Doppler Live StormBlog 2000

5:42: I've decided to live blog Channel 4's coverage of this afternoon's storms. Refresh your browser often for breaking events! This can only end well.

5:46: Dr. Marilyn Brooks advises us to stay away from feces-laden water.

5:51: Wendy Bell and Michelle Wright are wearing the exact same jacket in different Easter-Egg pastel colors. Armageddon is nigh.

5:53: Stephen Cropper says Don Schwenneker is "quarterbacking the coverage". Like the Steelers! Good Lord, where are the Steelers?!

5:55: Another storm is set to destroy what's left of Pittsburgh between 8 and 9 tonight. Plan accordingly.

5:57: The maps are phenominal. In addition to the scary red blotches, there are now BURGUNDY BLOTCHES. WE'VE GONE TO BURGUNDY.

6:00: Sally's on the case, bitches.

6:05 Apparently there's something called "Lightning Tracker" that counts lightning strikes.

6:08: The Mayor speaks.

6:09: Mayor Luke says no major injuries. Is he LYING? We'll see, Luke. We'll see. Somebody get Jon Delano up in this piece.

6:12: The Mayor has handed it off to the Head Emergency Guy or somebody, who says that our resiliance has been tested today and that tonight we dine in hell.

6:15 Luke is fielding questions. SOMEBODY ASK IF THE STEELERS ARE OK!

6:21: Emergency Guy is back and says that we may be in the dark tonight. This conference sponsored by Ralph's Army Surplus, with the lowest prices on gas lanterns!
6:24: Back to the studio. Doppler FashionWatch: Sally has seemingly gone off the deep end and is dressed in a New York Yankees uniform.
6:26: Cropper and Schwenneker have developed something called the "Futurecast"! Can't they just use it to travel ahead in time and bring back the weather-controlling equipment that will be created in the year 2564??
6:30: WTAE has apparently been destroyed as Channel 4 goes to national programming. Somewhere, Don Cannon is just waking up.

WPXI Puts The "New" In "News"

You have to love that plucky little band of sleuths over at Channel 11. When they're not falling asleep on the air, they're uncovering stories about the ladies in Ben Roethlisberger's life:

"It seems Big Ben has a new girlfriend. Former 'Heroes' actress Missy Peregrym has reportedly been traveling between Los Angeles and Pittsburgh to visit the QB."
-wpxi.com

It's wonderful that our local news outlets are so dedicated to reporting the latest breaking stories. And by "breaking stories", I mean "things that we've known for almost six months now".

The best part has to be the sly tone. "It seems Big Ben has a new girlfriend." I'm pretty sure that was written by a giant basset hound wearing a Sherlock Holmes-style hat and coat, while smoking a curled pipe in front of the library fireplace.

*Props to The Burgh Blog for finding the narcoleptic Bob Bruce video first. Talk about sleuthy!

Reaction News

Channel 4 Action News (Where You Come First) is trying to get your dander up again with new quotes from Sienna Miller, talking about how she had to apologize for calling our town "Shitsburgh":

"I understand the patriotism of that city, but really I don't think it was that big a deal. I had to meet the mayor live on TV and apologize. It was huge!" said Miller. "People are dying in Iraq and where is our focus, you know what I mean?"
-thepittsburghchannel.com

Ok, stupid quote. Obviously, our annoyance at her mocking our city in a national magazine and caring about the war in Iraq are not mutually exclusive things. If someone walked into your house and pooped on your carpet, you could be upset about that while still being concerned about the war.

But keep your eye on WTAE here. They took that quote from an interview in the U.K.'s weekly newspaper The Guardian. However, WTAE neglected to include this other Sienna nugget from the same interview:

"But I don't deliberately hurt anybody. And, actually, I like Pittsburgh, I do." - Sienna Miller
-The Guardian

Now, while Sienna doesn't seem to be the brightest of bulbs (click here for her stance on drugs), shenanigans has to be called on Channel 4 for not showing that other, nicer quote.

So, don't let them or any of the other local news outlets get a rise out of you with this idiotic sensationalism. Please, for the love of God, ignore it and hopefully it'll go away.

This Internet Has Everything

If you're a collector of vintage menswear worn by Pittsburgh newscasters from days gone by, you've come to the right blog. No doubt you'll appreciate this item currently up for bid on eBay:

That's right, it's a dress shirt worn by KDKA's legendary news anchor Bill Burns. Now's the time to get onboard, as the bidding sits at $14.50.

As a side note, intensive searches for Mike Boguslawski's pants have yielded no results, but we'll keep you posted.

Broadcast Nudes

The glory that is "sweeps week" is upon us and that means we get two things from our local newscasts:

1. Stories about sex
2. Stories about Steelers who are having sex

WTAE is in the lead so far with a story focusing on morning anchor Kelly Frey taking "pole dancing" classes:

"Moves like the ballerina, the pretzel and the backward bend will make you sweat."

The upside, of course, is that at least they didn't assign Jim Parsons to this story.

Dim the lights and watch WTAE's subtley titled "Kelly Frey's On The Pole" video by clicking here.

The second piece, which you'll find here, was apparently written by one of the interns who's been killing time surfing the internet:

"Several Web sites are linking Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger with Canadian model and actress Missy Peregrym."

The story goes on to tell us that she's most recently been hired to appear on the show "Heroes".

All we ask is that you keep an eye on him, Missy. Keep him away from the motorcycles and anything that might damage his internal organs.

Save the quarterback, save the team, babe.

Dude, KDKA Has Your Back

As the local TV stations continue to suckle every last drop of milk from Mother Nature's wintry teat, KDKA has found the angle that allows them to tie the bad weather to Valentine's Day:

"One can't help but wonder, with these adverse weather conditions, will it make it all the more difficult for Valentine's Day deliveries. Preparing for the wicked weather conditions is only half the battle."
-KDKA.com

Great. Not only do they want us to believe that we're going to die at the hands of "the worst snowstorm of the season", but now they're harshing our mellow with the news that the over-priced flowers and mylar balloons we've ordered may not make it to our loved ones in time for Valentine's Day.

On the otherrrr hannnnd...

If you forgot Valentine's Day, you can just print the story and show it to your signifigant other, while grumbling incoherently about the "stupid weather".

Thanks, KD!

Bill Cowher's Colon Is Fine

It's good to know that when there's an impending crisis, the local news stations are keeping a close eye on the situation.

Case in point, the "Channel 11 Coach Cowher Watch" which features minute-by-minute updates on the employment status of the head coach of our beloved Steelers. Some excerpts:

• Tuesday, 1/2 at 12 p.m. -- Channel 11 sports reporter Rich Walsh was at the news conference and said Bill Cowher did not speak about his future with the team.
  

• Tuesday, 1/2 at 1:30 p.m. -- Channel 11's Rich Walsh reports the Steelers have no comment so far.
  

• Tuesday, 1/2 at 3:30 p.m. -- There is no official comment from Steelers.

Thanks, WPXI!

If I remember correctly, the coverage wasn't this close when the Pope was on his death bed a couple of years ago.

Not to be outdone, WTAE's Sally Wiggin has announced plans for a special report called "A Journey Inside Greatness: The Bill Cowher Colonoscopy". Watch for the DVD, available at Wal-Mart in time for Valentine's Day.

Things I've Noticed: Chester Drawers Edition

• Dennis Bowman gave a 14-day weather forecast on last night's news on KDKA on the CW which used to be the WB or CNN or whateverthehell. A 14-day forecast?? I've never had a problem with Dennis Bowman (or his creepy-ass puppet that I'm sure opens its' eyes in the middle of the night) and I certainly know jack squat about meteorology, but I do know that, with all their Severe Viper Doppler Radar equipment, none of these people seem to be able to predict the weekend weather correctly before Friday morning, let alone 14 days in advance.

• Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm Pittsburgh welcome to... the West Nile Virus! EVERYBODY PANIC (This message brought to you by Ralph's Army Surplus in Monroeville, where they'll meet or beat any deal on duct tape and gas masks!)

• Big Ben no longer gets my sympathy for playing through all his injuries. Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Chris Simms had to have his SPLEEN REMOVED after getting pounded by the Carolina Panthers. Big Daddy Drew at Kissing Suzy Kolber thinks the Panthers should get to keep the spleen as a trophy. I can't argue.

• An update to an earlier post: The Transportation Security Administration now allows you to carry some liquids and gels onto airplanes. Scissors, knitting needles, and screwdrivers still ok, too; pudding, not so much. Bill Cosby must be inconsolable.
  

Somewhere, The Four Horsemen Are Saddling Up

From the "Latest Sign That The Apocalypse Is Almost Here" Department:

The local news outlets are bending over backwards to get you the breaking story that a 4-legged chicken has been found in Somerset, PA. According to her owner, Henrietta The Chicken is as healthy as can be, despite having two extra, non-functioning feet that she drags behind her when she walks.

Watch Channel 4 News tonight for Sally Wiggin's intimate, one-on-one interview with Harriet, in which she finds out if the chicken believes this is Coach Cowher's final season with the Steelers.

Because at WTAE, News Comes First!*



*Provided that news is about the Steelers or deformed chickens.