Thanks For The Mammaries

In the midst of the government shut-down, Governor Rendell has secured the baby endorsement by signing into law a measure that allows breast feeding in public:

"Local governments may not prohibit public breast-feeding, whether or not the mother's breast is concealed, and the act cannot be considered indecent exposure, obscene or sexual conduct, or a nuisance."
-The Pittsburgh Channel

As always, we feel it's out duty to keep you abreast of breaking news here in PA.

It's good to see that even the boobs who run our government can get things right occasionally and that sometimes our officials can even become bosom buddies with those who elected them. Rendell has obviously shone the high beams on this problem and understands that the people of Pennsylvania are concerned with things other than the new arena that will take the place of Mellon's.

We have to say that, in this case, Rendell is coming across as leader who will rack his brain until he comes up with an answer and has a "positive solution or bust" mentality. Hopefully it won't be long before he visits Western PA again and hob-knobs with us Pittsburghers.

In closing, thank you for taking the time to read this. We're truly gland to have you.

Miller's Crossing

Pittsburgh native and recent right-wing radio host Dennis Miller had a chance to cross paths with his new demographic when he hosted a free appearance at the Fox Theater in Redwood City, CA last week:

"Miller swore at one member of the audience during his free appearance Friday night at the Fox Theater, later apologized, and explained that he wasn’t used to the rancor of a political audience[that] shouted down Miller’s guest former San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown whenever the liberal Democrat made a statement they didn’t agree with."
-The Mercury News

Now, I don't wanna get off on a rant here, but it sounds like that new fan base is the political equivalent of Jimmy Cagney in Public Enemy, giving Dennis the verbal grapefruit in the face, while letting fly with more slurs than Foster Brooks on the dais at a Dean Martin roast.

Good Luck Getting This Song Out Of Your Head

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama is in the Burgh today. No word if his stalker will be following him, but we can hope, can't we:



If that wasn't enough (ya perv), click here for the story behind the video, which isn't exactly what it seems, courtesy of msn.

In My Craw: Flight 93 Memorial Edition

Apologies in advance for the lapse in levity in this post.

WTAE has an interesting story about the scam known as "The Flight 93 Memorial". It questions how the millions of dollars that've been raised are being spent:

"The groups building the memorial recently hired a fundraising consultant to review the work of their other fundraising consultant.Even though they've raised $10 million, they need another $20 million before they can even start construction."
-thepittsburghchannel.com

Ok, the first red flag should go up when there are consultants being hired to review consultants. Consultants should rarely be trusted, especially when they feed you lines like this:

"Add in consultant fees and other expenses, it will take $3 million to raise the $30 million needed for the memorial," said commission member John Reynolds. "That's one-tenth of the total."
-thepittsburghchannel.com

Maybe the answer is to pay attention to how the Amish handled things after last year's terrible school shooting:

"The one-room schoolhouse where 10 girls were shot last week, built by hand three decades ago by the Amish it served, was demolished by heavy machinery yesterday in the hope of easing the community’s pain."
-New York Times

Level the area and start over. No memorials. It's time to stop giving these leeches our money. This was a horrible incident that will remain in our hearts and minds forever. It's time to make our memories the memorial and use them to make sure that something like this never happens again.

Running Scared

In national news that annoys me, today it's being reported that Democratic Caucus Chairman Rahm Emanuel is instructing freshman members of Congress to avoid "The Colbert Report":

"'He said don’t do it … it’s a risk and it’s probably safer not to do it,' said Rep. Steve Cohen. But the freshman lawmaker from Tennessee taped a segment that last week was featured in the 32nd installment of the “Better Know a District” series. Colbert asked Cohen whether he was a black woman. He isn’t."
-The Hill

Apparently the powers that be became uncomfortable when a Congressman from Kentucky went on the show and got into a debate about the merits of throwing kittens into a wood-chipper. Obviously, it wasn't something to be taken seriously (and was actually pretty funny). You have to think that our own Congressman, Jason Altmire, didn't ease Emmanuel's mind much when he performed a tomahawk chop a few weeks ago, too:

So, the politicians who we elect to fight for us and help protect us are afraid of a Comedy Central show. Great.

Click here for Jason Altmire's page on Wikiality, the Truthiness Encyclopedia.

Stay Classy, House Of Representatives!

There's an old saying on the floor of the House: "You can pick your seat, just don't pick your nose. And eat the boogers."

For further proof that the people running our government are more like a bunch of fourth-graders than we'd like to admit, click on the video below and watch the gentleman in the background on the right:

Although it hasn't been confirmed, the general consensus is that the guy digging for gold and then eating his boogers is not "Spalding" from Caddyshack, but Ohio's 1st District congressman Steve Chabot.

God Bless America and have a great weekend!

**UPDATE**
It now appears that secret government agents have made the above video disappear, just as they did with the Area 51 aliens, Bigfoot, and Britney Spears' underpants. Or, it could have been C-Span's lawyers that had the clip removed. Either way, it takes more than that to quell the tenacity of nerds on the internet. You can still see the footage here.

¡Las vidas de la revolución del booger!

That's All, Folks

Well, election day is behind us now. No more bad TV ads, no more ads that condemn dirty ads while being dirty themselves, no more annoying political signs, no more candidates leaving their paraphernalia for me to find on my freaking porch every night.

I'm just bummed that my favorite candidate, Phillip Morris NaPier, didn't win Maine's governor's race. It's not every day we get to see a gubernatorial debate in which one of the candidates asks for for a pardon for himself and all the other convicted felons in the state. Also, he showed up wearing overalls, with his dog next to him.

Because anytime there's a dog on stage at a political debate, I am so there.

Early And Often

Today's the day. You know what to do.

We've Come To A Decision

Less than 24 hours until election day and, after much thought and deliberation, Dorothy Mantooth has decided to endorse Josh Jennings for Congress:


If you're not sold yet, here's another:

Excuse Me While I Vent

With the midterm elections coming up on Tuesday, we have some big choices to make. And I have a few questions.

One of the main talking points I'm hearing over and over is the G.O.P. saying that if the Democrats win the House and Senate on Tuesday, they'll just raise your taxes. To which the Democrats reply, "Oh, that's just not true."

Now, I think you and I can agree that nobody wants taxes raised, right? But my question is: at this point, don't we have to raise taxes? At least some? George H. W. Bush ran into this problem in his administration and, while everyone mocked him for going back on his "no new taxes" promise, at least he put the good of the country before his own political welfare.

Love him or hate him, it's called taking one for the team. It's called personal sacrifice.

We're in a war right now that experts are predicting will cost our country in excess of 2 trillion dollars. So, whether you agree with the cause or not, I think you'd have to admit that we have a big problem on our hands now. And, aside from those who are serving or those with loved ones in Iraq, who among us has really sacrificed for this war we're in?

In wars past, people back here at home made real sacrifices, be they in the form of a mandatory draft, by selling war bonds, or by playing the role of "Rosie the Riveter" and helping the effort through hard work in factories and shipyards, making materials and munitions.

I have been asked to do nothing for this war. I've actually been told that if I don't go to the mall, the terrorists win.

Are the Democrats so spineless that they're afraid to say that we, as a country, might actually have to tighten our belts and make a sacrifice or two, not only for our people risking their lives in Iraq, but also for the sake of our children and our children's children?

And are the Republicans so negligent that they keep spending money like Elton John in a jewelry store, comforted by the knowledge that future generations will have to figure out a way to pay this war off?

I just get sick of no one wanting to take ownership for what our government has done. The Republican party and those who subscribe to its' philosophies (yes, the same people who love to preach about "taking personal responsibilty") don't want to be bothered with helping to pay the bill. And the Democratic party just wants to quietly bury its' head in the sand and say nothing, so everyone will like them.

The bottom line is that we haven't been asked to make a sacrifice because the politicians haven't wanted us to constantly be reminded that we're at war. That would be very, very bad for their lucrative political careers.

So, any politician who's not afraid to stop coddling us... any politician who knows that the gigantic elephant in the room may hurt him or her politically and yet still has the bravery to acknowledge it? That's the person I'd like to vote for.

Because, as one of the smartest people I know so succinctly put it, "Rome is burning and we're makin' s'mores."

Get On The Bus

Governor Ed Rendell has upset some of his constituency after making these comments about why senior citizens love getting on busses and going to casinos:

“These are people who lead very gray lives. They don’t see their sons and daughters very much. They don’t have much social interaction. There’s not a whole lot of good things that happen in their month,” the governor said of some seniors.
-Lancaster Online

He went on to say that the sights and sounds from the slot machines make up the bulk of what brightens a senior's day. Which, even if true in some cases, is kind of a crappy thing to say.

Not satisfied that the hole was deep enough, Rendell has since kept digging:

"I said some senior citizens lead lives that don't have a lot of excitement. For them, to go gamble and lose $20 or $25 is the lion's share of entertainment in their lives, and that's the truth."
-Gov. Rendell to WTAE

So, according to Rendell, losing their money is the highlight of the day for a lot of senior citizens here in PA.

Even Kenny Rogers knew when to fold 'em, Ed.

Just fold 'em, would ya?

Electile Dysfunction

Two weeks until election day and quotes like this tend to put me on edge about the process:

"We know more about car tires than we do about voting machines," the Rev. DeForest Soaries, a former New Jersey secretary of state, said yesterday during a conference call with reporters and other election administration specialists.
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

After reading that article and this disturbing one about how easy it is to hack into the new voting machines, you have to think that our leaders are either more corrupt than we can possibly imagine or as dumb as a box of chads.

People have been trying to rig elections for a long time now. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that the first time a group of cavemen voted on who would watch over their food supply, one of them tried to fix it so he could sneak an extra brontosaurus leg when the others weren't looking. (I know that there were no cavemen when disoaurs walked the earth. I'm just trying to make a point, so cut me some slack, Einstein.)

Of course, mistakes happen, too. Although, the cynic in me believes that "mistakes" are more often hijackings in disguise.

The questions remain: are the people running the system so in awe of technology that they rush into using it without a paper trail as a safety net... or is the system so corrupt that they don't want the safety net and the technology simply makes it easier for them to put the people they want into power?

Stupid... or crooked?

Scary, either way. Guess we have to run for office ourselves... or head into the booth and hope for the best.

Click here for a demonstration of the voting machines used here in Pittsburgh.

So, Wait. Does This Mean Rumsfeld Is The Dwarf With The Axe?

Ahh, election years. If the political ads don't make you want to remove your eyeballs with an olive fork, the talking points certainly will. Although, technically, even without your eyeballs, you could still hear the talking points, so it'd probably be in your best interest to puncture your eardrums, as well.

But I digress.

The good news is that, occasionally, you'll find a gem of a quote among all the crap. Like Senator Santorum angling for the "Dungeons and Dragons" vote:

"As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else," Santorum said, describing the tool the evil Lord Sauron used in search of the magical ring that would consolidate his power over Middle-earth.
-PA Sen. Rick Santorum, Uniontown Herald Standard

Wow. So, I guess we would be the hobbits in this scenario? And Lord Sauron would be... terror? No, wait... the hobbits are the troops and the eye is terror! And Bob Casey is Sauron!

In a... sleepy kind of way.

Maybe?

Either way, James Carville has to be Gollum, right?

I dunno, I was always more of a Star Wars fan.

With Apologies To Big Russ

F.Y.I., here's one of the images that comes up when you do a Google search for the phrase "dumb pumpkin":

Oh, internet. You do cut to the core.

OMG! I wnt 2 vt pls!!!1! lol

While we're on the subject of politics, check this out:

From the Pittsburgh Post Gazette:
Would-be voters with cell phones can now start the process of registering by sending a text message, thanks to a program the Pennsylvania League of Young Voters Education Fund unveiled last week.

Pretty interesting. I wonder how long it will be before we can actually vote for our leaders by cellphone, as if they were Ruben from American Idol?

Here's a quick guide to Pittsburgh Political Text Messaging Shorthand:

• LOL = Luke's on Letterman

• BCUSM = Bob Casey's Unibrow Scares Me

• TBO = Throw the bums out

• NEOCNPLS = Neocon, please (for responding to Rick Santorum)

• VT4DON-E = Vote for Donnie (Iris)

Never Mind That Smell, It's Just Rome Burning

Not exactly shocking news, but a recent Rasmussen survey shows that the majority of people believe that our political system is "badly broken". What is somewhat shocking is to actually hear comments like the ones made in the video below by Weekly Standard editor and regular TV talking head Bill Kristol.

Kudos to Shepard Smith. No matter which side you're on, it's refreshing to see a nitwit get his feet held to the fire occasionally.

In fact, it would be downright funny, if it weren't so scary.

BREAKING: FUTURISTIC ROBOT ARRIVES AT GREENSBURG COURTHOUSE, ASKS FOR SARAH CONNOR; IS TOLD TO FILL OUT FORMS, HAVE SEAT

Oh, wait. It's just this yum-yum.
No matter what your attorney tells you, it's probably not a good idea to show up for court wearing a box on your head.

Killing Me Softly

Last night, Pittsburgh City Council voted 14-1 in favor of the Allegheny County smoking ban.

To recap, putting toxins and chemicals into the bodies of yourself and those around you is bad; putting toxins and chemicals into just yourself is still ok.

Pass the hot sauce, wouldja?

*As a side note, if you're the conspiracy theory type who gets freaked out thinking about what The Man will take away next, then you probably shouldn't read this.

Smoke 'Em In Pre-Designated Areas If You Got 'Em

Pittsburgh City Council votes on the proposed Allegheny County Smoking Ban tonight and the debate rages on.

I'm not a smoker. Never have been; it just always seemed like a stupid habit. But who among us doesn't do stupid things? As long as I continue to eat a Big Mac or a Primanti Bros. sandwich, who am I to criticize someone who's putting harmful things into their bodies? It's a free country, right? First they take away your Marlboros and all that.

You'll find arguments against the ban, like this, in the papers:

From the Pittsburgh Tribune Review:
"Would it be OK to ban the sale of potato chips in bars and restaurants if the majority of citizens were to vote for it? If the owner of a given bar or restaurant chooses to allow smoking in his establishment, why can't people who don't like smoking simply not go there?"

Doesn't hold water, in my opinion. If I don't like potato chips and you do, I don't care if you sit next to me and eat 12 bags of them... I'm not gonna catch any second-hand saturated fats. I can be harmed by the toxins in your cigarettes, though.

And what if I'm allergic to your smoke? I shouldn't have to forfeit going to a favorite hangout because you want to poison yourself and, subsequently, those around you, should I?

So, it seems like a question of "who do we have the freedom to poison?" Should we have the freedom to poison ourselves and others... or just ourselves?

I'd like to kill myself in my own unique way, thanks. I don't need anybody's help.

It's Not Easy Being Green

Bad times for food and those of us who eat it on a regular basis.

First, the spinach recall is still growing, what with the rampant sickness and the E coli and whatnot. Not to mention Popeye being unable to defend himself against the nefarious schemes of Bluto and Brutus. (Were they two different guys or just one who decided to change his name? So many questions...)

Now, according to KDKA, the Allegheny County Department of Health is in such financial trouble that, among other things, they can only inspect one out of three restaurants... and school cafeterias are being inspected once every three years, as opposed to annually.

Some other results of the Health Department's lack of funding:

• Primanti Brothers now offering discounted Mystery Meat Cheesesteaks (Egg optional)

• Pittsburgh school children now able to study their own gastrointestinal ailments in biology class

• To help raise money, health inspectors forced to play saxophone on Clemente Bridge before Pirates games

• Pigeons frequently overheard complaining about all the rats in Market Square