Neither Trick Nor Treat

To the delight of dogs and cats everywhere (and apparently chickens), Bob Barker announced today that he'll be retiring in June. Click here for the story.

In the meantime, here are some basic truths about The Price Is Right:

It's not known yet who will take over, but Bob says he hopes it's someone who will learn the show's 80 games forward and backward. That narrows the search down to 95% of America.

Maybe they'll go the "out-of-work-comedian" route that other game shows are taking with guys like Howie Mandel and Bob Saget. Personally, I think Andrew "Dice" Clay would bring a fresh and interesting sensibilty to the proceedings. And I'm pretty sure he's not that busy.

The best game? Don't even try to step to me with Plinko or the golf game, bitch. You know it's all about the yodeling mountain climber.

The worst? The big wheel. Of course, I may just be saying that because of my recurring nightmare that has me spinning the wheel, only to slip and have my ribs crushed as I get jammed under it, where I lie in pain until the fire department arrives with the jaws of life to pry me out, while Bob's Beauties look on.

Yeah, like you've never had that one.

Submitted For Your Approval

The reworking of a Halloween classic, courtesy of Robot Chicken:

Creature Chronicle

It's Halloween and I'm trying to remember which monster scared me the most as a kid. Lets break it down:

The Mummy: Hmmm. Not so much. If you're the least bit mobile, you can escape this guy. It's time for a new gig if you're a monster and the people you're going after say, "Look. It's the Mummy. Walk for your life."





Creature from the Black Lagoon: Kind of a creepy dude, but pretty limited. The guy may have his shit together in the water, but I'm pretty sure he's a puss on land. Just run up onto the shore and watch him flop around on the beach.






Zombies: See "Mummy". Although, if you get some of those fast zombies they have these days, that could be trouble. I highly recommend that you click here for a more in-depth and entertaining essay on the undead, courtesy of, well, John Mayer.


Frankenstein's Monster: Here's a guy who I'd put into the "misunderstood monster" category. Like King Kong, he didn't ask for the situation he's in. THE MAN put him in the situation by bringing him back to life. Also, he's the only monster I can think of who goes to the trouble of wearing a sport coat, which is nice.




Wolfman: Things start to get a little more frightening here, for my money. He's fast, ferocious, and unpredictable. A real wild card. Luckily, like most of us, he can be undone simply by giving him a Coors Light. (The silver bullet.)

(Shut up, I got nothin' here.)


Dracula / Vampires: Scariest. They have those eyes that hypnotize you, they're good-looking and pleasant one minute, then butt-ugly and mean the next. They're quick and smart and ultimately evil. Like a politician.

Feel free to discuss in the comments section below.

If you dare. mwahaha.

Day Of The Dead

One of the undead chasing a citizen of Oakland, CA

Not sure if you caught this on the news, but zombies were sighted on the west coast yesterday afternoon.

The undead were first noticed around 4:30pm yesterday in Oakland, California, when locals sighted the creatures dressed in black and gold slowly stumbling and shambling about with confused, disoriented looks on their faces.

An elite tactical squad (codename "Raiders") was sent in to neutralize the infestation and quickly contained the problem when they found that the walking dead were ultimately harmless and that the lead zombie could be easily stopped with a shot to the head.

The only Oakland casualty seems to be a resident named Al Davis, who was last seen shuffling around slack-jawed with a blank, non-emotive stare, even as those around him celebrated the defeat of the living dead.

When asked to comment, Davis said, "Braaaaaiiinnnnnss."

Friday Football Profile: Oakland Raiders

Part of a continuing series designed to help you learn more about the Steelers' upcoming opponents. In the words of Michael Corleone, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

When it comes to the Oakland Raiders, we first need to talk about Al Davis. Davis was named the coach of the team in 1963 and by 1966, he was one of the owners of the Oakland Raiders and remains so to this day. It’s also important to note that, somewhere along the way, Al Davis went bat shit crazy. Or maybe he was all along, we can’t be certain. What we do know is that he and Kim Jong Il apparently employ the same stylist.

To say the Raiders have issues in 2006 is an understatement. That would be like saying Jeffrey Dahmer had a slight character flaw or two.

Jerry Porter, one of Oakland’s wide receivers, has been suspended for four games because he criticized the team and, earlier this season, reportedly laughed and cheered with every other football fan when Raiders quarterback Aaron Brooks was sacked for the four hundredth time in a game against the oh-so-classy San Diego Chargers.

Following that, the noodle-armed Brooks was out by week 2 and replaced at quarterback by somebody named Andrew Walter, after the Raiders were unable to acquire the Diet Pepsi Machine. Little known fact: the Raiders’ third-string quarterback is actually a blind, 3-legged donkey with arthritis.

Randy Moss, the Raiders’ other star receiver, has expressed a willingness to be traded, and could be seen on TV saying “Fuck Andrew” after Walter threw a first-half interception two weeks ago against the Broncos. So that helps.

And finally, Oakland Raiders fans deserve special notice for their passion and loyalty to not only the team, but also to all things Satanic. As we’ve mentioned before, at a Raiders tailgate party, food, beer, and ritualistic sacrifices are commonplace and Lucifer’s black mass is considered good, wholesome fun.

So, “Hail Satan” and enjoy the excellence.

Get On The Bus

Governor Ed Rendell has upset some of his constituency after making these comments about why senior citizens love getting on busses and going to casinos:

“These are people who lead very gray lives. They don’t see their sons and daughters very much. They don’t have much social interaction. There’s not a whole lot of good things that happen in their month,” the governor said of some seniors.
-Lancaster Online

He went on to say that the sights and sounds from the slot machines make up the bulk of what brightens a senior's day. Which, even if true in some cases, is kind of a crappy thing to say.

Not satisfied that the hole was deep enough, Rendell has since kept digging:

"I said some senior citizens lead lives that don't have a lot of excitement. For them, to go gamble and lose $20 or $25 is the lion's share of entertainment in their lives, and that's the truth."
-Gov. Rendell to WTAE

So, according to Rendell, losing their money is the highlight of the day for a lot of senior citizens here in PA.

Even Kenny Rogers knew when to fold 'em, Ed.

Just fold 'em, would ya?

I'll Have The Roethlisberger With A Side Of Revenge, Please

Big Ben is bellyaching about Atlanta's players making fun of him after they turned him into a Falcon Sandwich last Sunday:

He declined to identify the player who talked about the facial injuries the quarterback received during his June motorcycle crash, but said: "I'll remember his number."
-Fox Sports

Riiiiiight. So, like Leonardo DiCaprio patiently plotting the death of Bill the Butcher in Gangs of New York, Ben will spend his time between now and 2010 (when the Steelers and Falcons play next) seething and formulating his sweet, delicious revenge on those who would mock him.*

Assuming, of course, he still has a memory by 2010.

*Look, analogies aren't my thing. I'm like... some guy who isn't good with analogies.

On A Lighter Note

They may be slightly out of tune occasionally, but this is still pretty cool:

Electile Dysfunction

Two weeks until election day and quotes like this tend to put me on edge about the process:

"We know more about car tires than we do about voting machines," the Rev. DeForest Soaries, a former New Jersey secretary of state, said yesterday during a conference call with reporters and other election administration specialists.
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

After reading that article and this disturbing one about how easy it is to hack into the new voting machines, you have to think that our leaders are either more corrupt than we can possibly imagine or as dumb as a box of chads.

People have been trying to rig elections for a long time now. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that the first time a group of cavemen voted on who would watch over their food supply, one of them tried to fix it so he could sneak an extra brontosaurus leg when the others weren't looking. (I know that there were no cavemen when disoaurs walked the earth. I'm just trying to make a point, so cut me some slack, Einstein.)

Of course, mistakes happen, too. Although, the cynic in me believes that "mistakes" are more often hijackings in disguise.

The questions remain: are the people running the system so in awe of technology that they rush into using it without a paper trail as a safety net... or is the system so corrupt that they don't want the safety net and the technology simply makes it easier for them to put the people they want into power?

Stupid... or crooked?

Scary, either way. Guess we have to run for office ourselves... or head into the booth and hope for the best.

Click here for a demonstration of the voting machines used here in Pittsburgh.

Vick Gives Football Equivalent Of The Herp To Steelers, Promises To Call Them Sometime

I'm thinking this one's gonna burn for awhile.

But, hey. At least the Pirates didn't lose this weekend, right?

Feh.

Maybe King's Family Restaurants should look into sponsoring a Steelers post-game show...

I'm just sayin'.

Friday Football Profile: Atlanta Falcons

Part of a continuing series designed to help you learn more about the Steelers' upcoming opponents. In the words of Michael Corleone, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

To be perfectly blunt, the main thing you need to know about the Atlanta Falcons is that they're all about sex. And, of course, blunts. But mostly sex.

Back in 1998, Falcon Jamal Anderson introduced a touchdown dance called "The Dirty Bird", the name of which is also a thinly-veiled sexual reference with several meanings, according to the Urban Dictionary. Look 'em up yourself right here, if you don't believe me, ya perv.

Today, the Falcons are a good team, in large part, due to their fleet-footed quarterback Michael Vick, who's known for not only spreading out defenses with his great running and passing abilities, but also spreading The Herp throughout the great state of Georgia. You might remember that last year, Vick allegedly passed a case of herpes to a woman who also claimed that he used the name "Ron Mexico" when visiting STD clinics. Which, from a comedy perspective, is freakin' awesome. Allegedly.

And finally, if you're still not convinced that this team is Freud's wet dream, their offensive right tackle's name is Todd Weiner. Which, of course, leads to Falcons fans exclaiming things like, "That Weiner is AWESOME" and "MAN, I love Weiner!" And just try to watch him run into the tunnel at half time without giggling.

As a side note, in retrospect, it's surprising that Michael Vick didn't just use "Todd Weiner" as his alias at the clinic.

Enjoy the game.

Ya perv.

So, Wait. Does This Mean Rumsfeld Is The Dwarf With The Axe?

Ahh, election years. If the political ads don't make you want to remove your eyeballs with an olive fork, the talking points certainly will. Although, technically, even without your eyeballs, you could still hear the talking points, so it'd probably be in your best interest to puncture your eardrums, as well.

But I digress.

The good news is that, occasionally, you'll find a gem of a quote among all the crap. Like Senator Santorum angling for the "Dungeons and Dragons" vote:

"As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else," Santorum said, describing the tool the evil Lord Sauron used in search of the magical ring that would consolidate his power over Middle-earth.
-PA Sen. Rick Santorum, Uniontown Herald Standard

Wow. So, I guess we would be the hobbits in this scenario? And Lord Sauron would be... terror? No, wait... the hobbits are the troops and the eye is terror! And Bob Casey is Sauron!

In a... sleepy kind of way.

Maybe?

Either way, James Carville has to be Gollum, right?

I dunno, I was always more of a Star Wars fan.

Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together

Man, why didn't I think of this?

The ad wizards over at Volkswagen are running a promotion wherein anybody who buys or leases a VW gets a free guitar that they can plug into and play in their car.

What an amazing concept! I mean, who among us hasn't wished we could just shred our brains out like Hendrix inside a small German automobile?? Surely this will spawn a million copy-cat ideas involving other products, so here are some suggestions for other companies that want to jump on the bandwagon while the bandwagon's hot!

*Free trumpet with the purchase of any John Deere riding mower

*Hammond B-3 organ that plugs into the side of a Maytag dishwasher

*Complimentary drum kit set up in the back of a Chrysler Voyager

*Free keytar with select G.E. refrigerators

*Electric harmonica with purchase of Hamilton Beach toaster

*Set of maracas with any Yamaha motorcycle

Offensive Holding

In honor of yesterday's drubbing of the K.C. Chiefs by the Steelers, one fan at Heinz Field decided to celebrate in his own unique way:

"According to police, Martin Sanders, 39, exposed himself and then punched and kicked several stadium employees who tried to escort him out of the stadium."
-KDKA.com

Luckily, at the Allegheny County Jail, there'll be plenty of guys interested in seeing what this stooge has to offer.

The moral that seems to prevail here is that even though the concession stands have their Super Dogs on display, it doesn't mean that yours should make an appearance.

All Hail Charlie

Congrats to Steelers' #2 quarterback Charlie Batch, who's been named Mayor of Washington, PA for a day and given a key to the city. Click here for the details.

Charlie Batch's list of things to accomplish during his day in power:

• Have ground broken on "Bed Batch and Beyond" store

• Publicly execute the next motherf***er that rolls up on him and says "Congratulations, Hines!"

• Invite City Council members to join him in a public symposium discussing the societal importance of the clipboard

• Use key to the city to jimmy open lock to Cowher's office; pencil himself in as Sunday's starter

• Sign law making it illegal to approach him and say "Batches?! We don' need no steenking Batches"

Today's Word of the Day: "Vertigo"

Wikipedia defines vertigo as "a major symptom of a balance disorder. It is the sensation of spinning while the body is stationary with respect to the earth or surroundings."

Doesn't sound like much fun, does it?

When you scroll down the vertigo page at Wikipedia, you'll see that it also lists some famous people who suffer from the sickness. Take your time, look closely and see if any catch your eye:

* Nicolas Cage, Actor
* George Clinton, Music Artist
* Philip K. Dick, Author
* David Duval, Professional golfer
* LeBron James, Basketball Player
* Richard Lugar, U.S. Senator
* Alain Robert, rock and urban climber
* Alan Shepard, Mercury and Apollo Astronaut
* Abraham Zapruder, recorded John F. Kennedy assassination
* Ben Roethlisberger, Football Player
* William Roth, Former Republican United States Senator from Delaware

A Steeler fan with a be-vertigoed Ben Roethlisberger

Interesting. I'm trying to remember: is this common knowledge? Was it officially announced? If it's true, it certainly explains a lot about Ben's year so far.

Not to mention Nicolas Cage's acting.

Burnt Sienna

We haven't seen the rumor mill churning like this in Pittsburgh since Kordell Stewart was tossing balls to tight ends in Schenley Park.

Sienna Miller is back in the headlines, n'at:

Miller, 24, was escorted out of Folino's Tavern on the South Side after trying to enter without proper identification.
That's when the bar owners said Miller threw a fit, yelling "I am Sienna Miller. I am a famous actress."
- WTAE-TV

To be fair, her publicist says it never happened.

And before we're too quick to judge, remember: the list of Pittsburghers who haven't been tossed out of a bar on the South Side at least once in their life is pretty short. But at least we know that yelling, "I am Stush Wyslinski. I am a worker dahn the Alcoa plant" isn't gonna get us very far.

This girl, however, knows how to get tossed out of a joint with flair. KDKA probably has the best "report" on this "story". Click here to check it out. And if what they say is true, the only mystery of Pittsburgh is why we haven't kicked this idiot out of town by now.

I'm Lovin' It

You gotta love dumb guys with a plan.

This morning, KDKA reported the tale of two gentlemen who thought it would be a good idea to rob a McDonald's. They didn't take any money, though... only cups.

KDKA's Stephanie Watson reports the suspects Robert Kern III, of Maryland, and David Bivens, of Indiana, were stealing the cups for the chance to win a $5 million Monopoly game jackpot.
"I mean if you're going to go for the win, I guess that's the way," said Craig Evans from Brush Valley.
KDKA.com

Well, maybe not, Craig. While you have to appreciate the chutzpah of these hillbillies, a quick jump to the McDonald's Monopoly official rules page shows us the odds of winning the $5 million:

$5,000,000 (20 year annuity) - 1 in 41,497,391,309

Meanwhile, the odds of winning the current jackpot from the Powerball lottery?

$27,000,000 - 1 in 146,107,962

Take whatever moral from this story you like.

All I know is that dumb guys with a plan make my day a little more entertaining.

Did You Like That Game Or Did You Just Say "Feh"?

To answer the question that Myron Cope so long ago posed in the theme song to "Cope's Cabana", I just said "feh."

Other things that contributed to yesterday's orneriness:

Can we possibly get Chris Collinsworth on more broadcasts? I'm just not getting enough of him. Sure, when I close my eyes, I see a ghost image of him because his face has been burned into my retinas and when it's really quiet, I can almost hear the dull whine of his voice, but isn't there a high school football broadcast somewhere that he's not a part of?

If I have to see one more commercial that features Peyton Manning looking like a bad porn star, Peyton Manning getting cantaloupes signed for Eli, or Peyton Manning clawing his way out of a football like Jim Carrey emerging from the birth canal of a rubber rhinoceros, someone will have to die. I think I've made myself clear.

Football on Fox. Now, I like robots as much as the next guy. The Cylons on the old Battlestar Galactica were the balls, with the little red light thingy they had for eyes that went back and forth. But, enough is enough. Between the machines, the clicking and whirring of the graphics and the inane comments of Troy Aikman (he actually said "Big plays are what's gonna help you score points" yesterday), Joe Buck is actually a bright spot. And by "bright spot" I mean "pretentious gas bag".

Shannon Sharpe is the loud one who looks like a horse.

Sterling Sharpe is the loud one with the tiny, tiny eyebrows that look like the squiggle over a Spanish "ñ".

Sienna Miller Is Not Particularly Impressed With You

If you've spent any time in downtown Pittsburgh over the last month, you may have seen some of the hustle and bustle from the movie shoot for "The Mysteries of Pittsburgh". This morning, people's babushkas seem to be in a knot over 24-year old semi-celebrity Seinna Miller's comments concerning our fair town in the latest issue of Rolling Stone.

From the Pittsburgh Post Gazette:
In an article in Rolling Stone magazine that hits newsstands today, Miss Miller refers to the town as something that starts with "sh" and rhymes with "Pittsburgh."
"Can you believe this is my life?" Miss Miller later asks Rolling Stone contributing editor Jenny Eliscu, over a plate of garlic-parmesan Buffalo wings at a Pittsburgh hotel bar. "Will you pity me when you're back in your funky New York apartment and I'm still in Pittsburgh? I need to get more glamorous films."

Well.

First of all. If a Pittsburgher wants to be insulted by a no-talent, overpaid, two-bit, conceited, self-obesessed, trumped up, pompous, scantily-clad, dime-a-dozen, poor man's Paris Hilton ripoff named "Sienna", all he has to do is sit next to the stage at Club Erotica with an empty wallet.

Ok, my apologies. That wasn't nice.

Some of the dancers at Club Erotica are quite talented.

I'm sorry, what were we talking about again?

With Apologies To Big Russ

F.Y.I., here's one of the images that comes up when you do a Google search for the phrase "dumb pumpkin":

Oh, internet. You do cut to the core.

Tell Matlock We Don't Need Him For This One

So, it seems that a mysterious "neck injury" has afflicted Ricardo Colclough, the Steelers' resident Punt Muffer (that sounds vaguely dirty). Sure, many Steeler fans have questioned Colclough's punt returning skills for quite some time now, but yesterday, the angry gentleman shown to the left said that Colclough is actually physically questionable for Sunday's game against the Chargers.

Gosh, I wonder how he hurt his neck.

Dramatic reenactment of Cowher and Colclough in the locker room after the Steelers' loss to the Bengals.

Don't Be A Halloweiner

Ahh, October. Here we are in the first week and it's hard not to be introspective, isn't it? The chill in the air, football on tv, Christmas decorations in the stores; it truly is a magical time.

And when you were a kid, this was when you needed to buckle down and figure out what you were going to be for Halloween. It wasn't a decision to be taken lightly. One year, I waited too long to decide and my mother ended up assembling some sort of outfit that amounted to me wearing a sport coat and a hat.

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

Other kids were dressed as Batman and Darth Vader and I wanted to kick my own ass.

So, let me be a cautionary tale. Work it out now, before the stores sell out. Or you could end up with one of these:

Scott Baio: In the future, scholars and film afficianados will debate when Scott Baio's finest work took place. While I, personally, would suggest that the Zapped! period was his pre-eminent, this costume reflects his work on Joanie Loves Chachi. First of all, can you go as Chachi without a Joanie to accompany you? Good luck finding a girl who wants to spend Halloween dressed as Erin Moran. Solution: Combine the mask on this one with the body from a wolf suit and call yourself Baio Wolf.

Asteroids: This one really hurts my brain. It's based on a video game about a space ship that does nothin' but bust up rocks. And with this costume, you don't even get to be the space ship. You're the freakin' dumb rock. Solution: There is none. Make sure you take a rape whistle with you, because the odds of you making it back home without being violently beaten are slim.


Jimmy Osmond: Now, if I had to choose a famous sibling costume, of course it would be Frank Stallone, but this gem will allow you to step into the persona of one of the lesser known Osmonds. And probably the wimpiest. Which, actually, has never been scientifically determined, but if you try to tell me that Wayne Osmond wouldn't have kicked all of their asses, I will fight you. That being said, this is possibly the worst Halloween costume ever. Solution: Suicide. Seriously, if things have gotten to this point in your life, it's for the best.

You Deserve A Break Today

Ok, all I'm seeing on TV is horrible news. Amish school shootings, creepy politicians, Guns N' Roses getting back together. Truly depressing stuff.

So, to put some balance back into the force, please enjoy these talking cats.

OMG! I wnt 2 vt pls!!!1! lol

While we're on the subject of politics, check this out:

From the Pittsburgh Post Gazette:
Would-be voters with cell phones can now start the process of registering by sending a text message, thanks to a program the Pennsylvania League of Young Voters Education Fund unveiled last week.

Pretty interesting. I wonder how long it will be before we can actually vote for our leaders by cellphone, as if they were Ruben from American Idol?

Here's a quick guide to Pittsburgh Political Text Messaging Shorthand:

• LOL = Luke's on Letterman

• BCUSM = Bob Casey's Unibrow Scares Me

• TBO = Throw the bums out

• NEOCNPLS = Neocon, please (for responding to Rick Santorum)

• VT4DON-E = Vote for Donnie (Iris)

Never Mind That Smell, It's Just Rome Burning

Not exactly shocking news, but a recent Rasmussen survey shows that the majority of people believe that our political system is "badly broken". What is somewhat shocking is to actually hear comments like the ones made in the video below by Weekly Standard editor and regular TV talking head Bill Kristol.

Kudos to Shepard Smith. No matter which side you're on, it's refreshing to see a nitwit get his feet held to the fire occasionally.

In fact, it would be downright funny, if it weren't so scary.