Things I Enjoy: The Monkey Edition

After the long weekend off, we should ease back into things. And what better way to get back on track than a video of a monkey going nuts on a nightly news set:



You're welcome.

The True Meaning Of The Holidays

As we officially enter into the Holiday Season this week, click here for a short film that puts it all in perspective, courtesy of Homestar Runner.

Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Decemberween.

The War On Thanksgiving

With all other problems in the world solved, today the President will take time to pardon a turkey. It's become a yearly tradition and a lot of people are fine with it. But I'll tell you what I believe. I believe the Turkey-Americans are trying to hijack this country and it's our duty to stop them.

By eating them.

If these birds had their way, we'd all be saying "Happy Turkey Day" instead of "Happy Thanksgiving" in November. Well, I, for one, am fed up. (Not literally, of course. That will happen on Thursday.)

Shortly after violently ripping this land from its' natives grasp many years ago, our forefathers founded this country on Thanksgiving. It's time to steal it back again, this time from our avian enemies.

Join me in refusing to shop at any grocery store that doesn't allow its' workers to use the word "Thanksgiving".

We need to stop these turkeys. So eat one this Thursday.

Do it for America.

Can't Fight This Feeling

Very... warm... in... office...

Want to... make fun of... Browns...

Can't... find... energy...

z-z-z-z-z-z

Friday Football Profile: Cleveland Browns

Part of a continuing series designed to help you learn more about the Steelers' upcoming opponents. In the words of Michael Corleone, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

Ok, I admit it. Back in the day of Bernie Kosar, I liked the Browns.

For those who don't remember, Bernie was an awkward, gangly, sloppy-looking guy who couldn't run and threw the ball with a weird, side-armed kind of a toss. Let's just say I could relate.

But you had to have some respect for the Browns back then-at least a little- because they got the job done. At least up until the point when they would implode at the hands of John Elway and the Denver Broncos, one game before the Super Bowl. Which happened every year from the mid-to late 80s.

Soon, though, things changed. Art Modell ripped the team from Cleveland and transplanted it to Baltimore. The Browns were no more.

But a few years later, like the kid in "Pet Sematary", the Browns came back from the dead. Also like the kid in "Pet Sematary", the resurrected Browns came back slow, dumb, and stinky. And have been ever since.

So there's not much respect anymore for these things that call themselves "Browns". Hell, I don't think anyone even knows who plays for the Browns these days. Charlie Whatzisface at Quarterback? Braywell Somethingorother at Wide Receiver? Who knows. I don't have the time or the patience to research it. And one can only guess what it must feel like to be a true Browns fan these days.

Now, don't get me wrong. A game played in Cleveland can still be entertaining. For example, occasionally, fans will run onto the field and get leveled by James Harrison. And I think we can all agree that you just can't put a price tag on something like that.

So, enjoy the game and stay off the field.

Or better yet, go for it...

For The Stoner Who Has Everything

Shunned by the opposite sex, Chuck and Artie would later turn to each other for meaningful companionship.

Here's a gift idea for that hard-to-shop-for pothead on your Christmas list: the wireless air guitar t-shirt.

"The 'wearable instrument shirt,' or WIS, senses the movements of your flailing arms and wirelessly transmits them to a computer for generation of your masterpiece."
-scifi.com

Jeff Spicoli would be stoked.

You can totally click here for some, like, strange, psychadelic footage of the shirt in action, man.

Well, There's Something You Don't See Everyday

In case you needed further proof that the animals are rising up against us, a deer broke into Mellon Bank at the Waterworks Mall this morning:

"Knocking over furniture and jumping over desks -- all captured on bank surveillance video -- the deer stayed inside for about 45 minutes until officers could shoo it back outside."
-thepittsburghchannel.com

In other news, I'll be handing out free stabbings to anyone who says "it was just looking for a few bucks."

More Catchphrases On The Way

For the uninitiated, here's a look at Sacha Baron Cohen's next overexposed character, the gay fashion icon Brüno. Study it now so you'll be able to impress friends and co-workers by pronouncing "Schwansenshtucker" properly when the movie comes out in a few years:

Was It Good For You?

"Winning remind me of sexytime! High fiiive!"

See? It happens to every team occasionally.

Although it was a struggle at times, the Steelers let go of the self-doubt and accepted that the problem was all in their heads. They relaxed, put their Willie up against the Saints' Bush and let nature take its' course.

Elsewhere, hopefully the Penguins were paying attention and can get off the schneid by putting their puck in the crease tonight.

Ok, I've officially creeped myself out.

And It Continues

On this coming Monday night's newscast, WTAE will feature a story on the "Fitness Secrets of the Steelers' Wives". Needless to say, I can't wait for this hard-hitting journalistic piece to hit the airwaves, so in anticipation, I've composed some haikus:


Steelers' wives in shape,
Free weights and machines, I'd guess
But what of their hair?


Women working out,
Steeler spouses staying fit
Get here fast, Monday


Steelers' other halves
always work out and eat right
Porter's dogs eat horse

Because You Needed To Know

WTAE has finally asked the question that, obviously, is on everyone's mind: What do Jerome Bettis' parents think of the Steelers' problems?

"I told you what I think: they need the Bus," said Gladys. "They need the Bus."
-thepittsburghchannel.com

Look, Channel 4. We Pittsburghers don't want to seem ingrateful or unappreciative, but this just isn't gonna cut it. We deserve to have you ask the tough questions.

IN WHAT SECRET SALON DO JOHN AND GLADYS BETTIS GET THEIR HAIR CUT??!?

Friday Football Profile: New Orleans Saints

Part of a continuing series designed to help you learn more about the Steelers' upcoming opponents. In the words of Michael Corleone, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

Remember the movie The Usual Suspects? The ending was great: Chazz Palmintieri as the detective, standing in his office trying to figure out who the mysterious Keyser Soze is, when, all of a sudden, the pieces start falling into place. As he realizes it’s a gimpy Kevin Spacey, we see the club-footed Spacey hobbling down the street, gradually straightening out his leg, and finally walking normally. It’s a shocker; Spacey’s not who we thought he was all along.


This also describes the 2006 Chocolate City Saints, who are just full of surprises. They managed to straighten out their club foot and have shocked everybody by earning a mid-season, first place record of 6 and 2. And in the wide receiver position, you’ll find their Keyser Soze.


While fans and pundits have been making non-stop, sweet, verbal man-love to rookie running back Reggie Bush, rookie wide receiver Marques Colston (a 7th round, 252nd overall draft pick) has quietly shambled his way into Rookie of the Year contention. Hopefully, whichever un-demoted Steelers cornerback is covering him on Sunday will figure this out before Colston has left Heinz Field and climbed into a cab.

Another player to be wary of, of course, is the Saints' QB, Drew Brees. Despite having a name that sounds like it belongs to the manager of a Pier 1, Brees was honored as last week’s NFC Offensive Player of the Week. The good news for the Steelers is that Brees may lose focus on the game, distracted by thoughts of his psychotic mother, whom he recently threatened to sue for using his image in a political ad. If there’s a God, Joey Porter will be wearing a microphone and will try to find a way to incorporate this into his trash talking.

And finally, there’s the Saints’ veteran wide receiver, Joe Horn, who was thrust into the national spotlight a few years ago for a touchdown celebration that had him pulling a cell phone out of the goal post padding to mime a celebratory phone call to his mom. Needless to say, the crotchety old white guys in suits that run the NFL were none too happy and Horn had to cancel the following week’s TD celebration, in which he planned to wheel a small computer desk and chair out into the end zone and then pantomime writing a celebratory e-mail to his cousin June Bug, on his father’s side.

Enjoy the game and sorry if I ruined the movie for you.
(You really should have seen it by now.)

That's All, Folks

Well, election day is behind us now. No more bad TV ads, no more ads that condemn dirty ads while being dirty themselves, no more annoying political signs, no more candidates leaving their paraphernalia for me to find on my freaking porch every night.

I'm just bummed that my favorite candidate, Phillip Morris NaPier, didn't win Maine's governor's race. It's not every day we get to see a gubernatorial debate in which one of the candidates asks for for a pardon for himself and all the other convicted felons in the state. Also, he showed up wearing overalls, with his dog next to him.

Because anytime there's a dog on stage at a political debate, I am so there.

Early And Often

Today's the day. You know what to do.

We've Come To A Decision

Less than 24 hours until election day and, after much thought and deliberation, Dorothy Mantooth has decided to endorse Josh Jennings for Congress:


If you're not sold yet, here's another:

Excuse Me While I Vent

With the midterm elections coming up on Tuesday, we have some big choices to make. And I have a few questions.

One of the main talking points I'm hearing over and over is the G.O.P. saying that if the Democrats win the House and Senate on Tuesday, they'll just raise your taxes. To which the Democrats reply, "Oh, that's just not true."

Now, I think you and I can agree that nobody wants taxes raised, right? But my question is: at this point, don't we have to raise taxes? At least some? George H. W. Bush ran into this problem in his administration and, while everyone mocked him for going back on his "no new taxes" promise, at least he put the good of the country before his own political welfare.

Love him or hate him, it's called taking one for the team. It's called personal sacrifice.

We're in a war right now that experts are predicting will cost our country in excess of 2 trillion dollars. So, whether you agree with the cause or not, I think you'd have to admit that we have a big problem on our hands now. And, aside from those who are serving or those with loved ones in Iraq, who among us has really sacrificed for this war we're in?

In wars past, people back here at home made real sacrifices, be they in the form of a mandatory draft, by selling war bonds, or by playing the role of "Rosie the Riveter" and helping the effort through hard work in factories and shipyards, making materials and munitions.

I have been asked to do nothing for this war. I've actually been told that if I don't go to the mall, the terrorists win.

Are the Democrats so spineless that they're afraid to say that we, as a country, might actually have to tighten our belts and make a sacrifice or two, not only for our people risking their lives in Iraq, but also for the sake of our children and our children's children?

And are the Republicans so negligent that they keep spending money like Elton John in a jewelry store, comforted by the knowledge that future generations will have to figure out a way to pay this war off?

I just get sick of no one wanting to take ownership for what our government has done. The Republican party and those who subscribe to its' philosophies (yes, the same people who love to preach about "taking personal responsibilty") don't want to be bothered with helping to pay the bill. And the Democratic party just wants to quietly bury its' head in the sand and say nothing, so everyone will like them.

The bottom line is that we haven't been asked to make a sacrifice because the politicians haven't wanted us to constantly be reminded that we're at war. That would be very, very bad for their lucrative political careers.

So, any politician who's not afraid to stop coddling us... any politician who knows that the gigantic elephant in the room may hurt him or her politically and yet still has the bravery to acknowledge it? That's the person I'd like to vote for.

Because, as one of the smartest people I know so succinctly put it, "Rome is burning and we're makin' s'mores."

Friday Football Profile: Denver Broncos

Part of a continuing series designed to help you learn more about the Steelers' upcoming opponents. In the words of Michael Corleone, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

The Las Vegas oddsmakers can tell you a lot about the Denver Broncos. Locked in a first place tie with the Chargers in the AFC West, the Broncs have earned a record of 5-2, the mirror image of the Steelers' 2-5 standing. And yet, Denver is somehow a 2.5 point underdog coming into Sunday's game at Heinz Field. Let's see if we can figure out why:

First, since the Steelers have become known for their trick or "gadget" plays, I don't think the gamblers want to rule out the possibilty of Coach Cowher putting Joey Porter's dogs in the game for at least a play or two. It probably would catch the Broncos off-guard and really, what could it hurt at this point?

Secondly, Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer has been known to bear a striking resemblance to Chris Robinson from the Black Crowes and, often times plays like you'd expect Chris Robinson would if you suited him up. While in a cocaine-induced haze. Which he pretty much always is.

Thirdly, if you do a Google image search for "Denver Broncos fan", here's the picture that comes up: I'm not sure that a photo of a some dude getting ready to whip out his rocky mountain oysters had any bearing on the line for Sunday's game, but I will tell you this: it scared me. And since I don't like to be afraid alone, I decided to bring you into my world. Please accept my apologies.

Giddyup and enjoy the game.

Watch Your Nuts

Now here's a story I like. From lovely Oil City, PA...

When Squirrels Attack Postal Service Workers:

“It was a freak thing. It was traumatic,” Dougherty told The Derrick newspaper. “I saw it there on the porch, put the mail in the box and turned to walk away and it jumped on me.”
-globeandmail.com

And my new favorite website? I think it might be this.

Where Split Ends Aren't Allowed And Clipping Is Encouraged

Ahhh, sweeps week. The time of the year when the TV networks desperately try to grab your attention with unusual and, sometimes, controversial programming.

Here in Pittsburgh, sweeps week always equals the 3 local "newscasts" trying to somehow fit the Steelers into their "news". Steelers, Steelers, and Steelers. Or anything that even remotely involves a Steeler. Or kind of sounds like the word "Steelers". In other words, they assume that all of their viewers are sitting in front of the TV, dressed like the guy shown in the picture.

For example, last night on WTAE, Sally Wiggin did a powerful and insightful story on the beauty salon owned by Steelers' DB Mike Logan. Not to be outdone, WPXI will have a story tonight about the "secret" salon where the Steelers get their hair cut.

Now, I'm as big of a football fan as the next guy... but come on.

Where do they get their pedicures done??!?!

You've gotta dig deeper, Pittsburgh News Broadcasters.

You're better than this.