Have We Learned Nothing From Billy Joel?

Every once in awhile, God smiles down on this blog and presents a story that was made to mocked. Today's tale comes to us from the storybook land of Wal*Mart in White Township, where a Coke deliveryman and a Pepsi deliveryman were involved in a kerfuffle earlier this week:

"It's not clear exactly what the bickering was about, but as the Coke employee left the store, the Pepsi guy called him over to the side of the Wal-Mart. There, police said, he "punched the victim three times in the face," breaking his nose and giving him a black eye."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Action. Intrigue. Middle-aged men fighting over which sugary beverage is superior. Other than a beautiful princess riding on a winged unicorn, is there anything this story doesn't offer? Because if there is, I don't see it.

Also, in conclusion, the Shasta guy would have totally kicked both of their asses. Recognize, bitches.

Begun, The Cone Wars Have

The world's angriest (and greatest?) ice cream man, Nazzareno Didiano (immortalized in song here), was back in court yesterday and the prosecution had a lot to say about his unique style of handling competing ice cream vendors:

"I was terrified," said Murphy. "I was terrified. He pulled a knife out on me in front of children and adults. He threatened me, then he threatened the vehicle, then he punctured a hole in the vehicle tire."
-The Pittsburgh Channel

A couple of quick thoughts. First of all, if you're trying to get a vehicle to leave the premises, cutting it's tires probably isn't the most cunning of plans. You've gotta think these things through, Nazz.

Secondly, the story quotes Nazz as saying that he trained this lady in the ice cream arts before she went on to try to steal his business by taking over his route. So, naturally he tried to stab her. History hasn't seen a betrayal of this magnitude since Anakin Skywalker turned on Obi Wan Kenobi. The only real difference is that instead of light sabers, these two carry Choco-Tacos.

The adventure continues at a courthouse near you on September 10th.

Here We Go Stealers

With football season closing in, Pittsburgh sports-related crimes seem to be all the rage:

• The guy who pretended to be Jerame Tuman, Ben Roethlisberger, and Brian St. Pierre has been sentenced. Word of warning: if a Steeler tries to bum $3,200 off of you, he might be an imposter. Unless it's St. Pierre, who probably could use the money and/or work mowing your lawn.

• The Smoking Gun is doing God's work, featuring photos of people who had their mugshots taken while wearing their favorite team jerseys. The handsome and alert gentleman pictured above is Pittsburgh's proud representation. Click here for the crimey-goodness.

• Much like The Beastie Boys, circa 1986, the Penguins Jordan Staal (and his brother Eric) are fighting for their right to party. Now if they could just stop their mom from throwing away their best porno mags.
  

Good Humor Man

We have a new claim to fame here in the Burgh; we're now officially home to the world's angriest Ice Cream Man, Nazzareno Didiano:

"The woman told investigators Didiano started screaming and cursing at her in front of children, saying she was hurting his business. Then, she said, he went back to his truck and pulled out a knife and threatened her before slashing her truck's tires."
-The Pittsburgh Channel

As a tribute to Mr. Didiano, here's a song we wrote, sung to the tune of Van Halen's Ice Cream Man:

♪ Now summertime's here babe, I'm tryin' not to lose my cool
Ah now summertime's here babe, I'm tryin' not to lose my cool
Better look out now though, Nazz got somethin for you
Tell ya what it is

I'm your ice cream man, stab you when I'm passin' by
Oh my my
I'm your ice cream man, stop me and I'll slash your tire
Kill all my competition, gonna make another fat kid cry
Hold on a second baby

I'll shove a big Scooter Crunch,
ah, up your butt
Sideways and straight up too
I'm your ice cream man, baby, stop me and I'll slash your tire
Kill all my competition, gonna make another fat kid cry
Hold on, one more

Well, I'm usually passin' by, but don't you know that this is my block
Uh huh, I never stop
When you see me passin' by, getcha dumb ass offa my block
And if I tell you more than one time, you'll be my regular stop
All right boys

I'm your ice cream man, stab you when I'm passin' by
I'm your ice cream man, stop me and I'll cut your tire
Kill all the competition, guaranteed to make a fat kid cry
One time, boys
I'm your ice cream man
I'm your ice cream man
B-b-b-b-b-b-b-baby
Ah my, my, my
All those fat kids are guaranteed to yell and... cr-uh-uh-yyyy
Ow ♪

Offensive Holding, Part 2: Electric Ankle Bracelet Boogaloo

Following up on last October's story about the firefighter who called off sick from work, then went to the Steeler game, where he... well... whipped out his Super Dog in front of a group of women at the concession stand and then punched a couple of stadium security guards:

"Lt. Martin Sanders was sentenced to 15 months of house arrest, followed by five years of probation, after pleading guilty on Wednesday to simple assault, resisting arrest, indecent exposure and disorderly conduct."
-The Pittsburgh Channel

The only positive here is that it's a refreshing change to see football-related criminals who aren't on the field.

And, as a side note, you can't help but wonder if this would have caused such a ruckus at PNC Park. As they say, if a man exposes himself at a Pirates game and there's no one around to see it, would it make anyone uncomfortable?

Things To Do On The South Side When You're Drunk

Any Pittsburgher worth his or her salt has stumbled through the South Side at 1:00am after having a few too many at Jack's (or any of the other 4,672,348 bars). What most of us haven't done is tried infiltrate an F.B.I building afterwards:

"A Butler County man climbed the fence surrounding the FBI's South Side headquarters and started running alongside the building. Chased by a security guard, he scaled the fence again and was eventually caught hiding in some woods."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

We'll give him the benefit of the doubt this time since he's only 18 years old and obviously hasn't learned to hold his booze yet. Everybody knows that you don't scale the perimiter of a government facility after drinking on the South Side.

You go to Tom's Diner.

Next time, relax and have a gyro, kid.

Put Your Lettuce On Lockdown

We're sad to report that vegetable crime is apparently running rampant and unchecked in Somerset, PA:

"Someone kicked in the door of a man's apartment, stuck a knife in the door and took a chilled salad from his refrigerator."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Lettuce be thankful that olive the other items in the house were left alone. The salad must have a peas'ed the thief, who obviously didn't carrot all about the victim. Although, it could have bean a much worse outcome, we suppose.

We're so, so sorry for this post. We know it leaves mushroom for improvement.

And no one could blame you for wanting to squash us.

How The Mighty Have Fallen

The website officer.com wins the award for Best Headline of the Day and is in serious contention for Best Headline Ever with this gem: "Captain America Arrested with Burrito in Pants". True fans of the patriotic superhero will be shocked at what went down:

"[He] had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her."
-officer.com


Hopefully Tigger will be in touch soon with legal references.

The Castration Was One Thing, But Now You've Gone Too Far

Western Pennsylvania's favorite husband-castrating transsexual, Tammy Felbaum, is back in the news. Seems (s)he's been causing some hijinks in the courtroom lately:

"Felbaum was accused of spitting at a state trooper taking her to a hearing. In subsequent hearings, Felbaum wore a face mask, spit shield and shackles to avoid further disturbances."
-nbc10.com

And that's your Tammy Felbaum update! Have a great day and thanks for your time.

100% Pure Adrenaline

This headline from thepittsburghchannel.com today:

"Reagan-Masked Robber Holds Up Monroeville Bank"

Well played, Swayze, well played. You may have escaped the authorities this time, but you can't hide forever. I do have to credit you, though: this was certainly cooler than conducting a "Ghost"-themed bank robbery.

You Can't Do That On Television, Bitches

Has it really come to this?

"Suspected gang members opened fire on a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards after-party early Sunday, wounding three and scattering 200 mostly teenage attendees, police said."
-signonsandiego.com

Wow. This reminds me of some of the other, lesser-known kids shows scandals of the past:

• Sesame Street's Luis and Cypress Hill's B-Real conducting a drive-by on the Teletubbies while yelling, "Today's show is brought to you by the numbers 1-8-7, putos!"
  

• Mr. Rogers busting into the Children's Televison Network Christmas party and exclaiming, "Say hello to my little neighbor", who happened to be a midget with a knife

• Captain Kangaroo accused of offering to "swab the poopdeck" of several female naval officers during the 1991 Tailhook scandal in Las Vegas
  

• H.R. Pufnstuf caught trying to use Freddie the Flute as a makeshift crack pipe
  

• Mr. McFeely attempting to flee from Chris Hanson and the Dateline NBC "Predators" team

• Sleeping pills that caused Jimi Hendix's death given to him by an undisclosed member of Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem
  

So Many Questions

"These are not the unmarked bills you're looking for."

National City Bank has reported a robbery, apparently by a Jedi knight who's been seduced by the dark side of The Force. Carrying a bomb, she said she was. WTAE has the story here.

I'm always fascinated by the bank robbers and I have so many questions:

• If you enter the bank and there are customers waiting, do you get in line and patiently wait for your turn? Or just bust straight up to the front of the line?
  
• When you finally get to the teller, do you quietly tell them why you're there, so as not to draw attention to yourself? Or do you go balls out and let everybody know what's happening and increase your chance of a random person taking you down?
• Getaway car: discreetly parked in the lot? Or in the fire lane for quick access?
• Should you steal the pen that's chained down, too, just so they know you mean business?
• What's the best threat of choice? Gun? Bomb? Knife? Taser? Telling them you have Ben Roethlisberger in an undisclosed location and you'll off him if they don't give you the dough (Pittsburgh only)?
  
• Do you ditch your Jedi robe immediately after leaving or keep it on the whole way home?
  

No, Really?

In incredibly shocking news, eleven wrestlers have been linked to a steroid distribution ring, with one local name standing out:

"Kurt Angle, a 1996 Olympic champion freestyle wrestler, allegedly received prescriptions for trenbolone and nandrolone in 2004 and 2005."
-yahoo! sports

The article goes on to say that other athletes, from the worlds of baseball and boxing, are linked as well, with more names coming next week.

Honestly, wouldn't it be more shocking to learn that these guys were completely clean? Is there anyone alive who still thinks that they got that way naturally? I mean, other than this guy:

Hair Apparent

Look. I don't know much about the Phil Spector trial that starts today. He's a music legend, he might have killed somebody, yadda yadda. Click here if you want more info about the whole thing.

What do I know?

I know that is one. Amazing. Jewfro.

Things Not To Do On A Thursday Night

In case you missed it last week, Franklin Township checked in with a solid contender for Criminal of the Month:

"Police said around 11:30 p.m. Thursday, Houk pulled into the police station parking lot and asked for help changing a flat tire. Police said the tire had been torn from the rim and the side mirror was crushed.
Police said Houk became verbally combative when they asked him to take a field sobriety test, and once placed under arrest, Houk hit an officer in the face, then put his head down and charged at the officers, knocking them to the ground. Police said they used a stun gun to subdue Houk.
Houk had a blood-alcohol content of 0.18 percent, police said."
- timesonline.com

It's really difficult to choose which part of this scenario is the most awesome:

The fact that he pulled into a police station while drunk? Maybe.

The fact that the cops got all tasery on him? Possibly.

However, for my money, the best part is that the moron "put his head down and charged at the officers, knocking them to the ground", a technique made famous by Bald Bull in the "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out" video game. That's just old-school stupid.

Blue Man Group

The next time you're fantasizing about how you'd pull off the perfect bank heist, you should probably dream up a better getaway vehicle than the city bus:

"Authorities said the man robbed the bank, and then boarded a Port Authority bus that was headed outbound on Forbes Avenue. Police said a dye pack the man was carrying exploded on the bus, causing the driver to stop and evacuate passangers."
-thepittsburghchannel.com

I guess every criminal has to start out somewhere. You have to knock over a few banks or convenience stores before you can afford to upgrade to a real getaway car. It would be great if this guy could team up with the umbrella guy, though. Maybe one of them could get the money, while the other stands to the side with a boom box that's playing the Benny Hill theme as a soundtrack.

As a side note, assuming it hasn't been proofread by the time you get to the link, the misspelling of "passangers" in the story can be credited to thepittsburghchannel.com. WTAE- Where Spellling Comes Third, Possibly Fourth!

Let Me Know When Catwoman Shows Up

From Sunday's Pittsburgh Post Gazette:

"A man armed only with an umbrella and extra layers of clothing robbed a Downtown bank yesterday afternoon."

No word if a propeller popped out of the top of the umbrella, allowing the thief to fly away with the money. Or if the bank keeps its money in bags with giant dollar signs on them. But, in my mind, both of those things happened.

Offensive Holding

In honor of yesterday's drubbing of the K.C. Chiefs by the Steelers, one fan at Heinz Field decided to celebrate in his own unique way:

"According to police, Martin Sanders, 39, exposed himself and then punched and kicked several stadium employees who tried to escort him out of the stadium."
-KDKA.com

Luckily, at the Allegheny County Jail, there'll be plenty of guys interested in seeing what this stooge has to offer.

The moral that seems to prevail here is that even though the concession stands have their Super Dogs on display, it doesn't mean that yours should make an appearance.

I'm Lovin' It

You gotta love dumb guys with a plan.

This morning, KDKA reported the tale of two gentlemen who thought it would be a good idea to rob a McDonald's. They didn't take any money, though... only cups.

KDKA's Stephanie Watson reports the suspects Robert Kern III, of Maryland, and David Bivens, of Indiana, were stealing the cups for the chance to win a $5 million Monopoly game jackpot.
"I mean if you're going to go for the win, I guess that's the way," said Craig Evans from Brush Valley.
KDKA.com

Well, maybe not, Craig. While you have to appreciate the chutzpah of these hillbillies, a quick jump to the McDonald's Monopoly official rules page shows us the odds of winning the $5 million:

$5,000,000 (20 year annuity) - 1 in 41,497,391,309

Meanwhile, the odds of winning the current jackpot from the Powerball lottery?

$27,000,000 - 1 in 146,107,962

Take whatever moral from this story you like.

All I know is that dumb guys with a plan make my day a little more entertaining.