Meet The New Year, Same As The Old Year

We're all about being unique here in Pittsburgh. While some cities drop a ball at midnight on New Year's Eve, we here in the burgh will raise a ball at 12am. (Yeah! Suck it, New York!)

But before you get too excited thinking about how revolutionary we are, check out what some other cities do to ring in the New Year:

"You've likely seen that ball in Times Square, at least on TV. But you might not believe all the weird stuff rising and dropping to ring in 2007 all over the country, from Flagstaff, Arizona's pinecone to Port Clinton, Ohio's 20-foot, 600-pound 'Wylie the Walleye.'"
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Now, I know what you're thinking. With "Clinton" in the town's name, the easy joke would be to ask why they don't drop a pair of pants when the clock strikes twelve. But screw you. I'm not about the easy joke.

And how can you top lowering a 600 lb fish to ring in the new year? Once again, just when we get excited about being "different", the Post Gazette is the sobering yin to our raging yang.

*Ok, I admit this post is filler, but I figured you needed something to clear the Jeff Reed story out of your brain.

I'll Take Some Eye Bleach Over Here, Please

Interesting post about Steeler kicker Jeff Reed on the great sports blog deadspin.com a couple of days ago. And, by "interesting", I mean "terrifying":

"The story goes that Reed was hitting on these two ladies, was eventually shot down, and then Jeff Reed did what any of us would have done: he stood in front of a mirror, pushed his pants down, and took a picture of the top of his junk."

It's not known if he: (1) cut a hole in a box and then, (2) put his aforementioned junk in that box, but if you're really curious, click here for the wang shot. Don't say I didn't warn you, though.

There are some things you can't un-see.

Merry Christmas

Law And Order: Christmas Intent

When Santa's past finally catches up with him:

Giving The Gift Of Giggles

This video doesn't technically have anything to do with the holidays, but I believe that the joy you'll feel in your heart is undeniable:

Come For The Holiday Spirit, Stay For The Cracked Ribs

This week's Festival of Stupid Videos continues with a cautionary tale from the North Pole. Don't drink and drive a sleigh, kids:

For That Hard-To-Buy-For Person On Your List

We're a week away from Christmas and if you're a last-minute shopper, here's a gift idea from Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake, of all people:

Blue Man Group

The next time you're fantasizing about how you'd pull off the perfect bank heist, you should probably dream up a better getaway vehicle than the city bus:

"Authorities said the man robbed the bank, and then boarded a Port Authority bus that was headed outbound on Forbes Avenue. Police said a dye pack the man was carrying exploded on the bus, causing the driver to stop and evacuate passangers."
-thepittsburghchannel.com

I guess every criminal has to start out somewhere. You have to knock over a few banks or convenience stores before you can afford to upgrade to a real getaway car. It would be great if this guy could team up with the umbrella guy, though. Maybe one of them could get the money, while the other stands to the side with a boom box that's playing the Benny Hill theme as a soundtrack.

As a side note, assuming it hasn't been proofread by the time you get to the link, the misspelling of "passangers" in the story can be credited to thepittsburghchannel.com. WTAE- Where Spellling Comes Third, Possibly Fourth!

Buyer Beware

Like clockwork, it's that time of year when I, like most guys, come out of my mental haze and figure out that I should start thinking about buying Christmas presents. And every year it gets harder. I don't know what to buy anyone anymore.

But I do know what not to buy:

A Bow Tie

A great aunt once gave me a bow tie for Christmas when I was a kid. I guess it was sort of a crossroads for me; had I embraced it, I could have ended up a total choad, like Tucker Carlson. I actually remember thinking, "What could possibly make her believe that I would ever wear a bow tie???" Like I needed another reason to be chased home after school. As a side note, even Tucker Carlson has abandoned the bow tie (of course, only after having his smug ass handed to him by Jon Stewart).

The Dora The Explorer Aquapet:

Look. Just... don't.
And yes, this is real.
(Might actually make a good gift for Tucker, now that I think about it.)


A "2-Bigg MC" cassette tape

A friend gave this to me for Christmas when we were in Junior High School and, while I'm sure that M.C. Hammer's... umm... M.C. has many done many good things in his life, this is not one of them. And now that I think about it, why did M.C. Hammer need another M.C. around? I mean, most parties require a maximum of one M.C., I would assume, right? Maybe he would just take over when Hammer was on a smoke break or trying to hurt 'em. What were we talking about again?

Permanent Markers
'nuff said.

Let Me Know When Catwoman Shows Up

From Sunday's Pittsburgh Post Gazette:

"A man armed only with an umbrella and extra layers of clothing robbed a Downtown bank yesterday afternoon."

No word if a propeller popped out of the top of the umbrella, allowing the thief to fly away with the money. Or if the bank keeps its money in bags with giant dollar signs on them. But, in my mind, both of those things happened.

Friday Football Profile: Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Warm and Fuzzy Edition)

The pattern which seems to have emerged is the following:

1. On Friday, I mock the Steelers' upcoming opponent.

2. On Sunday, the aforementioned opponent takes the Steelers out back, behind the woodshed, and kicks them square in the nuts. Repeatedly.

So, this week, we'll try a different approach. Reverse psychology, if you will.


Here are just some of the many great things about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers!

• Their current quarterback, Bruce Gradkolozswesczowski, is from Pittsburgh! So, even if we lose, we still win! Unfortunately, he must not be that important to the Buccaneers, since they haven't bothered to put his picture on their website. But, I mean, he's only their starting quarterback, so it's no big deal.

• Jon Gruden, the Buccaneers' head coach, is often compared with horror fan favorite, Chucky the killer doll! And much like Coach Cowher of previous seasons, if things don't go Gruden's way, he'll give you the frowning of a lifetime.
  

• At cornerback, you'll find Tiki Barber! Or Ronde Barber. Wait. Sean Alexander? It gets a little confusing, but I'm pretty sure he's the guy who likes to go on and on about his success while driving a Cadillac in those commercials. Whoever he is, I'm sure the Steelers are in for some spirited trash talking!

• They have cheerleaders! The Tampa Bay... Buccarettes... or something like that! Although they don't travel with the team, feel free to print out the picture to your right and throw a beer at it when the Buccaneers score for the fifth time this Sunday. Or do whatever you want to it. What you do in the privacy of your own home is your business, perv. Just leave me out of it and aim for the sweet spot between the chestal region and the chin. Good times!

Ahoy, matey, and enjoy the game.