Miller Time

Update on a former Steeler and our favorite member of the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame: punter Josh Miller was released by the Patriots last week and he made some interesting comments on his way out the door:

“It was a great time. Before I got here, I never realized that coaches actually won games. Now I know I probably should have won more at the other teams I played for.”
-The Boston Herald

So, a little slap at Bill Cowher? Seems understandable, considering how Cowher would gently reprimand him on the sidelines when Josh would shank the rare punt for the Steelers. And by "gently reprimand him", of course, I mean "scream in his face". But that's what endeared him to Steeler fans; who among us couldn't relate to being yelled at by our jerk-off boss?

Through it all, though, Josh remained undaunted and loyal. Even to the point of actually giving his son Caleb the middle name "Steele", which, we now know, is certainly better than giving him the middle name "McBeam".

Thanks for the good memories, Josh. We wish you the best and continued success. You'll always be number 4 to us.

Begun, The Cone Wars Have

The world's angriest (and greatest?) ice cream man, Nazzareno Didiano (immortalized in song here), was back in court yesterday and the prosecution had a lot to say about his unique style of handling competing ice cream vendors:

"I was terrified," said Murphy. "I was terrified. He pulled a knife out on me in front of children and adults. He threatened me, then he threatened the vehicle, then he punctured a hole in the vehicle tire."
-The Pittsburgh Channel

A couple of quick thoughts. First of all, if you're trying to get a vehicle to leave the premises, cutting it's tires probably isn't the most cunning of plans. You've gotta think these things through, Nazz.

Secondly, the story quotes Nazz as saying that he trained this lady in the ice cream arts before she went on to try to steal his business by taking over his route. So, naturally he tried to stab her. History hasn't seen a betrayal of this magnitude since Anakin Skywalker turned on Obi Wan Kenobi. The only real difference is that instead of light sabers, these two carry Choco-Tacos.

The adventure continues at a courthouse near you on September 10th.

Frankeneinstein

If you enjoy reading the occasional biography, pick up Walter Isaacson's Einstein: His Life and Universe. It's a pretty compelling read that made me want to scour the internet for more info about the great physicist. That's when I stumbled across this video of a Korean robot with Einstein's head attached:



Creepy? Cool? I'll go with the latter, although if it was just the two of us together on a stormy night, he'd be spending some time in the closet.

More info here.

The Price's Blight

Generally speaking, it's tough to name people from Cleveland who are cool and entertaining, but Drew Carey is the exception to that rule. That's why it's unfortunate (read: "funny") that he's been injured while practicing to take over the hosting duties on The Price Is Right:

Carey got his arm caught in a rotating apparatus while rehearsing leading a contestant through playing one of “Price’s” longest running competitions, the “Grocery Game.”
-Access Hollywood

Really? The Grocery Game? Isn't that the one where you just guess the prices of different things? I'm no doctor (or am I?), but I would have guessed that the worst that could happen with that one would be getting a mild headache. If you'd asked me, I would have told you that spinning the big wheel was the most dangerous part of the show. Or being attacked by a Samoan.

Pictures of Drew's jacked up arm can be found here.

And Now, A Public Service Announcement

Occasionally, people who aren't from Pittsburgh stumble onto this humble blog. Some accidentally land here while searching for porn, while others simply suffer from dementia and arrive here by randomly hitting letters on their keyboards.

At any pace, for those not native to Western Pennsylvania who might wonder what a "yinzer" is, the answer comes when there are 21 seconds left in the following video:

An Open Letter To Steely McBeam

Dear Steely,

You seem like a nice guy, so we're not gonna lead you on. This- this just isn't working out.

It's not you, it's us. Pittsburghers hate change. It's like when the marketing douchebags decided that they were gonna make us call the north side "The North Shore". They can post that on as many road signs as they want, but it ain't happening. Maybe it's that we don't like things forced upon us.

Or maybe we've just been hurt by too many mascots in the past. The Pirate Parrot's cocaine problems have been well documented. He was a user and a dealer and those who've watched him dance might argue that he's never really left the Devil's Dandruff behind. Surely the Pirates record over these last 15 years hasn't helped.


Iceburgh the Penguin has had his share of struggles, too. We'll never forget his killing spree which could only be stopped by Jean Claude Van Damme. But, as far as we know, he's put those days behind him and we're not here to judge. When he puts a kid's head in his mouth now, it's funny. If you did that, we'd have nightmares for the rest of our lives.

Conspiracy theorists might suggest that you were set up to fail from the beginning. It's possible. Maybe the powers-that-be wanted a diversion from the ultimate Steelers change: a new head coach. Hopefully that's not the case because you deserve better than to be used as a cheap pawn in the Rooney family's quest to own Pittsburgh and the world.

But if you search your feelings, Steely, we think you'll agree that we're just not meant to to be together. Could there be any clearer sign than the destructive storms that rained down upon us and sent Allegheny county into a state of emergency the day after you were named? Clearly the football gods are not happy.

You have a lot to offer. With the right team, we have no doubt that you'll be successful. With a few modifications you could be a great fit in, say, Green Bay. A small change in your outfit and you could become Monterey Jack, the Cheese Plant Worker. Or maybe Bob Barker, The Dog Catcher in Atlanta. God knows they could use the help. We're just brainstorming here, but you get the idea.

The bottom line is that we wish you the best. And it's best that you leave.

Sincerely,
Pittsburgh

P.S. Could you leave a few bobbleheads behind? We love bobbleheads.

Doppler Live StormBlog 2000

5:42: I've decided to live blog Channel 4's coverage of this afternoon's storms. Refresh your browser often for breaking events! This can only end well.

5:46: Dr. Marilyn Brooks advises us to stay away from feces-laden water.

5:51: Wendy Bell and Michelle Wright are wearing the exact same jacket in different Easter-Egg pastel colors. Armageddon is nigh.

5:53: Stephen Cropper says Don Schwenneker is "quarterbacking the coverage". Like the Steelers! Good Lord, where are the Steelers?!

5:55: Another storm is set to destroy what's left of Pittsburgh between 8 and 9 tonight. Plan accordingly.

5:57: The maps are phenominal. In addition to the scary red blotches, there are now BURGUNDY BLOTCHES. WE'VE GONE TO BURGUNDY.

6:00: Sally's on the case, bitches.

6:05 Apparently there's something called "Lightning Tracker" that counts lightning strikes.

6:08: The Mayor speaks.

6:09: Mayor Luke says no major injuries. Is he LYING? We'll see, Luke. We'll see. Somebody get Jon Delano up in this piece.

6:12: The Mayor has handed it off to the Head Emergency Guy or somebody, who says that our resiliance has been tested today and that tonight we dine in hell.

6:15 Luke is fielding questions. SOMEBODY ASK IF THE STEELERS ARE OK!

6:21: Emergency Guy is back and says that we may be in the dark tonight. This conference sponsored by Ralph's Army Surplus, with the lowest prices on gas lanterns!
6:24: Back to the studio. Doppler FashionWatch: Sally has seemingly gone off the deep end and is dressed in a New York Yankees uniform.
6:26: Cropper and Schwenneker have developed something called the "Futurecast"! Can't they just use it to travel ahead in time and bring back the weather-controlling equipment that will be created in the year 2564??
6:30: WTAE has apparently been destroyed as Channel 4 goes to national programming. Somewhere, Don Cannon is just waking up.

Meet Your New Recurring Nightmare

The Steelers new mascot has officially been named "Steeley McBeam". Some common mispronounciations of his name include:

1. Ally McBeal
2. Steeley Dan Rooney
3. Stealers McWheels
4. Beam Me Up Scotty
5. MacLean Stevenson
6. Jimmy McBeam
7. Jimmy Dean
8. Abe Frohman, the Sausage King
9. Uncle Remus
10. Imakekids McScream
11. Dickhead

Putting French Fries On A Salad Is Highly Illogical

Big news from the San Diego Comic-Con this week- a Pittsburgher has signed on to play young Mr. Spock in the upcoming big screen re-hash of Star Trek:

"Ending months of speculation, J.J. Abrams announced the first major casting in the director's hush-hush re-energizing of the Star Trek movie franchise by tapping Zachary Quinto to play Spock, the hyper-logical science stud with the pointy ears and Vulcan death grip."
-ew.com

If you're not familiar with Mr. Quinto's work, he plays the brain-eating "Sylar" on Heroes and also had a small role on 24 a season or two back, if memory serves. In 1995, he graduated from Central Catholic and in 1999, he graduated from Carnegie Mellon.

So there you go. If you expected some sort of Pittsburgh-related Star Trek pun, you've come to the wrong place. That's not what we're about. You'll also find no mention here of Quinto spending time in Mars or Moon to prepare for the role. This blog is much too high-brow for that type of thing. Also, I'm tired and can't think of any, so cut me some slack. I'm a doctor, not a writer.