Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint
Sports, pop culture, and politics, Pittsburgh-style, with french fries on top.
Friday, January 26, 2007
The Moose Is Loose
"Amy Walters said the moose head fell on her, striking her temple, while she was taking a biology test at Penn State Fayette in February 2005. Walters said she was able to finish the test but went to the emergency room when she continued to suffer from nausea and a severe headache."
The story goes on to say that, two years later, Ms. Walters is suing Penn State, since
Not to mention the fact that she can't even be in the room when Rocky and Bullwinkle are on*.
*Because of my mocking tone, I assume that I'll be injured in some sort of a freak accident at any moment now. I'll keep you posted.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
The State Of The Blog
In the year ahead, you will have many websites to choose from when you're looking to screw off at work. When you choose Dorothy Mantooth, however, you can be certain of a steadfast commitment to the following things:
Blatant hipocracy. We will continue to mock the local news networks for their shameless coverage of the Steelers while shamelessly writing more posts about Steeler football than anything else. Also, we will continue to misspell words, while chiding other websites for their spelling errors.
Stupid movies made by morons. As long as we desperately struggle to think of things to write about, we promise to fill the entertainment void with dumb-ass YouTube videos featuring (but not limited to) people falling off of roofs and getting kicked in the nuts (hopefully at the same time). We will tirelessly strive to steal these time-wasters from other, more legitimate websites, while acting as if we found the videos ourselves.
The occasional political rant. With politicians running this country and the world deep into the ground, the "End Times" can't be far off and we vow to sit in our undwear in the comfort of our own home and bitch on the intrawebs without actually doing anything remotely "constructive".
And so we move foreward, certain of nothing more than the insignifigance of these ramblings within the vast expanse of cyber space. And we surge ahead into 2007, faithful of the stupidity to come.
May God Bless the Internets.
Labels: Miscellaneous Crap
Monday, January 22, 2007
Familiar Stranger 2: Electric Boogaloo
Man, I'm Good
Sometimes I scare myself with this kind of forecasting. It's almost as if I have the power to see the future, like Kreskin or Dennis Bowman.
Now, if we can just think up some nicknames...
Friday, January 19, 2007
His Brother, Hammer, Was Unavailable For Comment
"An Indiana County man named Justin Tyme recently became father Tyme when his girlfriend gave birth to their daughter: Summer Tyme."
The article reveals that the 52-year-old man's name wasn't originally "Justin Tyme", but that when he was 21, he changed it because someone at a party said to him, "Ah, you're just in time." Sounds like a good enough reason to legally change your name and then screw up your newborn kid's life with a stupid name, too.
Personally, I think he should have started calling himself "Hugh Jassole", but that's just me.
Labels: Miscellaneous Crap
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Just Trying To Plan Ahead
That being said, all great sports figures have fun nicknames like Bill "The Chin" Cowher, John "Chucky" Gruden, and Dick "Weepy-Ass" Vermeil.
So, in the spirit of preparedness, here are some possible nicknames that Russ Grimm could use, should he get the job (feel free to add your own in the comments section):
- "The Double Chin"
- "The Grimm Weeper" (Applies only if, like Vermeil, he cries after wins)
- Russ "My Outlook For The Steelers Is Not" Grimm
- "Grimm Jong-Il" (Aplies only if he has a "dictator-like" coaching style)
- "Andy Reid"
- "The Russell Muscle" (Applies only to his penis)
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Things I've Noticed: Toto Edition
"I know that I must do what's right /
As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti"
Hole. Lee. Crap.
Dude used twenty-one syllables to work Kilimanjaro, Olympus, and the Serengeti into one line of a song.
What have you done today?
The song dates back to 1982 and was Toto's last hit, which makes sense. I mean, after you write that, you've pretty much blown your artistic wad, haven't you?
I'm just sayin'.
Friday, January 12, 2007
No Word If There's A "Snooze" Function
"The [Bulletin of Atomic Scientists] did not say in which direction the hands would move. But in a news release previewing an event next Wednesday, they said the change was based on 'worsening nuclear, climate threats' to the world."
Have a great weekend!
Labels: Signs Of The Apocalypse
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
It'll be exciting to see a fresh face taking over the franchise, but at the same time, is it just me, or do these guys seem a little familiar?
...who is part Farley:
...mixed with a little Andy Reid:
...a dash of Holmgren:
...and a generous helping of Chumley:
Monday, January 08, 2007
Well, We've Had A Good Run
" 'It would be helpful,' [Professor of Animal Sciences] Fahey said of Slentrol, 'if people could feed their dogs less. That would be turning off the spigot instead of mopping the floor. Not everybody's going to do that.' ''
So, I guess that's it. Turn in your social security card on your way out, we're pretty much done as a country.
And a word of warning: you might want to check out before they start the commercials, featuring two dogs at sunset, bathing on a hill in matching antique claw-foot tubs.
Or the Doggie Viagra spots, with a sad-looking Schnauzer gazing longingly at his owner's shin.
You know we're almost there.
Friday, January 05, 2007
And finally, the players' perspective:
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Bill Cowher's Colon Is Fine
Case in point, the "Channel 11 Coach Cowher Watch" which features minute-by-minute updates on the employment status of the head coach of our beloved Steelers. Some excerpts:
- Tuesday, 1/2 at 12 p.m. -- Channel 11 sports reporter Rich Walsh was at the news conference and said Bill Cowher did not speak about his future with the team.
- Tuesday, 1/2 at 1:30 p.m. -- Channel 11's Rich Walsh reports the Steelers have no comment so far.
- Tuesday, 1/2 at 3:30 p.m. -- There is no official comment from Steelers.
If I remember correctly, the coverage wasn't this close when the Pope was on his death bed a couple of years ago.
Not to be outdone, WTAE's Sally Wiggin has announced plans for a special report called "A Journey Inside Greatness: The Bill Cowher Colonoscopy". Watch for the DVD, available at Wal-Mart in time for Valentine's Day.