Whatcha Gonna Do

In case you were wondering if Hulkamania is still running wild all over you, the answer is yes. Yes, it is. Apparently Hulk Hogan is the spokesman for something called "The National Wave", the idea for which was born in Freedom, PA:

"The goal of the National Wave is to have Americans across the country wave a “Uniting Towel of America” at the same time for 15 minutes at 9 p.m. ET on July 4, 2008."
-KDKA

Interesting. It may sound TERRIBLE to say, but I feel like I've seen this TOWEL idea somewhere before. If only I could remember where. Memory loss is an awful thing, but it's something I guess I have to COPE with.

Also, we're supposed to wave it for 15 minutes? Straight? Can we take a break? I mean, I'm pretty sure people's arms are gonna get tired. Let's be honest: not everybody has pythons like Hulk and me*. Plus, 9:00 is when my Golden Girls reruns come on and if I miss the first 15 minutes, I just can't catch up.

*Admission to the Gun Show is $5.00 and available through your local Ticketmaster outlet. You'll have to buy the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge.

Frankeneinstein

If you enjoy reading the occasional biography, pick up Walter Isaacson's Einstein: His Life and Universe. It's a pretty compelling read that made me want to scour the internet for more info about the great physicist. That's when I stumbled across this video of a Korean robot with Einstein's head attached:



Creepy? Cool? I'll go with the latter, although if it was just the two of us together on a stormy night, he'd be spending some time in the closet.

More info here.

Maybe It's Time To Try Decaf

Seems like things are a little high-strung down at the courthouse these days:

"A salad left unattended in a bag under a restroom sink prompted the closing of the Grant Street entrance to the Allegheny County Courthouse and the evacuation of county Chief Executive Dan Onorato's office for about an hour this afternoon."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Really?

Who knows how this all went down, but you're telling me that no one could have peeked in the bag before they brought in the police and the bomb sniffing dogs?

Really?

The Cable Guy Hates You

Those crazy folks at Comcast have figured a way to sneak a few more bucks out of your pocket. Namely, by charging extra for the NFL Network:

"Beginning this week, Comcast is moving the NFL Network into its sports entertainment tier, meaning those of you who want to see it will have to pay an extra $7 a month to purchase the entire package."
-The Pittsburgh Channel

Here's an idea, Comcast. How about you let us get rid of the 50 plus channels that we never watch but need to have in order to get digital cable and we'll keep our NFL Network. Really. For starters, we don't want your plethora of shopping channels, your religious channels, your golf network, or your dumbass E! Entertainment Channel. We bet we could come up with a few more, too. Keep all of those and just give us our NFL Network.

Deal?

Didn't think so.

Remember when companies used to work to earn your money instead of working to find new ways to take your money?

Chris Farley Has Been Reincarnated

Still no cure for cancer, but every now and then you can find a real diamond like this in the rough over at Fark.

Burgh Brother

Today might be a good day to stop by your local grocery store and stock up on tinfoil; according to today's Post Gazette, we need to start preparing hats to block the 24- hour-a-day surveillance that our overlords will soon be imposing upon us by way of hundreds of cameras across the city:

"Video cameras scattered throughout Downtown and other neighborhoods would eventually be linked in a surveillance network, under a proposal by Mayor Luke Ravenstahl and Allegheny County District Attorney Stephen A. Zappala Jr."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Some offenses that, if caught on camera, will be cause for deportation and/or incarceration by Pittsburgh authorities:

• Removing french fries from any sandwich or salad

• Attempting to block Mayor Luke from meeting his favorite celebrities

• Coming in contact with anything or anyone from Cleveland and not acting in a mocking manner

• Using in vain the name of any 70's era Steeler

• Not beginning every news story with the word "Hey," (Wendy Bell only)

• Prank calling Adult Mart on McKnight Road and asking if they have any "Dick Skrinjars" in stock

The Voices In My Head Are Telling Me To Hit You With This Plank Of Wood

The paddle is long since gone from classrooms, but Joey Salvati from New Kensington is trying to bring it back into vogue. In fact, he's giving paddles and instructions away for free on his website, spare-rods.com.

Interesting idea. Certainly Jasper from The Simpsons understood the effectiveness of the paddle:



The part that's fascinating is that Joey, like Elwood Blues, sees himself as being on a mission from God:

"[Salvati], 39, a father of two, was in the shower about a month ago when he first heard God speak to him about the matter. Whether it was an external or internal voice, he wasn't sure. He tried to ignore it, but it kept coming back, day after day, until he realized he had to do something about it."
-Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

Again, intriguing premise. We don't hate the idea of the paddle, but when a guy tells us that the voices in his head keep coming back, day after day, we tend to worry a little. Replace "God" with "the space men" or "Orson Welles" in the paragraph above and most people would assume that he's not hooked up properly. Just food for thought.

Although, who knows. Maybe we just need a good paddlin'.

Willie Would Be Proud

If you're like us, you consult your W.W.W.N.D. (What Would Willie Nelson Do) bracelet before making any major life decisions, so you can imagine our excitement that the higher-ups at Eat'n Park have been doing the same:

"It won't just be the power of suggestion that has you smelling French fries while driving behind Eat'n Park trucks. That's because they'll soon be running on a biodiesel blend made from the oil from the fry vats at their own restaurants."
-Pittsburgh City Paper

So, with their new biodiesel fuel policy and their embracing of the smoking ban (even after it's reversal) Eat'n Park seems to be leading the way in corporate progressiveness.

Some other forward-thinking policies and products that Eat 'n Park will introduce by year's end:

• Smiley Cookie's fun-loving brother, "The Uncontrollable Giggles Brownie" (note: not on display, ask for "Todd" to hook you up)
  


• Waitresses no longer required to shave armpits
  


• After a rough night, promises not to play the fucking Eagles on the p.a. system, man
  


• Will reach out to King's Family Restaurant's "Frownie"; try to find out what's harshing his mellow

We're Pretty Sure "Hellraiser 6" Started This Way

Lock your doors: this fall, the Carnegie Science Center is bringing the "Bodies" exhibit to town, which features 15 actual human corpses that have been preserved and placed in various sporting poses, such as "kicking a soccer ball" and "setting up a tennis serve". Oh, and there will be over 200 other body parts, including embryos and fetuses (feti?) on display for your viewing pleasure, as well.

Needless to say, some people aren't too happy, including at least one employee of the science center:

"One opponent is Elaine Catz, an 11-year employee of the science center who resigned over 'Bodies' last week. 'We don't know how these people died or why they died, and I don't think Premier knows, either,' she said, referring to the company, Premier Exhibitions of Atlanta, that is presenting the show."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Look. Have we learned nothing from horror movies? Obviously these things will come to life at night, first killing the janitor and his scrappy dog before, later, trapping a smart (and sexy) female scientist who barely escapes with her life only to find out, in a surprising twist, that the slow-witted, undead creatures have actually been here for years, playing baseball at PNC Park.

It's as plain as the nose on... well, on that shelf over there.

We're Back, Bitches

After a brief sabbatical of about a month, the batteries are recharged and the snark and sarcasm are at optimum power. Perhaps we'll just call it "snarkasm". Either way, you'll find a renewed commitment to stupid stories, even stupider videos, and, if you're nice, the occasional lolcat.

It's good to be home.

At Least He's Not Smiling

The University of Pittsburgh will hold a candlelight vigil tonight, in support of the Virginia Tech murders. While "Roc", the Pitt Panther, seems to be a little more stoic than Goldy Gopher, let's hope he keeps his antics to a minimum.

That Ain't Right

Ok, maybe inviting the mascot to the University of Minnesota's Viginia Tech memorial wasn't the best idea...

*Photo courtesy of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune

At Least We Can Agree On This, Can't We?

=

We're Number Won

Congrats to WVU for winning the N.I.T. title and congrats to the players for noticing that the company which made their t-shirts misspelled the name of the state:

The "West Virginia" printed on the shirts the players wore after winning the NIT Thursday night is missing the last "i" in "Virginia."

-kdka.com

See? Who says you can't get a decent education in West Virginia? The people with the company that printed the shirts probably realized they'd made a mistake but figured that nobody in West Virginia would catch on, since most West Virginians dropped out of school before spelling was taught.

I'm totally kidding. West Virginia is a great place filled with nice people. Did you know that it's wild and wonderful? It's true. I actually have several friends there, but I don't catch up with them often since they don't have phones and they're usually busy running moonshine.

Again, I'm just messing with the West Virginians. They rock. If you don't believe me, just check out Feedback with Steve Adams. He's an award-winning newscaster and blogger who writes things that are easily 7000 times more intelligent than anything you'll find here. Unfortunately, the average West Virginian has never read his blog because their "computers" are actually old broken microwave ovens that they found alongside the road.

Wow, this is really not coming out the way I'd hoped. Bottom line: West Virginia is a damned nice place where everyone's treated like family. Mostly because they're all related to one another. So it's like one big family reunion!

Ok, obviously, I can't stop putting my foot in my mouth here. So, I'll shut up. But you honestly should pay a visit to the beautiful state of West Virginia. Because they can't come here, since no one there has cars.

DAMMIT! WHY CAN'T I STOP??

In My Craw: Flight 93 Memorial Edition

Apologies in advance for the lapse in levity in this post.

WTAE has an interesting story about the scam known as "The Flight 93 Memorial". It questions how the millions of dollars that've been raised are being spent:

"The groups building the memorial recently hired a fundraising consultant to review the work of their other fundraising consultant.Even though they've raised $10 million, they need another $20 million before they can even start construction."
-thepittsburghchannel.com

Ok, the first red flag should go up when there are consultants being hired to review consultants. Consultants should rarely be trusted, especially when they feed you lines like this:

"Add in consultant fees and other expenses, it will take $3 million to raise the $30 million needed for the memorial," said commission member John Reynolds. "That's one-tenth of the total."
-thepittsburghchannel.com

Maybe the answer is to pay attention to how the Amish handled things after last year's terrible school shooting:

"The one-room schoolhouse where 10 girls were shot last week, built by hand three decades ago by the Amish it served, was demolished by heavy machinery yesterday in the hope of easing the community’s pain."
-New York Times

Level the area and start over. No memorials. It's time to stop giving these leeches our money. This was a horrible incident that will remain in our hearts and minds forever. It's time to make our memories the memorial and use them to make sure that something like this never happens again.

No, Really?

In incredibly shocking news, eleven wrestlers have been linked to a steroid distribution ring, with one local name standing out:

"Kurt Angle, a 1996 Olympic champion freestyle wrestler, allegedly received prescriptions for trenbolone and nandrolone in 2004 and 2005."
-yahoo! sports

The article goes on to say that other athletes, from the worlds of baseball and boxing, are linked as well, with more names coming next week.

Honestly, wouldn't it be more shocking to learn that these guys were completely clean? Is there anyone alive who still thinks that they got that way naturally? I mean, other than this guy:

Running Scared

In national news that annoys me, today it's being reported that Democratic Caucus Chairman Rahm Emanuel is instructing freshman members of Congress to avoid "The Colbert Report":

"'He said don’t do it … it’s a risk and it’s probably safer not to do it,' said Rep. Steve Cohen. But the freshman lawmaker from Tennessee taped a segment that last week was featured in the 32nd installment of the “Better Know a District” series. Colbert asked Cohen whether he was a black woman. He isn’t."
-The Hill

Apparently the powers that be became uncomfortable when a Congressman from Kentucky went on the show and got into a debate about the merits of throwing kittens into a wood-chipper. Obviously, it wasn't something to be taken seriously (and was actually pretty funny). You have to think that our own Congressman, Jason Altmire, didn't ease Emmanuel's mind much when he performed a tomahawk chop a few weeks ago, too:

So, the politicians who we elect to fight for us and help protect us are afraid of a Comedy Central show. Great.

Click here for Jason Altmire's page on Wikiality, the Truthiness Encyclopedia.

Tooth Fare

Today's Post Gazette is reporting that, these days, kids are getting more dough than ever from the Tooth Fairy:

"The poll found that the overall range per tooth is 25 cents to $20 (last year's high was $25). It didn't say who's skewing the curve at the high end, but the culprit isn't necessarily Donald Trump."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

That can't be true, can it? The only person I can imagine giving her kids $25 bucks for each tooth they lost would be Angelina Jolie, since she's rich and collects little foreign kids from around the world like normal people collect shotglasses*.

*Joke courtesy of Big Ric. He actually said "like normal people collect flags of the world from Disney". Since I'm the only person left who's never been to Disney, I got frightened and confused and changed it to "shotglasses". In other words, you got two lame-ass jokes for the price of one. We passed the savings on to you!

Leave It To Beaver

Yikes- not sure what's going on at the Beaver County Jail, but if the reports are true, it seems to be approaching "Abu Beav" conditions:

"Investigators deemed several allegations of abuse plausible, including one which left an inmate with a broken eye socket and one in which an inmate was allegedly left soaking wet outside in 22-degree weather for 45 minutes."
-examiner.com

A broken eye socket? What does that even mean?

As for the "soaking wet outside in 22 degree weather", maybe the prisoners should toughen up because that just sounds like tailgating before a late-November Steeler game.

You Can't Spell Monroeville Without "Evil"

Thanks to M.J. for the tip on this one: On Saturday, the fine folks at Guinness recognized last fall's Monroeville Mall Walk of the Dead:


Wikipedia says there were 894 undead who participated in the record-setting gathering. Click here to head to The It's Alive Show's website for more details plus video of the Zombie Walk that took place on the South Side last fall.

As a side note, the previous record for largest crowd in a zombified state was recorded at PNC Park last August 16th, when the Milwaukee Brewers beat the Pirates, 5-2.