Pirates Baseball: We Will Come Hungry, So Catch It!

A sense of hope fills the air this week in Western Pennsylvania, as our beloved Pittsburgh Pirates get set to take to the field tomorrow for their first spring training game. It's always a time of unbridled optimism; the Buccos will be able to play for at least six to eight more weeks without the cloud of mathematical elimination looming overhead.

It's also when we're first exposed to the Pirates marketing plan, specifically their slogan. The buzz is that the wizards who came up with "Come Hungry" will be implimenting "We Will" again this year, since that worked so well last year and no one added their own, mocking ending to it.

Just in case they decide not to go with "We Will", here are a few other options; feel free to vote for your favorite:

What should the Pirates' 2007 slogan be?
	Pirates Baseball: After hockey, what else are you gonna watch, the Xplosion?
	Pirates Baseball: Like watching a monkey try to f--k a football
	Pirates Fever: It's better than Hepititis A
	Pirates Baseball: Yeah, like you could do better, fatty
pollcode.com free polls

Things Not To Do On A Thursday Night

In case you missed it last week, Franklin Township checked in with a solid contender for Criminal of the Month:

"Police said around 11:30 p.m. Thursday, Houk pulled into the police station parking lot and asked for help changing a flat tire. Police said the tire had been torn from the rim and the side mirror was crushed.
Police said Houk became verbally combative when they asked him to take a field sobriety test, and once placed under arrest, Houk hit an officer in the face, then put his head down and charged at the officers, knocking them to the ground. Police said they used a stun gun to subdue Houk.
Houk had a blood-alcohol content of 0.18 percent, police said."
- timesonline.com

It's really difficult to choose which part of this scenario is the most awesome:

The fact that he pulled into a police station while drunk? Maybe.

The fact that the cops got all tasery on him? Possibly.

However, for my money, the best part is that the moron "put his head down and charged at the officers, knocking them to the ground", a technique made famous by Bald Bull in the "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out" video game. That's just old-school stupid.

Costly Card

If you're a baseball card collector and you recently sensed a disturbance in the force, as if millions of dollars were suddenly paid for a small piece of cardboard, here's why:

"The 'Holy Grail of baseball cards,' the famous 1909 Honus Wagner tobacco card once owned by hockey great Wayne Gretzky, has sold for a record-setting $2,350,000, the seller of the card said Monday."
-startribune.com

The buyer is remaining anonymous, presumably because his wife would would stomp his ass. That being said, there are about 60 of these cards, featuring the Pirates' shortstop, in existence, but this one's the most well preserved.

The moral of the story? You never know what the crap in your attic or basement might be worth someday. So, take good care of that card featuring 1997 Pirates' shortstop Kevin Polcovich, kids! (It's apparently so rare that I couldn't even find a picture of it!)

Stone Cold

This weekend, all the buzz in the entertainment industry was about the Oscars, but the real stars shined (or fell, depending on your perspective) at the Razzy Awards on Saturday, where Meadville, PA's own Sharon Stone ruled the night:

"'Instinct 2' -- known to Razzie organizers as "Basically, It Stinks, Too" -- won four awards overall, including worst screenplay, worst prequel or sequel and worst actress for Stone, who was mocked for her poorly presented physical assets as well as her performance."

-CNN.com

The saddest news from the story is that Sharon's movie actually did worse than the Wayans Brothers' "Little Man". Once you get to the point where people are saying that Wayans Brothers movies are better than yours, it's probably time to try another, more decent and honorable line of work. Like cleaning poop at the circus or managing Ryan Seacrest.

Around The Way: Pissed Off Chimp Edition

Links to odd stories and posts from Pittsburgh and around the world:

• Questions to think about before tying the knot, Part Deux. [Tunesmith & Anthony]
  
• Because it's Thursday: Britney Spears wearing ball-hugger shorts, beating the crap out of a car with an umbrella. [The Superficial]
• Forget Britney, maybe monkey spears should be our main concern. [BBC News]
• KFC is aiming for a "higher power" to promote its' new menu item. [msnbc]
• Not sure if we'll be able to count on Bruce Willis for this one. [The Goosepath]
  

Let's Start The Healing

Here at Dorothy Mantooth, the last thing we want to do is write about Anna Nicole Smith. However, we believe that we have something potentially important to add to the debate that could put the ugly court battles to rest. To find the true identity of Dannie Lynn's father, there's only one person to call on:

Maury Povich.

Think about it. Whether he's sending our out of control kids to boot camp, employing the sleeveless Dee West to empower our abused wives or curing us of our long-standing fear of mustard and pickles, surely we can all agree that Maury is America's Healer.

But it's his prowess as paternity tester that we, as a nation, desperately need right now:



So, we're begging you, Maury: go to that courthouse. Cue up "I Like The Way You Move" by Outkast or "Come On Ride The Train" by Quad City DJ's and tell us who the baby daddy is.

Only after the music has stopped and Larry Birkhead has finished popping and locking, will we finally be able to heal and get back to focusing on the real issues facing this country. Like Britney Spears' mental health.

Help us, Maury Povich. You're our only hope.

Movie Review: "The Number 23"

About midway through the premiere of the new thriller "The Number 23", starring Jim Carrey, I realized that the phrase "This movie is extremely bad" contains 23 letters.

Coincidence? I think not.

This Internet Has Everything

If you're a collector of vintage menswear worn by Pittsburgh newscasters from days gone by, you've come to the right blog. No doubt you'll appreciate this item currently up for bid on eBay:

That's right, it's a dress shirt worn by KDKA's legendary news anchor Bill Burns. Now's the time to get onboard, as the bidding sits at $14.50.

As a side note, intensive searches for Mike Boguslawski's pants have yielded no results, but we'll keep you posted.

Springsteen Is Still The Man

The story goes that Bruce Springsteen had just arrived in Denmark. His tour had him winding through Oslo, Norway and he was scheduled to perform a couple of nights later in Copenhagen.

As he was walking by himself, exploring the streets of Copenhagen, Bruce happened upon a street musician named Jon Magnusson and the two of them treated a small (but appreciative and growing) crowd to an impromptu performance of The River:

Broadcast Nudes

The glory that is "sweeps week" is upon us and that means we get two things from our local newscasts:

1. Stories about sex
2. Stories about Steelers who are having sex

WTAE is in the lead so far with a story focusing on morning anchor Kelly Frey taking "pole dancing" classes:

"Moves like the ballerina, the pretzel and the backward bend will make you sweat."

The upside, of course, is that at least they didn't assign Jim Parsons to this story.

Dim the lights and watch WTAE's subtley titled "Kelly Frey's On The Pole" video by clicking here.

The second piece, which you'll find here, was apparently written by one of the interns who's been killing time surfing the internet:

"Several Web sites are linking Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger with Canadian model and actress Missy Peregrym."

The story goes on to tell us that she's most recently been hired to appear on the show "Heroes".

All we ask is that you keep an eye on him, Missy. Keep him away from the motorcycles and anything that might damage his internal organs.

Save the quarterback, save the team, babe.

Love Is In The Air

I believe it was the 17th century Japanese poet Basho who once said:

"Love is like oxygen/ you get too much you get too high/ not enough and you're gonna die/ love gets you high"*

So, in that spirit, we here at Dorothy Mantooth wish you the happiest and most successful of Valentine's Days, whether that means finding your one true soul mate, getting a quickie with Sidney Crosby after tonight's Pens-Blackhawks game or avoiding the authorities after setting fire to the house of the person who ripped your heart out.

And, as our Valentine to you, please accept this quiz to find out what your sexy Brazilian name is (and, of course, feel free to share it with us in the comments section):

Your Sexy Brazilian Name is:

Marcello Mendes

What's Your Sexy Brazilian Name?

* Some historians claim that it was not Basho, but 70's glam-rockers "Sweet" who penned those famous words, but I think we can all agree that both employed thoughtful lyrics and tightly compressed high-pitched backing vocal harmonies, can't we?
-Marcello

Dude, KDKA Has Your Back

As the local TV stations continue to suckle every last drop of milk from Mother Nature's wintry teat, KDKA has found the angle that allows them to tie the bad weather to Valentine's Day:

"One can't help but wonder, with these adverse weather conditions, will it make it all the more difficult for Valentine's Day deliveries. Preparing for the wicked weather conditions is only half the battle."
-KDKA.com

Great. Not only do they want us to believe that we're going to die at the hands of "the worst snowstorm of the season", but now they're harshing our mellow with the news that the over-priced flowers and mylar balloons we've ordered may not make it to our loved ones in time for Valentine's Day.

On the otherrrr hannnnd...

If you forgot Valentine's Day, you can just print the story and show it to your signifigant other, while grumbling incoherently about the "stupid weather".

Thanks, KD!

Stay Classy, House Of Representatives!

There's an old saying on the floor of the House: "You can pick your seat, just don't pick your nose. And eat the boogers."

For further proof that the people running our government are more like a bunch of fourth-graders than we'd like to admit, click on the video below and watch the gentleman in the background on the right:

Although it hasn't been confirmed, the general consensus is that the guy digging for gold and then eating his boogers is not "Spalding" from Caddyshack, but Ohio's 1st District congressman Steve Chabot.

God Bless America and have a great weekend!

**UPDATE**
It now appears that secret government agents have made the above video disappear, just as they did with the Area 51 aliens, Bigfoot, and Britney Spears' underpants. Or, it could have been C-Span's lawyers that had the clip removed. Either way, it takes more than that to quell the tenacity of nerds on the internet. You can still see the footage here.

¡Las vidas de la revolución del booger!

Around The Way: Be Careful Head Edition

Links to odd stories and posts from around the internets:

• The best videogame ever, if you're into obnoxious blowhards with clown-orange combovers. [The Last Boss]
• Safeguard yourself from fire, theft, robbery, and dishonest trick; translation problems with Chinese signs. [pbase.com]
• If you want to flip off a cop in Pittsburgh, keep the ACLU's number handy. [WTAE]
• Cancel your weekend plans; here's a webcam that allows you to watch cheese age. [CheddarVision]
• John Mayer: Musician, Peanut Butter Enthusiast. [John Mayer's Blog]
  

Who Knew Salt Truck Drivers Lead Such Exciting Lives?

According to KDKA, life can get pretty hectic for the people who keep our roads clean in the winter:

"The salt truck driver put his truck into gear and drove for more than a mile as he was being chased by the shooters."
-kdka.com

Wow. Tough day at the office.

Thankfully the driver is ok, but you've got to think that he'll just be an insufferable prick at work from now on:

Driver 1: Hey, what's up Frank?

Driver 2: Man, tough run today.

Driver 1: Really? What happened?

Driver 2: Oh, jeez. The roads are just terrible. The snow keeps coming down, I could hardly see, people around me are driving like a-holes, and you know how the salt trucks handle; I almost went off the road three times.

Driver 1: Wow. Yeah, that reminds me of the time I WAS BEING CHASED FOR MORE THAN A MILE BY PEOPLE WHO WERE SHOOTING AT THE WOUNDED GUY HANGING FROM MY SIDE-VIEW MIRROR.

(awkward silence)

Driver 2: Yeah, I forg-

Driver 1: SHUT THE F--K UP!

Hey, Morons, Leave The Chin Alone

Well, it's been all of about 30 days since we've seen him, so last night's "Catching Up With Bill Cowher" story on WPXI obviously makes perfect sense. Something tells me we're gonna see one of these every... oh, I dunno... sweeps week, maybe?

In other news, people who film videos like the one below might be the reason The Chin threw in the terrible towel in the first place:

In Case Of A Water Landing, Casey Hampton Can Be Used As A Floatation Device

U.S. Airways has announced the development of a new plane:

"The airliner is talking about creating a Steelers-themed plane this year. According to the Beaver County Times, the plane would feature the team's colors and logo."
-thepittsburghchannel.com

I think I speak for most of Pittsburgh when I say, "hopefully it's not designed after the 2006 season."