Some Day, Many, Many Years From Now, We'll Look Back And Laugh

Seems like just yesterday that Michael Keaton threw out the first berating, but here we are, entering the final weekend of the Pirates' 2006 season. How time flies.

Looking back, here's a complete list of highlights:

• Cool fireworks

Ok, ok... we did have the All-Star Game, which allowed fans and players from other cities to bask in the glory of our ballpark and quietly pity the suckfest that it contains. Plus, there was Jason Bay... and Freddy Sanchez, whose nickname "Dirty" finally gave our fans a forum to publicly promote their favorite sex act.

Thanks for the fun, Buccos.

And don't worry. Like a battered wife who knows her spouse doesn't mean to hurt her- it's just that he's just under a lot of stress lately- we'll be back next year.

BREAKING: FUTURISTIC ROBOT ARRIVES AT GREENSBURG COURTHOUSE, ASKS FOR SARAH CONNOR; IS TOLD TO FILL OUT FORMS, HAVE SEAT

Oh, wait. It's just this yum-yum.
No matter what your attorney tells you, it's probably not a good idea to show up for court wearing a box on your head.

Elsewhere In Mentally Challenged Athlete News

Mike Tyson is holding a press conference in lovely and scenic Youngstown this afternoon to announce the launch of "Mike Tyson's World Tour". It'll be 12, 4-round exhibition matches in different locations around the globe and included on the fight card is Pittsburgh's own Paul Spadafora, fresh off his seven months in the clink for that "shooting his girlfriend" incident back in 2003.

It's not clear if Spadafora will be fighting Tyson or if he'll fight someone else on an undercard. In fact, it's not even clear that The Pittsburgh Kid will be there, despite the fact that Tyson's people have decided to include him on the schedule.

From ESPN:
(Spadafora promotor Mike) Acri said he wasn't sure if Spadafora, who hasn't fought since July 2004, could be ready in time. Acri said Spadafora has only sparred three times since being released from the halfway house.

I want to go on record as saying that I love this idea. As a matter of fact, forget the fight. Can we just put these two Mensa candidates into a house together for a month with John Rocker and the Indian from the Village People and see what happens? I think I smell a new show, VH1...

The Ball's In Your Court, Mr. Roethlisberger

Obviously, with this morning's "suicide attempt", Terrell Owens is showing up Big Ben in the "off-the-field drama" department. We need the national attention back where it should be. On the problems of our beloved quarterback.

Some tips for Ben on getting back into harm's way, causing controversy, and helping football fans refocus on him:

• Drive up to Amish country; jam throwing arm into a wheat thresher

• Try to spay Joey Porter's dogs while wearing hat made of meat

• Sneak up behind Polamalu with scissors; snip like the wind; run like hell

• Step between Casey Hampton and a biscuit

• Photoshop Cowher's daughters' heads onto Hustler models; print; hang on locker

Killing Me Softly

Last night, Pittsburgh City Council voted 14-1 in favor of the Allegheny County smoking ban.

To recap, putting toxins and chemicals into the bodies of yourself and those around you is bad; putting toxins and chemicals into just yourself is still ok.

Pass the hot sauce, wouldja?

*As a side note, if you're the conspiracy theory type who gets freaked out thinking about what The Man will take away next, then you probably shouldn't read this.

Smoke 'Em In Pre-Designated Areas If You Got 'Em

Pittsburgh City Council votes on the proposed Allegheny County Smoking Ban tonight and the debate rages on.

I'm not a smoker. Never have been; it just always seemed like a stupid habit. But who among us doesn't do stupid things? As long as I continue to eat a Big Mac or a Primanti Bros. sandwich, who am I to criticize someone who's putting harmful things into their bodies? It's a free country, right? First they take away your Marlboros and all that.

You'll find arguments against the ban, like this, in the papers:

From the Pittsburgh Tribune Review:
"Would it be OK to ban the sale of potato chips in bars and restaurants if the majority of citizens were to vote for it? If the owner of a given bar or restaurant chooses to allow smoking in his establishment, why can't people who don't like smoking simply not go there?"

Doesn't hold water, in my opinion. If I don't like potato chips and you do, I don't care if you sit next to me and eat 12 bags of them... I'm not gonna catch any second-hand saturated fats. I can be harmed by the toxins in your cigarettes, though.

And what if I'm allergic to your smoke? I shouldn't have to forfeit going to a favorite hangout because you want to poison yourself and, subsequently, those around you, should I?

So, it seems like a question of "who do we have the freedom to poison?" Should we have the freedom to poison ourselves and others... or just ourselves?

I'd like to kill myself in my own unique way, thanks. I don't need anybody's help.

Things I've Noticed: Chester Drawers Edition

• Dennis Bowman gave a 14-day weather forecast on last night's news on KDKA on the CW which used to be the WB or CNN or whateverthehell. A 14-day forecast?? I've never had a problem with Dennis Bowman (or his creepy-ass puppet that I'm sure opens its' eyes in the middle of the night) and I certainly know jack squat about meteorology, but I do know that, with all their Severe Viper Doppler Radar equipment, none of these people seem to be able to predict the weekend weather correctly before Friday morning, let alone 14 days in advance.

• Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm Pittsburgh welcome to... the West Nile Virus! EVERYBODY PANIC (This message brought to you by Ralph's Army Surplus in Monroeville, where they'll meet or beat any deal on duct tape and gas masks!)

• Big Ben no longer gets my sympathy for playing through all his injuries. Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Chris Simms had to have his SPLEEN REMOVED after getting pounded by the Carolina Panthers. Big Daddy Drew at Kissing Suzy Kolber thinks the Panthers should get to keep the spleen as a trophy. I can't argue.

• An update to an earlier post: The Transportation Security Administration now allows you to carry some liquids and gels onto airplanes. Scissors, knitting needles, and screwdrivers still ok, too; pudding, not so much. Bill Cosby must be inconsolable.
  

Monday Morning Musings

First order of business: Other than Willie Parker, the offensive line, the defense and the fact that almost every stat ended in the Steelers’ favor, yesterday’s game sucked. Entertainment-wise, it was better than the creeping death that was the Monday night Jacksonville game… but outcome wise, worse.

As a side note, after interacting with some Bengals fans at Heinz Field before the game, it struck me that they’re pretty cocky for a group of people who just got up the stones to wear their jerseys in public about a year ago.

Moving on…

Because, as Americans, we love lists and useless surveys, Biz Journals has conducted a study to find out which NFL team has the most loyal fans. Their conclusion is that the most die-hard football fanatics are… Cleveland Browns fans. (Steeler fans came in at # 21 on their list.)

At first, I was surprised, but after thinking about it, maybe we do have to give it up to the Browns fans. They’ve been through a lot. John Elway putting the nuts to them year after year. Art Modell ripping their team out of the city. Just the colors of the uniforms (who decided that poop brown and traffic cone orange was the way to go?) And through it all, Cleveland Browns fans are loyal enough to keep showing up. Sort of like a dog that runs to its’ owner when called… and then gets kicked in the slats when it gets there. The dog runs away, but when the owner calls again… it comes right back. And gets kicked again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

So, congrats, Browns fans.

And we can relate. The Pirates do it to us every year here in Pittsburgh.

Other noteworthy NFL Fans:

Oakland Raiders fans
Raiders fans are interesting because they’re not afraid to combine their love of Satan with their love of football. I went to a Raiders-Rams game in Anaheim in the mid-90s and lost count of how many fights there were in the stands. Pagan rituals and sacrifices are considered lighthearted fun at a Raiders game.

Seattle Seahawks fans
Easily the most colicky fans in the National Football League, Seahawks supporters will go out of their way to tell you how Super Bowl XL was stolen from them. The reality of it is that it was a crappy game and the Steelers sucked just slightly less than the Seahawks did that day. If confronted by Seahawks fans, swaddle them in a blanket and gently rock until they fall asleep.

Philadelphia Eagles fans
Passionate is one way to describe Eagles fans. Intensely angry and violent is another, more accurate way. These are the fans who booed Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and cheered as Michael Irvin lay motionless after a neck-breaking, career-ending injury on the Eagles’ thinly covered cement field. Ok, on second thought, the Irvin thing is kind of understandable, but still: Santa and the Easter Bunny? That’s just wrong.

Somewhere, The Four Horsemen Are Saddling Up

From the "Latest Sign That The Apocalypse Is Almost Here" Department:

The local news outlets are bending over backwards to get you the breaking story that a 4-legged chicken has been found in Somerset, PA. According to her owner, Henrietta The Chicken is as healthy as can be, despite having two extra, non-functioning feet that she drags behind her when she walks.

Watch Channel 4 News tonight for Sally Wiggin's intimate, one-on-one interview with Harriet, in which she finds out if the chicken believes this is Coach Cowher's final season with the Steelers.

Because at WTAE, News Comes First!*



*Provided that news is about the Steelers or deformed chickens.

It's Not Easy Being Green

Bad times for food and those of us who eat it on a regular basis.

First, the spinach recall is still growing, what with the rampant sickness and the E coli and whatnot. Not to mention Popeye being unable to defend himself against the nefarious schemes of Bluto and Brutus. (Were they two different guys or just one who decided to change his name? So many questions...)

Now, according to KDKA, the Allegheny County Department of Health is in such financial trouble that, among other things, they can only inspect one out of three restaurants... and school cafeterias are being inspected once every three years, as opposed to annually.

Some other results of the Health Department's lack of funding:

• Primanti Brothers now offering discounted Mystery Meat Cheesesteaks (Egg optional)

• Pittsburgh school children now able to study their own gastrointestinal ailments in biology class

• To help raise money, health inspectors forced to play saxophone on Clemente Bridge before Pirates games

• Pigeons frequently overheard complaining about all the rats in Market Square

Your Candidate Is A Doodyhead

Yes, now you can use your child as a political billboard!

A website called Little Politicos is selling anti-Rick Santorum bibs, onesies, and t-shirts which assure that your child will be the hit of any blue-state rally.

Come on.

No matter which side you're on, maybe we should keep the kids out of the voting arena. Surely we can find something more innocent and honorable to put on kids clothing than politics. How about gay beastiality porn?

Although, I guess the argument could be made that everytime a kid wears a shirt with "Bert" on it, it is sort of like a subliminal ad for Bob Casey.

James Bond Drinks Beer

"P.B.R. me. A.S.A.P."

Say what?
Yep... it looks like ole Jimmy's gonna be a beer drinker in the new "re-imagining" of the 007 movie, Casino Royale. Sony has inked a huge deal, showcasing Heineken in the upcoming flick.

Other than ginormous piles of cash, I'm not sure what's behind this. Are they trying to make Bond more relatable to me, the common guy? Sure, I drink beer... more often than I drink martinis, for sure... but James Bond's not supposed to be like me. He's supposed to be better and cooler than me.

What's next? James Bond lying naked, slowly rocking, in the fetal position in his empty bathtub until football starts on Sunday afternoon?
Not that I do that, of course.
Every weekend.

Down Goes Malkin! Down Goes Malkin!

Not to be outdone by Ben Roethlisberger's injuries and general health problems, Penguins rookie Evgeni Malkin went down in a heap last night in his first NHL exhibiton game, after colliding with teammate John LeClair.
After the game, when asked how he felt, Malkin said "How did Bodden do, guys?", before waving across the locker room to an imaginary friend named "Hugh".

Where Ya At, 85?

Ok, I've been out of town for a few days, so I'm probably a little late to the party with this, but it's so entertaining, it needs to be shown. Over and over. And over.
Last Sunday, Bengals wide receiver and resident funnyman/chicken dancer Chad Johnson got knocked out by Browns safety Brian Russell. And by knocked out, I mean: Knocked. The f**k. Out. If I may be so bold.
For those who didn't see it, just trust me. It was quite a hit. Russell connected his helmet with Chad's chin... Chad's helmet went flying straight up... his gold teef landed in the nachos of a fan in row 5... it was everything football should be.
But the best part came after the game, when the press tried to interview Chad in the locker room. I submit that there's nothing funnier than a dazed, glassy-eyed, concussed Chad Johnson trying to field questions.
You're welcome in advance.

Cleveland Stealers

So, it's come to this?

For a mere $8.00 (plus shipping and handling), you too can own a Cleveland Browns officially licensed "Dirty Brown Towel". Which, according to the webpage, will restore "the old glory days of the Dog Pound".

First of all, not that it matters, but I'm pretty sure they misspelled "Dog" in the ad. Shouldn't it be "Dawg Pound"? Again, not that anybody really cares.

Secondly, the best they could do is a poorly-named ripoff of the Terrible Towel? I'm pretty sure Myron Cope didn't drink himself into a whiskey-induced haze and come up with this idea moments before passing out, just to have some crackhead from Cleveland change the color and call it his own.

I say why copy? Come up with your own creative ideas and promotions, right? Maybe honor Jim Brown with a "Throw Your Woman off the Second Level Balcony Day" at the stadium. Or invite fans onto the field at half time to enter a glass booth for the "Art Modell Mad Money Grab". How about a "Steal The Wheelchair From A Guy Who Has Spinal Bifida" promotion? Oh, wait, they already did that.

This needs to stop.

You're better than this, Cleveland.

Ok, maybe not.

At Least They Didn't Throw Him Into A Tank Of Water To See If He'd Float

Interesting article in the Post Gazette about Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's appearance on David Letterman's show last night. One of the quotes from the story that seemed a little odd concerned the small tree that Dave gave him to "beautify" the city:

"Just put it this way -- I don't think we're taking the gift home with us," the mayor said after taping the show, late in the afternoon.

How do you not take that home with you? It's not like you'd personally have to stuff it in the carry-on compartment of the plane... just have it shipped back. Pretty cool conversaton piece, if you asked me. And if nothing else, maybe it could've been auctioned off for a local charity or something.

Personally, I would have planted it in the center of my living room, obstructing the view of guests and forcing them to ask me about it. But I'm just subtle that way.

If Trent Green Ever Wakes Up, Tell Him He's Lucky We Didn't Fine Him

Football stuff to tide us over until Monday night's Steeler game...
The NFL announced yesterday that the Cincinnati Bengals' Robert Geathers would not be fined after nearly conducting a head-ectomy on Kansas City Chiefs' Quarterback Trent Green last Sunday. Geathers was pushed into a sliding Green (hitting a sliding quarterback is a no-no), driving Green's mellon squarely into the ground. You'll find file footage of the hit here. The injury was labled as a "serious concussion" (as opposed to a "humorous concussion", the kind Troy Aikman used to receive), and Green will be out for 2 to 3 weeks.
The NFL's reaction is interesting, not because they didn't fine Geathers (he did seem to be pushed), but because they sort of blamed Trent Green:

"...the responsibility of the quarterback is to use the protection properly. This rule will continue to be strictly enforced, and violations are likely to result in disciplinary action."

Yeah, that'll teach him.
Enjoy your lunch through that straw, Trent.

Man, I Love The Internets

From last night's Daily Show, here's a little nugget of goodness you might enjoy:

Are You Ready For Computin'?

A Cleveland businessman on the way to work with his laptop

A good day for downtown Pittsburgh: wireless internet has come to the city, thanks to some of the final plans laid by Bob O'Connor. I haven't talked with anyone who's tried it yet, but the buzz is that the coverage is continuous throughout the downtown area. Which is certainly different from the good old days when talking about your laptop on Liberty Avenue would get you pointed in the direction of the Edison Hotel.

The Reason Good Dogs Attack

As we get closer to Halloween, it should be noted that people who dress up their pets are both cruel and unusual. First of all, any street cred these dogs had with other pooches in the neighborhood is now shot to hell. Except for the dog dressed as a Smiley cookie, who seems to be enjoying it. He probably didn't have much of a rep to begin with. The french fry dog looks pissed, though.

Luke's Going Mobile

Just saw on one of my favorite websites, The Burgh Blog, that our new Mayor will be on Letterman's show Thursday night. And with The Who, no less. Hopefully he doesn't pull a Sophie Masloff and call them "The How".
Go get 'em Luke...

Point/Counterpoint: The Mayor vs. Me

The New Mayor of Pittsburgh is 26-year-old Luke Ravenstahl. A fresh, young, energetic voice may be just what our city needs, but when someone that young holds the city's highest office, it tends to make people in their mid 20s and 30s look back and re-evaluate what they've done with their lives:

• At 18, Ravenstahl was a star football and baseball player in high school. At 18, I tended to mock the star football and baseball players.

• At 23, Ravenstahl was elected to Pittsburgh City Council. At 23, I was usually elected to pick up the Old Milwaukee on the way to the poker game.

• At 25, Ravenstahl was named City Council President, Pittsburgh, PA. At 25, I was still bragging about my landslide victory as Homeroom President, Neshannock High School.

• At 26, Ravenstahl was named Mayor of Pittsburgh. At 26, I was just beginning to get over my childhood fear of / attraction to Mayor McCheese.

• At 26, Ravenstahl is prepared to lead Pittsburgh into a bright new future. At 36, I’m prepared to lead the "Here We Go, Steelers" chant at any public gathering, sports or non-sports related.

Vote Quimby

a moment to remember

One

As the soot and dirt and ash rained down,

We became one color.

As we carried each other down the stairs of the burning building,

We became one class.

As we lit candles of waiting and hope,

We became one generation.

As the firefighters and police officers fought their way into the inferno,

We became one gender.

As we fell to our knees in prayer for strength,

We became one faith.

As we whispered or shouted words of encouragement,

We spoke one language.

As we gave our blood in lines a mile long,

We became one body.

As we mourned together the great loss,

We became one family.

As we cried tears of grief and loss,

We became one soul.

As we retell with pride of the sacrifice of heroes,

We become one people.

We are

One color

One class

One generation

One gender

One faith

One language

One body

One family

One soul

One people

We are

The Power of One.

We are

United.

We are

America.

Cheryl Sawyer

Today's Reading Assignment (a.k.a. It's Not That Hard and You're Not That Busy)

When you have a couple of minutes to spare, check out this Sports Illustrated article by Gary Smith about Pat Tillman, called "Remember His Name". It's got a little length to it, but it's a very well-written snapshot of Tillman that's worth your time.

Upcoming Big Ben Injuries / Maladies

To celebrate the Steelers' first win of the season (and without their starting quarterback, even), here's a list of injuries and medical conditions that we're sure will cause Ben Roethlisberger to miss future games:

• Carbuncles

• Speared through heart by Monongahela Stingray

• Boogie fever (I hear it's goin' around)

• (tie) Accidentally scorched by a disrespected Joey Porter's rage, which burns with the intensity of a thousand suns / Contracted mono from Joey's sweet, sweet kisses

• Dead ball

• Taking the browns to the super bowl (severe diarrhea)

Thanks to profootballtalk.com for letting us use the Ben "operation" picture. And by that, I mean we blatantly stole it.

Little Known Facts: Miami Dolphins Edition

The Steelers welcome the Dolphins to Pittsburgh tonight for the NFL season kickoff

• Dolphins fans are quick to note that the team's former head coach Don Shula is the winningest coach of any known or unknown sport, in this or any other solar system. No one is certain who their current head coach is, but many analysts speculate that it may be Norv Turner.

• Former running back Larry Csonka is the only NFL player whose last name was also used as one of the cartoon "punching" sound effects on the 1960's tv series, Batman.

• On March 4th, 2006, the Dolphins traded a 2nd round draft pick to the Minnesota Vikings to acquire the shattered leg of Daunte Culpepper, along with the rest of his body. After removing and discarding the leg, Miami doctors replaced it with a titanium-based bionic limb, which experts believe will begin to malfunction by week two, causing Culpepper to fall to the turf and run in circles like Curly from the 3 Stooges. Which would still be better than his predecessor Gus Frerotte, whose hobbies include celebrating touchdowns by ramming his head into walls.

• Former Dolphins head coach (and current Pitt Panthers head coach) Dave Wannstedt rents his mustache out to porn stars in the off-season.

• Former Dolphins running back Ricky Williams really, really, really likes pot. Seriously. Like, forget 34... if he could have gotten the number 420 on his jersey he totally would have. Potheads enjoy asking Ricky Williams where Dave Wannstedt is, just so they can hear him say "Dave's not here, man". Did we mention Ricky Williams likes pot? 'Cause he really does. Like, more than Dave Chappelle.

• Fromer Dolphins quarterback and Pittsburgher Dan Marino says that in 1999, he turned down an offer to become the Steelers' quarterback and instead opted to retire from the game. Many Steeler fans were dismayed at just missing the chance to throw garbage on the lawn of a future Hall of Famer.

Just Another Sunday In The Dawg Pound

As we get closer to tomorrow's NFL season kickoff, just a reminder of how tough life is in the AFC North...

Why, Yes, I Do Like Movies About Gladiators

• I realize that yesterday was Labor Day and the travel season has come to an end, but with holiday trips not far off, you might want a refresher course on what the Transportation Security Administration allows you to carry onto an airplane. As of today, here are a few samples of what you can and can't carry on, from the TSA's website:
  
  Knitting needles.............. allowed
  Because no self-respecting bad guy would be caught dead trying to cause terror with knitting needles. Come on, he'd be the laughing stock of the terrorist community.
  
  
  Jell-O / Pudding................ not allowed
  At least we know Bill Cosby won't be trying to hijack your plane. Now if we can just make sure "Ghost Dad" is banned from all in-flight movies.
  
  
  Scissors (blades shorter than 4")...... allowed
  But of course. I mean, surely not even the greatest of criminal masterminds could figure out a way to harm someone with a pair of razor-sharp 4 inch blades.
  
  
  Mouthwash.................. not allowed
  Obviously the War on Halitosis is not important to the Bush administration. In other news, George Bush doesn't care about the Orbit gum lady.
  
  
  Screwdrivers (7" or less)..... allowed
  Well. That's good to know.
  
  
  Transformer Toys.............. allowed
  (as long as they're not Decepticons)
  Surprising, especially since they are more than meets the eye...
  
  Source: the official TSA website
  
  

Ben There, Done That

In an effort to earn extra miles in UPMC's Frequent Flyer program, Ben Roethlisberger was rushed to the hospital yesterday for his third operation in ten months. This time he decided to try the "Emergency Appendectomy".

I can only assume that when Coach Cowher announced that Ben wouldn't be playing in the season opener this Thursday against Miami, several paramedic teams were quickly dispatched to Chupkas on the South Side to attend to the multiple heart attacks.

Come on. First it was the toe. Then the thumb. Followed by the face through the windshield. Now an emergency appendectomy? I say enough is enough. Football's a tough game with no room for pansies. Hell, I'm pretty sure Bill Walsh once gave Ronnie Lott an emergency appendectomy on the sidelines during a game. Without anesthesia. Look it up if you don't believe me.

Think of the fantasy football players, Ben. It's time to man up.

Bob O'Connor: 1944-2006

Taking a break from the stupidity for a moment...

Although I didn't know Mayor O'Connor personally, like all of Pittsburgh, I was saddened by the news of his passing.

The phrase "man of the people" is often overused, but in Mr. O'Connor's case, it seems appropriate. He looked like, spoke like, and put his nose to the grindstone like a Pittsburgher.

When I think back on his short time in office, one of the first things I remember was the "sniper scare" that turned out to be nothing more than someone shooting at pigeons from a downtown rooftop. After it was all over, everyone got a good chuckle from the way the Mayor took action... donning a bullet proof vest, scurrying through the streets, white hair breezing back from his head. But I can't imagine many politicians today personally employing such a take charge course of action and heading directly to the "front lines" of what, at the moment, appeared to be a bad situation. That's the kind of person you hope to have in charge when times are tough.

Rest in peace, Mr. O'Connor.

Little Known Facts: Joey Porter Edition

Interesting tidbits about Pittsburgh Steelers Linebacker Joey Porter

• Psychs himself up before every game by eating a live puppy

• Is known to fly into a blind rage at the slightest sign of disrespect; once pulled out the pancreas of a man who beeped at him for sitting too long after a red light turned green
  

• On-field celebration kick is a tribute to his best friend and mentor, Riverdance's Michael Flatley

• Was shot in Denver; used that as motivation for success in 2005 season. Motivation for 2006? Paid a guy to set him on fire when he least expects it
  

• Whenever faced with a tough decision, consults his "What Would Nino Brown Do" bracelet
  

Your dog wants to eat Pierogi Pete

The Pittsburgh Pirates had "Pup Night" at the ballpark over the weekend.

Two hundred baseball fans brought their dogs to PNC Park and for the first time in 14 years, there was more crap in the stands than on the field. *Insert rimshot here*