept.

9. Sit down in front of your TV and enjoy the boyish charm and enthusiasm of Fran Charles.

10.Later, quietly ask yourself why you went through all that just so you could see continuous reports on what a douchebag Chris Henry Pacman Jones Tank Johnson Michael Vick is.

Welcome to Pennsylbama

Good news if you're a fan of the south: soon we'll be getting their weather right here in Western PA! According to a new study from a group called The Union of Concerned Scientists, if we don't change our environmental ways, you can kiss goodbye to fun activites like skiing, snowmobiling, and breathing:

"According to that report, Western Pennsylvania's climate will resemble the current climate in Alabama if emissions continue to grow, with 20 to 25 days each summer with above-100-degree temperatures and 60 days a year with temperatures above 90."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

While "The Union of Concerned Scientists" is an enjoyable name for a group (it's like a slightly less-cool version of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen), this is unsettling news. Like we need to spend more 90-plus degree days riding to work on the bus, sitting between two dudes who are making their own man-gravy, Alabama-style.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we need to get our non-working appliances and rusted cars out onto the front lawn.

Flame On

First they come for your smokes, then they come for your smoked meats:

"Canonsburg Mayor Anthony Colaizzo issued an executive order this week banning the use of grills -- propane, charcoal and wood -- after 8 p.m."
-Pittsburgh Tribune Review

One-time offenders will get a warning, after that a $300 fine will be imposed on rogue grillers.

Well this can only end well.

Who knows were this mayor is from originally, but he'd better remember that we love our grills here in Western Pennsylvania. How else are we supposed to hold our all-night vigils/tailgates when Ben Roethlisberger injures himself days before the Steelers season begins?

Georges Laraque Will Have To Hold A Guy Just To Stay Warm

In sports news that doesn't make us want to punch a baby (we're lookin' at you, Comcast), it seems we might get to watch the Penguins play outdoor hockey in Buffalo this season:

"Sources around the NHL have indicated the Sabres would land the game, probably on New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day against the Pittsburgh Penguins, if myriad logistical issues can be finalized by the end of the month."
-The Buffalo News

The Penguins new schedule was released today and they are slated to play in Buffalo on New Year's Day, but there's no word if it'll be an outdoor game. If it is, that would make us happier than PittGirl in a pigeon punting contest.

The Cable Guy Hates You

Those crazy folks at Comcast have figured a way to sneak a few more bucks out of your pocket. Namely, by charging extra for the NFL Network:

"Beginning this week, Comcast is moving the NFL Network into its sports entertainment tier, meaning those of you who want to see it will have to pay an extra $7 a month to purchase the entire package."
-The Pittsburgh Channel

Here's an idea, Comcast. How about you let us get rid of the 50 plus channels that we never watch but need to have in order to get digital cable and we'll keep our NFL Network. Really. For starters, we don't want your plethora of shopping channels, your religious channels, your golf network, or your dumbass E! Entertainment Channel. We bet we could come up with a few more, too. Keep all of those and just give us our NFL Network.

Deal?

Didn't think so.

Remember when companies used to work to earn your money instead of working to find new ways to take your money?

Thanks For The Mammaries

In the midst of the government shut-down, Governor Rendell has secured the baby endorsement by signing into law a measure that allows breast feeding in public:

"Local governments may not prohibit public breast-feeding, whether or not the mother's breast is concealed, and the act cannot be considered indecent exposure, obscene or sexual conduct, or a nuisance."
-The Pittsburgh Channel

As always, we feel it's out duty to keep you abreast of breaking news here in PA.

It's good to see that even the boobs who run our government can get things right occasionally and that sometimes our officials can even become bosom buddies with those who elected them. Rendell has obviously shone the high beams on this problem and understands that the people of Pennsylvania are concerned with things other than the new arena that will take the place of Mellon's.

We have to say that, in this case, Rendell is coming across as leader who will rack his brain until he comes up with an answer and has a "positive solution or bust" mentality. Hopefully it won't be long before he visits Western PA again and hob-knobs with us Pittsburghers.

In closing, thank you for taking the time to read this. We're truly gland to have you.

The Empire Strikes Black And Gold

Pirates Chairman Bob Nutting to Fans For Change: "Oh, I'm afraid PNC Park will be quite operational when your friends arrive."

Well, the protest of the Pirates organization didn't go as well as some had hoped. According the the Post Gazette, most of the 22,000 in attendance Saturday night stayed in their seats after the third inning, when the Fans For Change were hoping people would show their displeasure with 14 losing seasons by walking out of the ball park.

Still, some fun was had before the game:

"A bobblehead doll was smashed in the street as a way of telling management that real baseball fans are tired of giveaways and want to see quality baseball again."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Pirates principal owner Bob Nutting responded to the bobblehead smashing by saying that he sensed the hate swelling in the rebels and that with each passing moment they made themselves more his servant.