Chris Farley Has Been Reincarnated

Still no cure for cancer, but every now and then you can find a real diamond like this in the rough over at Fark.

Eternal Sunshine Of The Pirate's Mind

Every so often, we here at The Mantooth are forced to have occasion to watch the odd "chick flick" and, while the good ones are few and far between, we're secure enough in our masculinity to admit that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is one that stands out.

It's a bizarre movie. If you haven't seen it, the basic premise is that Jim Carrey is in so much anguish over a breakup with his girlfriend, Kate Winslet, that he employs a company to erase all memory of her from his brain. During the procedure, while he's unconscious, he decides that he doesn't want to forget her and starts hiding his memories of her in places in his brain where the doctors won't look. The whole movie is a mind-bender on par with what Dock Ellis probably saw as he pitched that no hitter back in '70 .

Our Pittsburgh Pirates seem to be performing a similar procedure on us, but in reverse. Concerning this Saturday night's planned protest/walk-out (details here with The Average White Guy), the Pirates organization is trying to erase the future:

"[The Pirates] have asked their television announcing crew not to discuss the walkout with the media. They have removed all comments about the walkout from their message board at pirates.com. They have the support of their television rights holder, FSN Pittsburgh, which does not plan to show the protest as part of its game coverage."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Too bad the Nuttings don't expend as much energy putting a winning team on the field as they do trying to make sure that people don't know about this protest.

Too bad they don't realize that, just as the movie ended with Carrey and Winslet agreeing to give their relationship one more try, Pirates fans have been loyal enough to give the organization 14 more tries.

Oh, wait. They do know that.

In fact, they're counting on it.

Burgh Brother

Today might be a good day to stop by your local grocery store and stock up on tinfoil; according to today's Post Gazette, we need to start preparing hats to block the 24- hour-a-day surveillance that our overlords will soon be imposing upon us by way of hundreds of cameras across the city:

"Video cameras scattered throughout Downtown and other neighborhoods would eventually be linked in a surveillance network, under a proposal by Mayor Luke Ravenstahl and Allegheny County District Attorney Stephen A. Zappala Jr."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Some offenses that, if caught on camera, will be cause for deportation and/or incarceration by Pittsburgh authorities:

• Removing french fries from any sandwich or salad

• Attempting to block Mayor Luke from meeting his favorite celebrities

• Coming in contact with anything or anyone from Cleveland and not acting in a mocking manner

• Using in vain the name of any 70's era Steeler

• Not beginning every news story with the word "Hey," (Wendy Bell only)

• Prank calling Adult Mart on McKnight Road and asking if they have any "Dick Skrinjars" in stock

The Voices In My Head Are Telling Me To Hit You With This Plank Of Wood

The paddle is long since gone from classrooms, but Joey Salvati from New Kensington is trying to bring it back into vogue. In fact, he's giving paddles and instructions away for free on his website, spare-rods.com.

Interesting idea. Certainly Jasper from The Simpsons understood the effectiveness of the paddle:



The part that's fascinating is that Joey, like Elwood Blues, sees himself as being on a mission from God:

"[Salvati], 39, a father of two, was in the shower about a month ago when he first heard God speak to him about the matter. Whether it was an external or internal voice, he wasn't sure. He tried to ignore it, but it kept coming back, day after day, until he realized he had to do something about it."
-Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

Again, intriguing premise. We don't hate the idea of the paddle, but when a guy tells us that the voices in his head keep coming back, day after day, we tend to worry a little. Replace "God" with "the space men" or "Orson Welles" in the paragraph above and most people would assume that he's not hooked up properly. Just food for thought.

Although, who knows. Maybe we just need a good paddlin'.

Bill Cowher Drives Like A Retiree

It's been at least several days since the local news outlets have given us a "where is he now" update on Bill Cowher, so it was good to see him take to a stock car and compete in the Fast Cars and Superstars celebrity race on ABC last night. How did he do?

"Things didn't go well for the former coach, who ended up finishing last after stalling his car leaving the pit stop and turned in a fastest average lap of 139 mph, slowest of all the competitors."
-Rocky Mountain News

139 mph? Most days, people go faster than that on the Parkway East (when there's no construction). We're not trying to say that Bill Cowher has lost his competitive edge, but when Jewel beats you in a NASCAR race, um, yeah maybe retirement was the right idea.

If you're bored, you can watch the show here. But we suggest you go outside and get some fresh air or something.

Willie Would Be Proud

If you're like us, you consult your W.W.W.N.D. (What Would Willie Nelson Do) bracelet before making any major life decisions, so you can imagine our excitement that the higher-ups at Eat'n Park have been doing the same:

"It won't just be the power of suggestion that has you smelling French fries while driving behind Eat'n Park trucks. That's because they'll soon be running on a biodiesel blend made from the oil from the fry vats at their own restaurants."
-Pittsburgh City Paper

So, with their new biodiesel fuel policy and their embracing of the smoking ban (even after it's reversal) Eat'n Park seems to be leading the way in corporate progressiveness.

Some other forward-thinking policies and products that Eat 'n Park will introduce by year's end:

• Smiley Cookie's fun-loving brother, "The Uncontrollable Giggles Brownie" (note: not on display, ask for "Todd" to hook you up)
  


• Waitresses no longer required to shave armpits
  


• After a rough night, promises not to play the fucking Eagles on the p.a. system, man
  


• Will reach out to King's Family Restaurant's "Frownie"; try to find out what's harshing his mellow

Miller's Crossing

Pittsburgh native and recent right-wing radio host Dennis Miller had a chance to cross paths with his new demographic when he hosted a free appearance at the Fox Theater in Redwood City, CA last week:

"Miller swore at one member of the audience during his free appearance Friday night at the Fox Theater, later apologized, and explained that he wasn’t used to the rancor of a political audience[that] shouted down Miller’s guest former San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown whenever the liberal Democrat made a statement they didn’t agree with."
-The Mercury News

Now, I don't wanna get off on a rant here, but it sounds like that new fan base is the political equivalent of Jimmy Cagney in Public Enemy, giving Dennis the verbal grapefruit in the face, while letting fly with more slurs than Foster Brooks on the dais at a Dean Martin roast.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

And now, just in case you haven't experienced it yet... The Dramatic Prairie Dog:

West End Circle Jerk

It's no secret that the local news outlets generally use kid gloves when it comes to controversial stories about Pittsburgh's major sports teams. Today, the Post Gazette decided to buck that trend by shedding some light on the fact that the Steelers and Pirates (the organizations bitching the loudest about potential traffic problems caused by the new casino) haven't been attending the traffic planning meetings:

"'The ... elephant in the room is that the elephants are not in the room,' said Mark T. Fatla, executive director of the Northside Leadership Conference."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

In addition to that, it seems that casino traffic problems don't concern the Rooney family when they own the facility, like the one they're building in Yonkers, NY:

"The facility’s reopening has been delayed; two lawsuits were filed and then settled. All this comes amid neighbors’ concerns over traffic and noise, and other worries about the effects of gambling in general. Undaunted, [Timothy] Rooney speaks confidently of Empire City at Yonkers Raceway and his hopes for the revised facility, which, when complete, will offer up to 7,500 video gaming machines, harness racing and simulcasting, as well as several restaurants, bars and an entertainment venue."
-Westchester County Business Journal

Don't get us wrong; despite the knocks we give them from time to time, come gameday, we're big Steeler and Pirate fans.

But this is just annoying.

We're Pretty Sure "Hellraiser 6" Started This Way

Lock your doors: this fall, the Carnegie Science Center is bringing the "Bodies" exhibit to town, which features 15 actual human corpses that have been preserved and placed in various sporting poses, such as "kicking a soccer ball" and "setting up a tennis serve". Oh, and there will be over 200 other body parts, including embryos and fetuses (feti?) on display for your viewing pleasure, as well.

Needless to say, some people aren't too happy, including at least one employee of the science center:

"One opponent is Elaine Catz, an 11-year employee of the science center who resigned over 'Bodies' last week. 'We don't know how these people died or why they died, and I don't think Premier knows, either,' she said, referring to the company, Premier Exhibitions of Atlanta, that is presenting the show."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Look. Have we learned nothing from horror movies? Obviously these things will come to life at night, first killing the janitor and his scrappy dog before, later, trapping a smart (and sexy) female scientist who barely escapes with her life only to find out, in a surprising twist, that the slow-witted, undead creatures have actually been here for years, playing baseball at PNC Park.

It's as plain as the nose on... well, on that shelf over there.

Offensive Holding, Part 2: Electric Ankle Bracelet Boogaloo

Following up on last October's story about the firefighter who called off sick from work, then went to the Steeler game, where he... well... whipped out his Super Dog in front of a group of women at the concession stand and then punched a couple of stadium security guards:

"Lt. Martin Sanders was sentenced to 15 months of house arrest, followed by five years of probation, after pleading guilty on Wednesday to simple assault, resisting arrest, indecent exposure and disorderly conduct."
-The Pittsburgh Channel

The only positive here is that it's a refreshing change to see football-related criminals who aren't on the field.

And, as a side note, you can't help but wonder if this would have caused such a ruckus at PNC Park. As they say, if a man exposes himself at a Pirates game and there's no one around to see it, would it make anyone uncomfortable?

Joey Porter Almost Wishes You'd Disrespect Him

Remember Joey Porter, that loveable sociopath who used to be the core of the Steeler defense and who had killer dogs before having killer dogs was cool? Well, even though he's a Miami Dolphin now, Joey's looking to the future and preparing for a career behind the microphone by attending the NFL's "Broadcast Bootcamp", where players are taught how to analyze the game. CBS's James Brown ran the players through some potentially awkward situations:

"Brown led each player into a discussion of Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter, who was involved in a fight in Las Vegas this off-season and swept into the N.F.L. commissioner’s new personal-conduct counseling program. It made for fascinating backstage theater, since Porter was standing in the control room. No one blasted Porter, but it struck a common theme of the sessions — how to criticize a player, especially a former teammate or current friend."
-The New York Times

So, in a shocking revelation, people in the same room as Joey Porter tend to shy away from criticizing Joey Porter. Who would have guessed?

As a post-script, if there's a God, eventually Joey will end up working in the Monday Night Football booth, where he'll respond to ribbing from his coworkers by ripping out and eating Tony Kornheiser's spleen during a game.

Things To Do On The South Side When You're Drunk

Any Pittsburgher worth his or her salt has stumbled through the South Side at 1:00am after having a few too many at Jack's (or any of the other 4,672,348 bars). What most of us haven't done is tried infiltrate an F.B.I building afterwards:

"A Butler County man climbed the fence surrounding the FBI's South Side headquarters and started running alongside the building. Chased by a security guard, he scaled the fence again and was eventually caught hiding in some woods."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

We'll give him the benefit of the doubt this time since he's only 18 years old and obviously hasn't learned to hold his booze yet. Everybody knows that you don't scale the perimiter of a government facility after drinking on the South Side.

You go to Tom's Diner.

Next time, relax and have a gyro, kid.

Good Luck Getting This Song Out Of Your Head

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama is in the Burgh today. No word if his stalker will be following him, but we can hope, can't we:



If that wasn't enough (ya perv), click here for the story behind the video, which isn't exactly what it seems, courtesy of msn.

Put Your Lettuce On Lockdown

We're sad to report that vegetable crime is apparently running rampant and unchecked in Somerset, PA:

"Someone kicked in the door of a man's apartment, stuck a knife in the door and took a chilled salad from his refrigerator."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Lettuce be thankful that olive the other items in the house were left alone. The salad must have a peas'ed the thief, who obviously didn't carrot all about the victim. Although, it could have bean a much worse outcome, we suppose.

We're so, so sorry for this post. We know it leaves mushroom for improvement.

And no one could blame you for wanting to squash us.

Did The Parrot Get Whacked?

Lots of people are talking about the spoof of The Sopranos by the hilarious comedy troupe called "The Pittsburgh Pirates" (did you know they play baseball, too??) Check it out below:



Nice job, Buccos. Well done and very funny.
Now start winning some freakin' games.

(Update: we now have a better version of the video up, courtesy of Deadspin.com)

The Series Finale Of "The Sopranos Posts"

While we hesitate to add another word to the litany of coverage that the final episode of The Sopranos has garnered (apparently even David Chase's sexuality isn't off limits), we would be remiss not to show the video featured below, which unveils the true fate of Tony and company:

The Sopranos Finale

Well, that's it. Arguably one of the best and most influential shows on television has come to a close.

The episode brought some incredible tension, for sure, but if there's one thing-

Whaddayagunnado

Lots of people are anxiously awaiting the series finale of The Sopranos on Sunday night and we here at The Mantooth are no exception. Seems everyone has a theory on how the show will end; some speculate that Tony will go down in a hail of gunfire courtesy of the New York gang, while others think that T's destiny is life in the slammer. Some other possible endings:

• Tony is sentenced to life in prison where he is shockingly killed by a shiv between the ribs from his cellmate Paris Hilton, who has recently converted to the Muslim religion

• Tony aids the feds in foiling a terrorist attack and, in return, is entered into the witness protection program. In an O. Henry-esque twist, he begins his new life as "Ulf Soprannosen", defenseman and "enforcer" for the Philadelphia Flyers. In other words, hell on Earth

• Tony wakes up in Massachusetts to find Paulie Walnuts lying next to him in bed, under 70's-style plaid sheets

*Photo courtesy of goonblog.com. It fell off a truck. Whattayagunnado.

We're Back, Bitches

After a brief sabbatical of about a month, the batteries are recharged and the snark and sarcasm are at optimum power. Perhaps we'll just call it "snarkasm". Either way, you'll find a renewed commitment to stupid stories, even stupider videos, and, if you're nice, the occasional lolcat.

It's good to be home.