Brian Giles Suggests You Try The Veal

If the jokes he tells are any indication, Brian Giles fans may be sad to note that he seems to have lost a few brain cells between his days as a Pirate and his current status as a Padre:

"Giles returned a few seconds later, speaking slowly, like an athlete who took too many shots to the helmet. He stared into Maddux's bemused face.

“Greg, here's another one. What kind of waves are the really small ones in the ocean?”

Pause.

“Micro waves.”

Giles giggled and walked back to his dressing stall."
-San Diego Union Tribune

He's Mr. Reed Miser

Sometimes it's almost too easy.

Jeff Reed screenshot blatantly stolen from Tunch and Wolf's In The Locker Room show. And if you're not familiar with the Heat Miser (or the Snow Miser), click here to get learned up, courtesy of Rankin and Bass, with music by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.

So Many Questions

"These are not the unmarked bills you're looking for."

National City Bank has reported a robbery, apparently by a Jedi knight who's been seduced by the dark side of The Force. Carrying a bomb, she said she was. WTAE has the story here.

I'm always fascinated by the bank robbers and I have so many questions:

• If you enter the bank and there are customers waiting, do you get in line and patiently wait for your turn? Or just bust straight up to the front of the line?
  
• When you finally get to the teller, do you quietly tell them why you're there, so as not to draw attention to yourself? Or do you go balls out and let everybody know what's happening and increase your chance of a random person taking you down?
• Getaway car: discreetly parked in the lot? Or in the fire lane for quick access?
• Should you steal the pen that's chained down, too, just so they know you mean business?
• What's the best threat of choice? Gun? Bomb? Knife? Taser? Telling them you have Ben Roethlisberger in an undisclosed location and you'll off him if they don't give you the dough (Pittsburgh only)?
  
• Do you ditch your Jedi robe immediately after leaving or keep it on the whole way home?
  

In My Craw: Flight 93 Memorial Edition

Apologies in advance for the lapse in levity in this post.

WTAE has an interesting story about the scam known as "The Flight 93 Memorial". It questions how the millions of dollars that've been raised are being spent:

"The groups building the memorial recently hired a fundraising consultant to review the work of their other fundraising consultant.Even though they've raised $10 million, they need another $20 million before they can even start construction."
-thepittsburghchannel.com

Ok, the first red flag should go up when there are consultants being hired to review consultants. Consultants should rarely be trusted, especially when they feed you lines like this:

"Add in consultant fees and other expenses, it will take $3 million to raise the $30 million needed for the memorial," said commission member John Reynolds. "That's one-tenth of the total."
-thepittsburghchannel.com

Maybe the answer is to pay attention to how the Amish handled things after last year's terrible school shooting:

"The one-room schoolhouse where 10 girls were shot last week, built by hand three decades ago by the Amish it served, was demolished by heavy machinery yesterday in the hope of easing the community’s pain."
-New York Times

Level the area and start over. No memorials. It's time to stop giving these leeches our money. This was a horrible incident that will remain in our hearts and minds forever. It's time to make our memories the memorial and use them to make sure that something like this never happens again.

No, Really?

In incredibly shocking news, eleven wrestlers have been linked to a steroid distribution ring, with one local name standing out:

"Kurt Angle, a 1996 Olympic champion freestyle wrestler, allegedly received prescriptions for trenbolone and nandrolone in 2004 and 2005."
-yahoo! sports

The article goes on to say that other athletes, from the worlds of baseball and boxing, are linked as well, with more names coming next week.

Honestly, wouldn't it be more shocking to learn that these guys were completely clean? Is there anyone alive who still thinks that they got that way naturally? I mean, other than this guy:

Butt Seriously

When you head to the ballpark this summer, leave your smokes at home:

"The only smoking this year inside PNC Park will come via fastballs and hot bats. Beginning Opening Day, smoking will be prohibited anywhere in the ballpark."
-postgazette.com

Other bad things that have yet to be banned at PNC Park include:

• The Pirates' 783-996 record since 1996

• Jose Castillo's work ethic

• Flying weiners (from the Pirate Parrot's hot dog bazooka)

• Overall sense of malaise after Pirates are eliminated from playoffs by May

• Fire hazard caused by Nuttings belly-laughing while lighting cigars with flaming $100 bills

• Not tipping Derek Bell when he plays your request on the trumpet as you cross the Clemente Bridge

• Flying weiners (when Anna Benson returns to town)
  

Hair Apparent

Look. I don't know much about the Phil Spector trial that starts today. He's a music legend, he might have killed somebody, yadda yadda. Click here if you want more info about the whole thing.

What do I know?

I know that is one. Amazing. Jewfro.

Movie Review: Shooter

Caught the preview last night; this movie can be summed up with the following equation:

"The Fugitive" + "Commando" + Marky Mark - The Funky Bunch = "Shooter"

Special note to Steeler fans: the movie also features an occasionally scantily-clad (but never fully naked) Kate Mara, great-granddaughter of Art Rooney. Let's just say that the Steelers haven't produced a tight end of this quality since the great Elbie Nickel.

If that's your recipe for a good time, then, by all means, feel the vibration.

Running Scared

In national news that annoys me, today it's being reported that Democratic Caucus Chairman Rahm Emanuel is instructing freshman members of Congress to avoid "The Colbert Report":

"'He said don’t do it … it’s a risk and it’s probably safer not to do it,' said Rep. Steve Cohen. But the freshman lawmaker from Tennessee taped a segment that last week was featured in the 32nd installment of the “Better Know a District” series. Colbert asked Cohen whether he was a black woman. He isn’t."
-The Hill

Apparently the powers that be became uncomfortable when a Congressman from Kentucky went on the show and got into a debate about the merits of throwing kittens into a wood-chipper. Obviously, it wasn't something to be taken seriously (and was actually pretty funny). You have to think that our own Congressman, Jason Altmire, didn't ease Emmanuel's mind much when he performed a tomahawk chop a few weeks ago, too:

So, the politicians who we elect to fight for us and help protect us are afraid of a Comedy Central show. Great.

Click here for Jason Altmire's page on Wikiality, the Truthiness Encyclopedia.

Tooth Fare

Today's Post Gazette is reporting that, these days, kids are getting more dough than ever from the Tooth Fairy:

"The poll found that the overall range per tooth is 25 cents to $20 (last year's high was $25). It didn't say who's skewing the curve at the high end, but the culprit isn't necessarily Donald Trump."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

That can't be true, can it? The only person I can imagine giving her kids $25 bucks for each tooth they lost would be Angelina Jolie, since she's rich and collects little foreign kids from around the world like normal people collect shotglasses*.

*Joke courtesy of Big Ric. He actually said "like normal people collect flags of the world from Disney". Since I'm the only person left who's never been to Disney, I got frightened and confused and changed it to "shotglasses". In other words, you got two lame-ass jokes for the price of one. We passed the savings on to you!

Tuesday Video Filler

Comedian Zach Galifianakis on physical comedy:

Done Deal

The gust of wind you felt this morning was Pittsburgh hockey fans breathing a collected sigh of relief, as the Penguins have worked out a deal that will keep the team here for another 30 years:

"An official announcement is expected at a 5pm news conference at Mellon Arena -- just before the Pens take the ice against the Buffalo Sabres."
-KDKA

It's great news, to be sure. And now, thankfully, the local newscasts will finally be able to turn their attention toward retrospectives that focus on great moments at the Civic Arena like the Sinatra concerts, the Elvis concerts, and that one time when Jean Claude Van Damme totally kicked the shit out of Iceburgh the Penguin.

Fan Appreciation

Mario and the politicians (kinda sounds like a 60's band) are meeting in Philly tonight with the fate of the Penguins hanging in the balance.

No real inside scoop for you, but if the Pens do stay in the Burgh, the Canucks have found a new spin on an old tradition that Penguin fans might want to consider: click here for the details.

Could give things a whole new meaning when Mike Lang yells, "Fleury chokes it off behind the net!"

Run Around (And Around)

Blues Traveler singer and harmonica player John Popper had a little run-in with the authorities yesterday. Not only was his SUV clocked at 111 mph, but further inspection of it turned up some interesting items:

"Officers found a cache of weapons and a small amount of marijuana, the Patrol said. A police dog searched the vehicle, finding numerous hidden compartments containing four rifles, nine handguns and a switchblade knife. Authorities also found a Taser and night vision goggles."
-Access Hollywood

So, in fairness to Popper, he wasn't driving at the time but it was his vehicle. And another fun part of the story is that, when asked why his vehicle featured flashing emergency lights, a siren and a public address system, he said it was because, in the event of a natural disaster, he "didn't want to be left behind".

Either way, apparently blues is the least of what John Popper's traveling with.

Leave It To Beaver

Yikes- not sure what's going on at the Beaver County Jail, but if the reports are true, it seems to be approaching "Abu Beav" conditions:

"Investigators deemed several allegations of abuse plausible, including one which left an inmate with a broken eye socket and one in which an inmate was allegedly left soaking wet outside in 22-degree weather for 45 minutes."
-examiner.com

A broken eye socket? What does that even mean?

As for the "soaking wet outside in 22 degree weather", maybe the prisoners should toughen up because that just sounds like tailgating before a late-November Steeler game.

Triple Play

Lots going on in Pittsburgh sports today:

• Penguins: They're licking their chops in K.C. this afternoon [Kansas City Star]

• Pirates: 79 reasons why it's hard to be a Pirate Fan [Deadspin]

• Steelers: If the Miami Dolphin goes missing, no need to call Ace Ventura; just check with Joey Porter's dogs [Florida Today]
  

You Can't Spell Monroeville Without "Evil"

Thanks to M.J. for the tip on this one: On Saturday, the fine folks at Guinness recognized last fall's Monroeville Mall Walk of the Dead:


Wikipedia says there were 894 undead who participated in the record-setting gathering. Click here to head to The It's Alive Show's website for more details plus video of the Zombie Walk that took place on the South Side last fall.

As a side note, the previous record for largest crowd in a zombified state was recorded at PNC Park last August 16th, when the Milwaukee Brewers beat the Pirates, 5-2.

Power Forward

KDKA's Andy Sheehan seems to be leading the way with information about the Pens' arena deal and today he snagged a copy of a letter sent from Mario and Ron Burkle to Governor Rendell, Mayor Ravenstahl, and Dan Onorato. It may just be more strong-arming from 66, but the letter says that the Penguins "will aggressively explore relocation":

"This is a disappointing but necessary conclusion, given the uncertainty that exists as we attempt to move forward." -Mario Lemieux and Ron Burkle
-KDKA

Ohhhhh, snap. I'm not sure if they used "move forward" to mock Mayor Luke or if they're just trying to speak in words that he's comfortable with, but either way, we'd better ask PittGirl if it's ok to drink.

Reaction News

Channel 4 Action News (Where You Come First) is trying to get your dander up again with new quotes from Sienna Miller, talking about how she had to apologize for calling our town "Shitsburgh":

"I understand the patriotism of that city, but really I don't think it was that big a deal. I had to meet the mayor live on TV and apologize. It was huge!" said Miller. "People are dying in Iraq and where is our focus, you know what I mean?"
-thepittsburghchannel.com

Ok, stupid quote. Obviously, our annoyance at her mocking our city in a national magazine and caring about the war in Iraq are not mutually exclusive things. If someone walked into your house and pooped on your carpet, you could be upset about that while still being concerned about the war.

But keep your eye on WTAE here. They took that quote from an interview in the U.K.'s weekly newspaper The Guardian. However, WTAE neglected to include this other Sienna nugget from the same interview:

"But I don't deliberately hurt anybody. And, actually, I like Pittsburgh, I do." - Sienna Miller
-The Guardian

Now, while Sienna doesn't seem to be the brightest of bulbs (click here for her stance on drugs), shenanigans has to be called on Channel 4 for not showing that other, nicer quote.

So, don't let them or any of the other local news outlets get a rise out of you with this idiotic sensationalism. Please, for the love of God, ignore it and hopefully it'll go away.

Peezy Does It

If you're in the pro Porter camp, check out today's Post Gazette article that looks back on some of Joey's best quotes, like this gem, aimed at the Seahawks' Jerramy Stevens, who made the mistake of suggesting that the Steelers might not win the Super Bowl:

"You ever see the movie 'Underworld'? I was sleeping all week, but I got my first taste of blood right here; and it is great when you haven't tasted it in a while. This week was boring until now."
-Joey Porter
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Come on. A batshit-crazy "Underworld" reference was just what the Super Bowl needed in the week leading up to the game. He's right; it was boring up until then.

As a side note, today is Ben Roethlisberger's 25th birthday. I'm not sure how he's celebrating, but if he's smart, when he blows out the candles on his cake, he'll be wishing for Joey Porter to end up somewhere outside of the AFC North.

Around The Way: Remembering 55 Edition

Links to odd stories and posts from Pittsburgh and around the world:

• Because you demanded it: Anthony's Pie Chart Shakedown- Part II [Tunesmith & Anthony]
• Permit us this self-indulgent, introspective look back at The Peezy Era [Dorothy Mantooth]
• There's a Pittsburgh Fark Party this weekend; still no cure for cancer [Fark]
• Leave it to Cleveland to try to take the fun out of St. Patrick's Day [newsnet5.com]
• Make your own comic strip [Make Belief Comix]
  

WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME

It's ironic that, much like a major disaster narrowly averted in the Fox series "24", Comcast and Sinclair have come to a last minute agreement that will allow the Fox network to stay on, at least for a few more days, here in Pittsburgh:

"Comcast Corp. and Sinclair Broadcast Group Inc., owner of local Fox affiliate WPGH-Channel 53, today extended an agreement that allows the cable company to retransmit WPGH and its Fox programs, including "American Idol" and "24," for 10 more days."
-Pittsburgh Tribune Review

As I understand it, Sinclair wants Comcast to pay to re-transmit its' free, over-the-air signal. Choosing who I want to win this fight is like being in prison and and having to pick which of my cellmates I'd like to have rape me. Can't we all just get along?

So, if you're a fan of American Idol, the good news is that the show will still air tonight. And thank God, because if it didn't...